Category: Advice

Over the past couple of days, I’ve seen a couple of things on the Knuckledragger’s website that just make me nod my head at the truth of them.  Here’s the first, which I’d actually seen before — with a caption:

The caption?

“Every time I see this gif, all I can think about is:  child molesters.”

The other one, which also holds universal wisdom, is less radical but sage nevertheless:

Is there a man alive who would go rummaging around in his wife’s or girlfriend’s bag?  Speaking for myself, I just hold the bag as in the pic, and hand it over without saying a word.

When asked why, I make a flippant remark like “I thought I heard some hornets buzzing around in there”, or “No no no, there are things with sharp teeth in there”.

And you know what?  I don’t think I’m wrong, either.

No man should.

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“I’m a somewhat public figure, the head of state of a small island kingdom, and I have the rather distasteful task of visiting one of my country’s former colonies in the near future.

“Needless to say, I’m being scolded for the sins of my father (and grandfather, and great-grandfather, etc. etc.) and told that I have to apologise for the ‘unpleasant aspects’ of the colonisation of said ex-colony.

“What do you suggest I say?”

 — CR, London / Windsor / Balmoral et al.

 

Dear CR (if that is really your name, and not some silly outmoded title):

I think you have every obligation to apologize to these poor, hard-done-by indigenous assholes.

You should apologize for:

• creating an agricultural industry that helped them grow from a hodgepodge assortment of hunter-gatherers into an agricultural nation which would, had they not fucked up said industry through mismanagement (after your government left), have resulted in their country being self-sufficient for all their food needs instead of being the starving basket-case they are currently;
• a system of democratic government which they had never had before, but still rely on today — even though they’ve done their best to fuck that up with sundry military coups and so on in recent history;
• a legal system which doesn’t rely on the whim of a chief or the ravings of crazed witch-doctors, but on a series of laws which are more or less copies of your home country’s laws and which grant them all sorts of rights which their ordinary people never enjoyed over the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place;
• things like hospitals (staffed by actual doctors and not the aforementioned crazed witch-doctors), schools which teach people how to read and write (skills also glaringly absent from the ordinary people over the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place), and the engineering skills (e.g. roads and plumbing) which they rely upon today in a vain attempt to keep their tottering infrastructure running despite the grasping and egregious corruption and avarice which were, lest we forget, markedly absent from your previous colonial government — at least, compared to the industrial-scale thievery of current times;
• technology:  things like electricity, radio, telephones and television which, despite the efforts of the BBC to prove otherwise, never existed over the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place;
• sports like cricket, football, tennis, golf and other harmless activities which took the place of indigenous sports like inter-tribal slaughter and fleeing from ravenous wild animals, all of which were a feature of life during the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place
• a language which enabled the multiple tribes to have a common lingua franca  instead of the intense mutual hatred and mistrust caused by not having such;
• a culture based upon hitherto-alien concepts like “fair play”, “doing the right thing” and lest we forget, “charity” — none of which, once again, were in existence over the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place.

This is but a partial list of things you absolutely should apologize for:  I’m sure your former colonial officials can give you many more.

And then, having made said public groveling apologies, you should get out of town and visit some of the beautiful game parks and reserves, none of which existed over the few thousand years prior to your colonization of the wretched place.

I hope this helps.

—

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“I’m feeling distraught and jealous after my boyfriend slept with his terminally ill female friend as her ‘final wish’. The jealously is eating me up but I can’t express it as she’s dead anyway. I’d been with my partner for three years, and to make matters worse, he didn’t tell me about it straight away for fear of getting dumped.

“While on a group holiday, a mutual friend revealed my partner had cheated on me,  and I’ve been struggling emotionally ever since — particularly because his friend passed away not long afterwards.

“I’m confident that he was never attracted to her, and that they had never had a relationship beyond that, but I suspect she’d always had a secret crush on him. They totally had emotional sex because of her condition.  I don’t even know who initiated it.  It was probably something like how she didn’t want to die a virgin.

“I approached my boyfriend about it following advice I received from fellow forum-users, and he said he’d regretted it immediately.  He didn’t tell me because he didn’t know how I’d react and was afraid that I’d dump him.  He didn’t want to hurt me.

“We’ve had an otherwise perfect relationship, but he’s been struggling in the wake of his friend’s death.

“I hate myself because I get angry inside whenever he mentions her.  I can’t express my jealousy because she’s dead anyway.  This jealousy is eating me up.

“Dr. Kim, how can I deal with this?”

— Dead Jealous, UK

Dear Jealous:

Here’s a question you need to ask yourself (and be honest):  if your guy had asked you if he could grant his friend her dying wish by having sex with her, would you have said yes?

If so, then you have no reason at all for your jealousy.  Of course, you can get pissed off that he didn’t ask you first — it’s not an unreasonable ask — but from his reaction now, I suspect that he feared that you might dump him even for asking.

