3 Inexplicable Things

… that happen when you’re getting old and confused, and make a shopping list to help you remember why you’re out driving your car.

  1.  You read “Scope” on the list, and end up buying both the mouthwash AND that cute little 4x Leupold that’s on sale at Bass Pro.
  2.  There’s an item called “Gum” on the list.  Because you left your reading glasses at home and refuse to ask for help, you buy both Doublemint AND a .22 rifle at Academy, just to be on the safe side.
  3.  You see “Screwdriver” on the list, so you stop off at Lowe’s AND get arrested for DUI on the way home.

Don’t even ask me what happens when you read “Coke”…

This getting old thing ain’t for the faint of heart, lemme tell ya.

3 Inexplicable Things

Haven’t had one of these for a while, so here goes:

3 People who should have retired a LONG time ago, but haven’t.

  • Dog The Bounty Hunter — FFS, he’s like 200 years old, still epitomizes White Trash with that trailerpark hairdo and bad-boy-gay clothing which would get him thrown out of any respectable biker gang.  And his schtick is older than my withered ass.

  • Joan Collins — another oldie well past her sell-by date, but still acts and dresses like she’s 25.

  • Nancy Pelosi — this drunken old gargoyle continues to cling to power long after she’s made enough money from it to last four lifetimes, and done more than her fair share to make the U.S. a socialist country.

Feel free to add your suggestions to substitute for the above, but they’d have to be really good to beat this lot.

3 Inexplicable Things About Female Interior Design

Continuing our series of stuff that makes you scratch your head, we come upon the following:

  • Pillows, dozens of.  Why do women insist on piling pillows and cushions onto beds and couches when they serve absolutely no purpose?  FFS, it’s come to the point when before getting into bed or sitting on a couch, you first have to toss half a dozen extraneous pillows or cushions onto the floor, like you’re uncovering layers of sediment in a geological study.  (A sub-segment of this is women who put a hundred teddy bears on their bed — are we still seven years old?)
  • Wall tattoos.  You know what I’m talking about:  signs that portray utterly banal shit like “Be Joyful Today” or “Happiness Is A Choice”.  The most extreme exponent of this awful trait is Joanna Gaines of Fixer Upper  fame.  She’ll do a decent job of decorating a room, and then add some bullshit about “Fall In Love With Life”, just to undo the whole thing.
  • Having a “tidy” kitchen.  Meaning that all small appliances and such have to be dragged out of a cupboard somewhere, plugged in and used, then put away again.  I can understand this if it’s not something you use every day, but stuff like coffee machines, toasters and kettles too?  And nothing repeat nothing would drive me crazier than having to scratch around for a fucking breadboard every time I felt like a sandwich or some toast.  Whenever I see one of those kitchens that is spotlessly clean, immaculate, and empty with only a bowl of fruit on a counter, I think it reveals a character flaw on the part of the woman of the house.

Feel free to add your pet designing peeves, in Comments.