Top Picks

I wish we had more interesting surveys Over Here in Murka, but we don’t.  Here’s yet another one from over there, and a sample thereof:

Top 5 People We Wanna Bonk:

My top 5 wouldn’t include Margot or Kylie (Australians) or Emma Watson (Hermione).  My longtime restraining order  infatuation with Carol Vorderman is well known in these herrre parrrts, but girl-next-door Sandra Bullock has never really got my morals to begin their takeoff run.

As for the men… whatever, although the oily Paul Hollywood makes me want to punch him in the nose whenever I see him on screen.

Here’s another question from the survey:

Assuming that nobody’s lying about this (a big assumption), one out of ten people will be trying to shag someone else at the office Xmas party, assuming anyone gets to have a party this year (another big assumption).  Whatever that actual number is, I would be fascinated to see how many women are planning a little festive bonk, with hubby all unsuspecting.

RFI: The Caption Competition

Last week’s Competition was #200 in this weekly posting — that’s nearly  two years’ worth of strange pictures — and I need to have a quick poll just to see if it’s getting old, and my Readers would prefer that we Move On (to what, I don’t know).

Tell me how you feel, in Comments or by email.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Dear Dr. Kim:
My girlfriend says she has been faking orgasms for a year and I am considering breaking up with her.  What should I do?  — Unsatisfied, [address withheld]

Dear “Unsatisfied”:

Short answer:  Break up with her.

Long answer:  Break up with her.  No relationship has ever survived sexual dysfunction — in this case, your desire to take your partner to the peak of sexual intimacy, and her inability to do so.

Longer answer:  Break up with her.  In the vast majority of cases, a woman’s inability to have an orgasm is not physical, but psychological — and most especially if she’s never been able to reach a climax with any partner.  There is no upside to the two of you trying to address this together and frankly, I don’t see marriage as even a remote option here.

This is not your problem;  it’s hers.  Move on.

— Dr. Kim Read more

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Dear Dr. Kim:

My late Mother-In-Law was basically a Dem party communist.  Incapable of departing the party line.  As such she was a GFW.
Therefore my #2 wife was scared of guns.  Prior to us getting married, when she found out I had guns she said I would be getting rid of them, to which my response was “I’ll get rid of you before I get rid of them”.  The subject was dropped, the marriage went forward.
Fast forward to 10 years later.  Some of Wife’s lady-friends talked her into going to an Enhanced Concealed Carry Class.  We attended last Sunday.

My problem is this.  Now my wife is hooked.  We spent yesterday afternoon watching Glock videos.  She now wants a Glock.  In Europellet caliber.  Frankly I’m torn.  I never liked the Glock feel, and always sneered at Europellet.
Had this come 5 years ago when europellet was cheap and widely available, it would have been an easy purchase, just to keep around, and it would have been HER Glock, not mine.
The worst part, is, after 200 rounds, I’m starting to like the Glock too.  It feels like I am admitting to trying gay sex and enjoying it.

What do I do? — Concerned, Ellisville PA

 

Dear Concerned:

Look on the bright side.  She could have fallen in love with a Hi-Point.

As for the gay sex thing, always remember:  the Romans believed that if you could only enjoy sex with a woman, you were only half a man — and their empire lasted over a thousand years.

— Dr. Kim

Fatherly Advice

It’s no exaggeration to say that I’ve benefited (or should have benefited) from advice given to me by not only my own father, but the fathers of my boyhood friends.  For some reason, all my buddies had excellent relationships with their dads, and just hanging around with them at their houses — at dinnertime, in their workshops and so on — often led to me getting some seriously worthwhile tips on how to work your way through life’s many difficulties.  Here are some:

Never hang out with losers;  their behavior is contagious.  It’s always easier to go down than up, and this applies to just about every activity.  But the corollary is equally important:  pick your friends carefully.

At work, do exactly what your boss tells you to do.  Sometimes this is really hard, because what you’re being asked to do may seem stupid or pointless.  But often, you don’t have all the information that your boss does, and what seems stupid to you may be what the organization needs as part of a bigger plan.  And the time to suggest a better way of doing something is after you’ve finished.

There’s no decision so critical that it can’t be postponed till tomorrow.  Of course, there are exceptions to this, but it’s true at least 90% of the time, which is close enough.  Certainly, though, a large percentage of decisions made in the heat of the moment will be regrettable.

There’s never enough time to do a job properly, but there always seems to be enough time to do it OVER.   If any of these maxims has stayed with me all my life, it’s this one.  However, there is a corollary:

A job that is 90% quality delivered on time, is often worth more than one that’s 100% but delivered too late to be of use.  Self-evident, yes?  The critical part, I’ve discovered, is learning when this approach is appropriate.

Nobody likes a needy person.  Strive at all times to be as self-sufficient as possible.  And a corollary:

Borrow money only when you don’t need it.  This applies especially in dealing with banks.

Avoid crazy people.  This applies to both men and women.  No matter its allure, “crazy”  will lead to problems, more often than not.

All the above came to me after only a few hours’ thought, and undoubtedly I’ve omitted a few.  I’ll add to this list when another one comes to me.

Feel free to add your own.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Dear Dr. Kim.
I’m a single guy of 37 and I moved back to my mother’s house when I lost my job. Mum has only lived there for three years so I hardly knew her neighbors but we’d chat over the fence during the pandemic.
The neighbors are a couple with three kids. He’s 42 and she’s 40.
One Sunday afternoon while the husband was working and the children were at a friend’s house, she offered me a beer.
As she passed it over, she kissed me full on the lips. I was surprised but reacted instinctively by kissing her back, and I felt so turned on. I think it was the thrill of doing something so dangerous.  Then she said: “I’ve been longing to do that for months.”
I was concerned Mum would see me, so after a quick chat I went inside. Mum was watching TV and oblivious to anything I was doing.
A couple of weeks later I bumped into Mum’s neighbor in a bar. She made a beeline for me and whispered in my ear that she wanted more.  She said her marriage was all but over and they never had sex any more. She said she’d never forgive him for insisting they put down her cat because it meowed too loudly.
That night we snuck outside for a drunken fondle at the back of the bar.
This woman is seriously hot. She has seen me at my worst, mowing the lawn in my scruffs or sitting on the step with a hangover looking bad, yet she still fancies me.
We’ve been messaging for weeks now. She’s just told me her family are going away this weekend but she can’t go due to her work shifts.
She wants me to go round there. I’m sorely tempted. What should I do?
— Torn, UK

Dear Tatters,

The responsible thing would be to tell her you can’t because she’s married and you’re afraid that if you bonked her and it got out, your Mum would be ashamed and her relationship with the neighbors would be awkward.

However.

You’re not a callow yoot of 18;  you’re on the slippery slope to middle age.  Take it from me:  as you get older, opportunities to bonk willing women die away very rapidly, until one day you suddenly wake up with blue balls and kick yourself, saying, “Damn, I should have shagged that neighbor woman when I had the chance.”

Those are the worst kind of regrets.

My advice?  Bonk her once, hard and long.  Only once.  Then say afterwards, “I feel so guilty because I’ve been unfaithful to the girl I think I’m going to marry.”  (Have a picture of some random chick of about 25 in your wallet — not on your phone — and show it to Neighbor Lady.)

That way, she gets a quickie, you get a quickie, but she’ll leave you alone after that, especially if you can conjure up a lady friend (best:  who either is or resembles closely the girl in the photo) who can come over to yer Mum’s house to play the part.  Introduce her to Neighbor Lady, and hold hands as you walk back inside.

Then, and only then, can you be strong and give her the brush-off should she want a return engagement.

Or you can go with Option A above.