“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“I’m an elderly actor, and I’m told that I’m still quite ‘hot’ (whatever that means) and certainly, I seem to have no problem attracting women, in many cases a lot younger than myself.

“In fact, that seems to be my major problem.  Many years ago I was more-or-less happily married to a woman who was also quite ‘hot’ — I certainly found her to be so, which was in no small part why I married her — and we had two sons, both now in their middle age.

“The problem really is that when I was a young man, I was quite certainly attractive to women not my wife, and I strayed quite a bit, so to speak, when opportunity presented itself.

“Anyway, when I confessed my indiscretions to my wife, she tossed me out and divorced me.

“All that’s in the distant past, and I’m happy to say that we have remained friends despite all that trouble.

“I kind of wish that I hadn’t got divorced, in fact.  While I’ve had no end of willing bedmates since…

“Dr. Kim, what’s your take on all this?”

Dancer, London UK

Dear Dancer,

Your problem is not that you strayed;  hell, when faced with a plethora of warm, moist and willing female pudenda, few men are able to resist that siren call.

Your problem — a rookie mistake, in one of mature years — is that you admitted said indiscretions to your wife.  Now that that bullet has passed through the church, so to speak, it remains only for your mistake to be made known to other men, and here’s the advice:

Never, ever admit to your spouse that you inserted your phallus into any extramarital orifice.  Unless you are actually caught in flagrante delicto — and by that, I mean in the very act of making the beast with two backs (as a former Shakespearean actor, you are no doubt familiar with the source of the expression) — no man should ever admit to infidelity.

Of course, with modern technology, such a denial may be impossible — ask ex-President “BJ” Clinton — and if the doxy gets pregnant, the same technology may also compel an admission and doom your marriage.

But otherwise, keep shtum  and deny, deny, deny.  Ignore the advice of (mostly female) agony aunts that you’ll feel better after you’ve got things off your chest or “come clean” [sic]:  you won’t, as you discovered.  If the conscience thing is that strong in you, the time to exercise it is prior- and not post insertion.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim,

“About six months ago, a new family moved in next door. They are a little younger than us and don’t have kids.  The wife works away a lot, while her husband works from home and has been doing up the house.
“From the moment they met, he and my wife seemed to take a shine to each other.  It didn’t bother me at first that he made her laugh, or that she was always popping over to take food.  But lately, I’ve noticed strong sexual tension between them. He often makes crude jokes, or uses innuendo. 
“Normally, my wife would find this rude or inappropriate. She doesn’t – she just laughs even louder.  They do this in front of me, so they’re not hiding it.
“I think they’ve been texting each other too, although I haven’t been able to confirm this as my wife keeps her phone close at all times, and I don’t know her password. 
“It feels like they’re intimate, or certainly about to become so.
“I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to confront my wife and upset her if I’m wrong.”

— Unsure, Suburbia

Dear Unsure,

My old Dad always said to listen to your gut:  if it says it’s hungry, get something to eat;  if it says it needs to pee, go to the toilet;  if it says not to walk through Central Park at midnight, stay in your hotel room;  and if it says your wife is bonking your new neighbor, she probably is.  And in this case, your gut is absolutely correct — and all the evidence you’ve presented proves it.

  • he makes her laugh (always an aphrodisiac for women)
  • he’s younger than she is (makes her feel attractive)
  • she was always popping over to take food (dead giveaway right there)
  • she doesn’t find his crude jokes and innuendo inappropriate (behavior change)
  • she keeps her phone close at all times (of course she does, because sexting)

She’s fucking him — or very close to doing so.  The real question is:  what are you going to do next?

I’d suggest having a quiet word with Neighbor Boy’s wife, telling her everything you’ve just told me;  let him do the ‘splaining.  And when he confesses, which he might very well do, have her confront your wife.

In the meantime, let your phone’s battery run down to zero, and then ask your wife if you can use her phone to make an important call, in the next room.  If she refuses, there’s your proof right there.

Oh, and talk to a lawyer soon, so you don’t lose the house and/or kids when the SHTF.

Good luck.

