Yesterday was time for my annual checkup, so after enduring the no-coffee / no-food “fast” for reasons of bloodwork, I settled in to have my chat with Dr. ShitForBrains.
Perhaps a little background is necessary. I have had three primary doctors since the Great Wetback Episode of 1986 — or perhaps I should say that I’ve outlived two doctors, and am on my third. (The first, in Chicago, died of leukemia; the second, in Plano, died of a heart attack.) Doctor #2 was nicknamed “Shit-for-brains” by the family because he was, to put it mildly, the world’s worst diagnostician. No matter how much information we gave him, he’d get it wrong. Lovely man, piss-poor doctor. We were just about to get another doctor when he snuffed it, and we inherited Doctor #3 in the same practice, who is definitely not ShitForBrains, but the nickname (rather unfairly) has become generic, to distinguish him from the other doctors we’ve since acquired (dermos, heart specs, etc.). We have an excellent relationship, truly fine, and he gets my sense of humor (as you will see).
Back to yesterday’s visit. Here’s more or less how it went.
SFB: All your vitals are good: weight has dropped (by 40lbs!), BP is excellent, circulation fine, respiration excellent, thyroid fine. When the bloodwork comes back, we’ll check the cholesterol and so on, but I don’t see any issues. Had any problems since last time?
Kim: I’ve just started having plantar fasciitus attacks in my right foot.. Came out of nowhere, very owie two days back, a little better today.
SFB: [winces] Ouch! Sorry to hear that. I’ll give you a printout that’ll help, for exercises.
Kim: Exercises? I’m in pain, here. Can’t you give me a quick pop of Lidocaine or something?
SFB: Hahaha no.
Kim: It’s a good thing I left my gun in the car, or else we’d be having a different conversation about Lidocaine.
SFB: Kim, you know my policy about gun fights in my office.
Kim: Wouldn’t be much of one; you’re not carrying.
SFB: No, but Christie is. [nods towards his assistant, who gives me That Look]
You’d think I’d have remembered that, because ’twas I who taught her how to shoot and helped her buy her first gun, about eight years back (S&W Lady Smith in .38 Spec+P — she’s since acquired a Kimber Ultra Carry in .45 ACP because she’s a big girl and can handle it).
Anyway, by then the pain had subsided somewhat, so after having had blood taken, I was on my merry way.
Good health: I haz it. (Apart from typical Olde Phartte issues and a sore foot.)
Not bad for… fucking hell, 69 on Sunday.
Time for another gin.