5 Worst Valentine’s Day Cards

(Monday Funnies will return next week.)

Ranked in order of ascending foulness:

Happy Valentine’s Day!  (men to women)

  • …from your love sausage
  • …to the world’s deepest tunnel, from its longest train
  • …I love you so much, I have a pic of your face on the inside of my undies
  • …to my darling Fiona  (and your name is Sally)
  • …now please sign the divorce papers

Happy Valentine’s Day!  (women to men)

  • …and just remember:  no flowers, no annual blow job
  • …to the man I’d most rather fake my orgasms with
  • …to my second-favorite anal sex partner
  • …to the pair best suited to my scalpel
  • …to the father of at least one of our children

Your suggestions in Comments.

Five Worst Occupations

Yup, it’s a return to a Friday feature Of Yore.

And this has nothing to do with your earnings, either, but what it says about you as a person.  Ranked in order of increasing foulness, they are:

  • Professional assassin
  • Rapper
  • TikTok Influencer
  • Sugar Baby
  • Hedge Fund Manager

Feel free to correct me, if you can think of worse.

5 Worst Things To Do At A Funeral

In ascending order of ghastliness:

  • substitute the soundtrack from Oh! Calcutta!  for the traditional funeral music
  • French-kiss the widow / grab the widower’s cock
  • invent a whole bunch of salacious but fictitious stories about the late when delivering the eulogy (e.g. “Fred always said that sex with a woman was okay, but not as good as the real thing”)
  • take group photos, as at a wedding, only with people standing around the open coffin
  • start a “throw the wreath” ceremony, and have Granny catch it.

You suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst Notes

…that Amy Coney Barrett could have written on her pad while being interrogated  grilled  questioned by the Senate Democrats.

I’ll start the ball rolling:

  • “Check out Becky’s new beef stew recipe on Facebook.”
  • “If Scalia could see this clownshow, he’d be laughing his ass off.”
  • “# questions that have bothered me:  ___”
  • “Pick up eggs at 7-11 on the way home.”
  • “Also cream.”

Your suggestions in Comments.