Tag: Humor

Stuff that makes me laugh

Wisdom Of The Ages

QOTD

From the 17th century, an anonymous writer talks about coffee:

“Coffee Collects and settles the Spirits, makes the erection more Vigorous, the Ejaculation more full, adds a spiritualescency to the Sperme, and renders it more firm and suitable to the Gusto of the womb, and proportionate to the ardours and expectations too, of the female Paramour.”

I’m too old, too impotent and too infertile to worry about all that stuff.  All I know is that before my morning cuppa of Dunkin’ Donuts Regular, my attitude towards the world can be summed up thus:

Granted, the addition of coffee to my system doesn’t change my mood that much

…but I do go from murderous to simply dangerous. so there’s that.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the Keurig.

Monday Funnies

Funny Stuff

Aaaaargh…

I hate being woken up by the alarm clock on Monday mornings.

So to give me time to pick up all the pieces off the floor, a little of Teh Funny:

Sounds okay.  And on that topic, a few women who may or may not be intoxicated:

Right… time for that second gin.  It’s Monday, remember?

5 Worst Drunken Regrets

Friday Feature, The Worst

When you wake up with a crippling hangover, and discover the consequences of the previous night’s carousing.  Ranked in order of ascending horror:

  • a wedding ring on your finger, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez lying in bed next to you
  • the ashes of your passport, in your Bucharest hotel room
  • Polaroid pictures of a naked you and the Ukrainian “escort” you met in the bar last night
  • an aching anus and a card with the inscription:  “Thanks for a wonderful evening — Brian Boitano”
  • ownership title documents for a Toyota Prius.

Your suggestions (may be personal or hypothetical) in Comments.

Alternative Use

Good Stuff, Real Estate, The Gun Thing

Looks like this is a week for alternatives, but this one is a little less… contentious, shall we say, than the one from yesterday.

While looking at this article about Harry Redknapp’s little beach cottage, one of the pics got me thinking.  While I think the house in general is awful (like Alyssa Milano:  quite lovely from the outside;  inside, not so much), this room is excellent:

Now I have little use for a wine cellar, being that I don’t drink a lot of wine and have no interest in collecting it either.  But a temperature/humidity-controlled room, with very limited access… can we all say “Gun Room“, children?

If I ever same into something like this (assuming it was in the Land Of The Free and not Hoplophobic Britannia), I know that one of the first things I’d do is turn to the interior designer and say, “Lose all those faggy shelves and stuff, and put in some glassed gun display cases, with room for a couple-three safes on the side.”  All that’s left is to have a decent, robust table somewhere with several clamps for gun cleaning and -smithing, and there ya go.

The same is true of houses that have projection rooms — in-home cinemas, as it were — which I think are a total waste of space.  Here’s one, from some mega-mansion on the market here in Plano:

Once again, a room with no windows, a single door access… who the hell needs stupid Disney movies that much. when you could have a primo gun room?

I know, I’m so hopelessly out of touch.

3 Inexplicable Things

3 Inexplicable Things

Welcome to a new feature on this here blog, which will look at why strange things happen (or don’t happen) in various categories.  Today:

3 Inexplicable Things About Figure Skating

1.  Even though Jayne Torvill was kinda plain-looking and had a dorky hairstyle, most men would still have bonked her if given the chance.

 

2.  Gay men participate in the activity.

3.  This move hasn’t ever resulted in any sexual harassment cases:

(As my friend Patterson once put it:  “Grab her box and you’re a piggish bastard.  Strap on some skates first and all of a sudden it’s ART.”)

More inexplicable things to follow, as I see them.

Feel free to leave your own contributions in Comments, but restrict them to figure skating.  Violations will be deleted.