By the way:  Deirdre has it precisely wrong.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Here’s an interesting situation:  a letter from each side of a dispute.


Mon cher Médecin du Toit:

“I am the girlfriend of a famous English footballer, but mon Dieu!  he gives me beaucoup de mals de tête, because he is always flirting and making the love with other women.  And when I argue with him and tell him to stop the affaires, he gets tout à fait  angry with me.

“Not long ago, en fait, he actually made me leave his chambre à hotel  because I was réprimanding  him for kissing another woman right in front of me, and showing me no respect!

“I give to him myself and everything he wants of me, yet it seems to be not enough.

“Monsieur le médecin, que faire?”

— Une femme derangée, Paris

Dear Deranged: 

Let me get this straight:  you get involved with a  young, rich and successful footballer, and you expect him to treat you properly?  You didn’t mention his ethnic group / race, but I don’t need to know that because from experience, his kind behaves more or less the same, regardless of race or background.  (Your own countryman David Ginola was, in his time, no different from your guy, and he only “settled down” after he retired from football and, well, grew up.)

There is no easy answer to this problem.  You were attracted to this guy for — let’s face it — his body, fame and fortune (in no specific order).  If he hadn’t had any of those, you wouldn’t have given him a second glance.  Unfortunately, those same attributes make it difficult for him to treat you “properly” because — let’s face it again — there are lots of women like you, and faced with that smorgasbord, very few men of that type are going to remain celibate let alone faithful for long. 

You’ve made your choice, so there it is:  live with it, or leave it.  Jeff Bezos is already taken, so short of getting a job in telemarketing or food service, your options are to go with a less famous but equally-rich guy, but beware:  the competition for them is even greater than for footballers who are, to be honest, a euro a dozen and if I may be… franc, you’re not that special.

Bonne chance.

And from the other half of this relationship:

“Yo Doctor, whatever:

“My main woman is batshit crazy, and no matter how much loot ‘n jewels ‘n stuff I give her, she’s always complaining.  I know I don’t always behave well, but you know?  when you’re earning over fifty grand a week, you always gotta prove to the Guvnor that you’re worth it, and that’s like stressful.  So yeah, sometimes I get a little outta control, but I have to do it to keep my balance going, yeah?

“Also, last season I scored like seventeen goals, and this year only three, so like people are wondering if it’s all over for me, yeah?  And I’m not even an old man of thirty yet, and I might not get picked for England again because I “party too hard” or some shit.  Know what that does to my head, right?

“And then when I get home or to my hotel room or whatever, my girl gets on my case because I did like twenty tequilas and kissed some bitch who stuck her mouth into my face.

“So I’m getting shit at the club, the newspapers think I’m some kind of degenerate, and my main squeeze thinks I’m seven kinds of arsehole.

“Doctor, what can I do, man?”

— Football God

Dear Godless,

If you think life is tough now, just wait until your career is over, your health has gone down the drain and the only relationship you have with women is through child support cheques.

I don’t blame you, though:  I blame the fact that people with questionable skills (sportsmen, actors etc.) are overpaid and start thinking that a) the gravy train will last forever and that b) they are immortal and nobody can tell them what to do. 

My advice is to read — I know, read? — something called “The Gods Of The Copybook Headings“, and have it all explained to you by someone with a little more than the O-levels you clearly missed out on. 

Perhaps then you’ll stop acting like an overindulged child, but I doubt it.  Oh, and don’t expect your French girlfriend to put up with you forever — Frog chicks can be pretty tough about this kind of thing, and you’re fortunate that she hasn’t shot you dead or poisoned your breakfast cereal, yet.  Remember that she too has options;  only they’re not footballers but rich older men who want and will pay, a lot more than you are, for whatever it is she’s selling.

I’d wish you good luck, but you’ve already had that (football talent, youth and a club scout who spotted you earlier on), and you’re pissing it all away instead of going on your knees every day and thanking God for it.  So:  have fun with whatever remains of your worthless life.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“I’m a woman of 30 and my friend is 31. We grew up together. She always wanted a threesome and I said I was game with the right person. But it certainly wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. Then when I got together with my boyfriend, who is 33, she made it clear she thought he would be our perfect third person.