Which is the second question you need to ask yourself:  would you have dumped him if he’d asked first?  The fact that you’re jealous of a dead woman makes me suspect that you would have — and given that he seems to love you, his rationale for not asking is probably sound.

Here’s a parallel thought.  What if the sick girl had begged your boyfriend to take her to some place she’d never been to before — e.g. Paris — and just the two of them, without you.  Would you be equally jealous now?  And if he hadn’t told you about the trip until after you’d found out, would you be equally angry?

I know, a trip to Paris isn’t the same as sex — not the least because the trip would last longer, and be more expensive than a “final wish bonk” — but the principle is the same:  a friend’s dying wish was granted that you weren’t consulted about.

Frankly, I think you need to get over yourself and your jealousy.  What your guy did was not wrong — by the way, we’d be having a different discussion if you and he were married — and the shades of morality we have here would make this an interesting topic in a university Philosophical Ethics class.

The real question is:  are you ever going to forgive him, and trust that he won’t do anything like this again?  If you do, you have to agree never to bring up the topic again, no matter what the circumstances.  Accept that it happened, his motives were good, and get on with it.

If not, you need to walk away now.  And if I’m to be blunt,if you continue to harp on this and not forgive him, he would be well rid of your jealousy.  Of a dead woman.

 —

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“I was raised Catholic by my ultra-religious parents.  Later on, I married a man who began to abuse me verbally and beat me.  I stuck it out as long as I could, but eventually had enough and divorced him.

“I expected my parents to support me in my troubles, but instead they screamed at me for breaking my sacred marriage vows.  They were so upset with me, despite the circumstances, that they disowned me from inheriting any of their estate. 

“I want to sue them to overturn their decision, so that I can eventually inherit what is properly mine.

“Am I doing the right thing?”

— Catholic Martyr

Dear CM:

I am sorry that your life has been a pattern of abuse, both from your parents and from your husband.  All three of them are total cunts, and to be honest, you are better off without them in your life.

If you ever talk to your parents again (which I don’t recommend), perhaps you should ask them if they’d have preferred to see you escape your marriage by murdering your husband instead — oh wait, that’s a mortal sin, nemmind.

While I sympathize greatly with your situation, I must nevertheless caution you against suing your parents to get your inheritance restored.

In the first place, only lawyers win in these situations, especially if you lose.

Secondly, this means you’d actually have to continue to be part of their horrible lives, even if only through lawyers.

And finally, let me remind you that as unpleasant as this may sound, your parents are in no way morally bound to leave you anything after they snuff it (hopefully soon, and painfully).  It’s their property, and if they decide to leave it all to the Vatican instead (which wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest), that’s just the way of the world, especially for cunts like them.

Frankly, I’d send them a letter telling them that while you are hurt by their cunty decisions — for neglecting their parental duty to support you, and for the disinheritance — you intend never to see or speak to them again, and should they ever need any assistance in their old age, not to bother contacting you.  Then don’t answer any letters or phone calls from them anymore.

I know, forgiveness is a Christian virtue and all that.  But when a rabid dog bites you, it’s silly to pat it on the head afterwards.

I hope that in the near future you find a decent man to share your life with, and that you go on to have many children — who should never, ever be shared with their cunty grandparents, under any circumstances.

And if you can’t write them that letter, feel free to use this one in its stead.

—

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“Not only has my wife now gone off sex altogether, she won’t even kiss me. She says it makes her feel “dirty and disgusting” and that it’s just not something she wants to do any more. I don’t understand where this has come from, but it’s beginning to break my heart.

“I’m 55 and she is 49. We have been married for 20 years and now have two grown-up children. While we’ve never had the most exciting sex life, we always used to make time for a bit of intimacy. Now she no longer touches me, and even when I try to kiss her or cuddle her, she makes it clear how uncomfortable she is about it. I’ve tried everything but she is making me feel unattractive and unwanted.

“How can I solve this problem? I miss feeling close to her.

— Rejected, Cambridge

Dear Rejected:

Of all the ways a woman can reject a man, telling him that intimacy makes her feel “dirty and disgusting” has to be the most brutal.  So why is she doing this to you?

She’s having an affair.

No point whining about it;  it’s a done deal.  If you don’t want to get a divorce, move all your stuff into another bedroom (you should have one, as your kids are grown), and then start living a separate life from her:  women, friends, late nights and so on.  When you go out, don’t tell her where you’re going or when she can expect you back.  If she asks if you’re seeing another woman, tell her it’s none of her business.  Tell her that “closeness” is a two-way street, and as she’s walked away from you, you’re not going to beg for it.

Don’t even bother negotiating with her, and don’t listen to her if she wants “things to go back to the way they used to be”.

By the way:  if she’s not having an affair, then she has psychological problems that are so profound that there’s no point in you trying to understand or fix them.

In either case, my advice is the same:  dump her and get on with your own life.