In ascending order of ghastliness:
- substitute the soundtrack from Oh! Calcutta! for the traditional funeral music
- French-kiss the widow / grab the widower’s cock
- invent a whole bunch of salacious but fictitious stories about the late when delivering the eulogy (e.g. “Fred always said that sex with a woman was okay, but not as good as the real thing”)
- take group photos, as at a wedding, only with people standing around the open coffin
- start a “throw the wreath” ceremony, and have Granny catch it.
You suggestions in Comments.
In ascending order of foulness:
- The Vagina Monologues: Rosie O’Donnell
- Oh! Calcutta! revival, starring Mazy Hirono and Adam Schiff
- Jeffrey’s Suicide
- Broken Dream: The Hillary Clinton Story
- Harvey Weinstein: The Musical
Your suggestions in Comments
…that Amy Coney Barrett could have written on her pad while being
interrogated grilled questioned by the Senate Democrats.
I’ll start the ball rolling:
- “Check out Becky’s new beef stew recipe on Facebook.”
- “If Scalia could see this clownshow, he’d be laughing his ass off.”
- “# questions that have bothered me: ___”
- “Pick up eggs at 7-11 on the way home.”
- “Also cream.”
Your suggestions in Comments.
When you wake up with a crippling hangover, and discover the consequences of the previous night’s carousing. Ranked in order of ascending horror:
- a wedding ring on your finger, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez lying in bed next to you
- the ashes of your passport, in your Bucharest hotel room
- Polaroid pictures of a naked you and the Ukrainian “escort” you met in the bar last night
- an aching anus and a card with the inscription: “Thanks for a wonderful evening — Brian Boitano”
- ownership title documents for a Toyota Prius.
Your suggestions (may be personal or hypothetical) in Comments.
Ranked in order, from “of very limited appeal” to “you’ve got to be fucking kidding“. First, for men (all with the vocal function enabled):
- the “Andrea Dworkin” (retro model)
- the “Joy Behar”
- the “Gender Studies Professor”
- the “Hillary Clinton”
- the “Taylor Swift”
And for the ladies:
“Brad Pitt” sorry I meant “Dog The Bounty Hunter”
- the “Jack Whitehall”
- the “Jerrold Nadler”
- the “Harvey Weinstein”
- the “Piers Morgan”
…a.k.a. “Apocalypse Soon”, and ranked towards the ultimate in creepy awfulness:
- 60-year-old man comes out as gay, declares his love for daughter’s ex-husband;
- Influencer, 35, marries her 20-year-old stepson after divorcing his father;
- “My son cut me off completely after I had amazing sex with his teenage pal”;
- Woman files for divorce after marrying herself two years earlier; and
- Wife cuts off unfaithful husband’s penis, feeds it to dog.
Now, to add to the unspeakable dreadfulness that is Our Brave New World: only one of the above is fictitious.
Your guess in Comments as to which. Only one per Reader.