“Eventually I agreed to speak to my partner. He was skeptical at first but then we had an evening at our flat and my friend and I worked on him — and we all ended up in bed together.

“Life then went back to normal. But then on Christmas Eve, my friend turned up unannounced. She got a pregnancy test out of her handbag and showed me the positive result. I was horrified when the penny dropped that it was my boyfriend’s baby.

“My boyfriend and I expected her to opt for an abortion. And my boyfriend was willing to pay for it. But she said no. She said she had wanted to be a mum for a long time. She told me that I could hardly get upset because I went along with the threesome, but I thought she was on the Pill.

“Now she keeps sending me pictures of flats or houses we could all rent together!

“What do I do now?”

Backstabbed, England

Dear Stabbed:

Let me start by telling you that you should probably dump your boyfriend now, while it’s still relatively painless.  Because sooner or later your best friend is going to go after him for child support, and get it.  Which means he’ll have less money to spend on you.  Also, paying child support will make him feel like he’s entitled to visitation and being a part of his kid’s life.  Do you honestly want to be part of that little scenario?  Best get clear of all that, while you can.

I am not an expert in matters like this, so I consulted a fellow doctor (let’s call him Dr. Knob) who is an expert, having had several such encounters in his time.  Here are some lessons to be learned from this — it’s too late in your case, but I’m hoping others will see this and avoid your situation.

  • Never trust that the “plus one” in your FFM threesome is using contraception, unless you’re provided with actual proof (prescription, doctor’s letter, etc.).  It will help if you demand proof of other icky stuff like being pox-free, all as part of the pre-insertion preparation.
  • As a precondition of having a little FFM action, tell your boyfriend ahead of time  that it’s okay, provided that when he gets to the short strokes, it’s into your hot little body that he should be ejaculating.  Tell him that bonking A.N. Other is okay, sorta, but you’ll be insanely jealous if he has his Big Moment with her and not with you.  Chances are that he’ll be flattered, not put off.
  • If either of the above conditions are not met to your satisfaction, feel free to walk away, both before and after the action.

This is a messy business (in so many ways) and to be honest, I think that threesomes in general are best postponed until the post-menopausal time, because a) there’s no chance of your predicament taking place, and b) chances are you’ll be sick of having bonked the same person for years, and a little diversion might not be too harmful — or it might.

Be careful out there.


In light of all the revelations stemming from the Epstein Papers, Sarah Vine asks the question:

What to do about Bad Uncle Andrew? That’s the pressing problem facing King Charles over his morning egg – and it’s not an easy one to solve.


Just tryin’ to be helpful, here.

And for those who don’t know what all the fuss is about, here’s a clue:

Read more

Accumulated Knowledge

Background:  I once worked for an ad agency that had among its clients Vidal Sassoon, and from them I learned all the secrets of the trade.  Below is just a sample.

At its most basic level, shampoo is just a detergent.  Like all detergents, it takes away oils and greases.  Unlike your average kitchen dishwashing detergent, however, it’s very “gentle” — which means it has been severely diluted and therefore, on a cost per fluid ounce / milliliter basis, it outpaces Biden-priced gasoline.  This is particularly true if you buy the “premium” brands (e.g. with French names).

Technically, you could use simple bodywash (also expensive) or even a bar soap like Zest to wash your hair, although it’s a little harsh if your hair is normally thin and fragile.  However (and this leads into our sub-topic), what really counts, if you care for your hair at all, is not the detergent you use but the conditioner.

This is way more important than your shampoo, and a good conditioner will make your hair healthier than will some VO5-type budget conditioner — although, as with all things, budget conditioners work extremely well for some people because their hair responds to it better than to others, even expensive ones.

The more aggressive / cheaper your shampoo, the more money you’ll have to spend on conditioner.

So what do I use?  The cheapest shampoo (generally to be found on the bottom shelf at Kroger, with the lowest cost per ounce) and a mid-range conditioner like Pantene Pro-V.  But I have thick, healthy and wavy (not curly) hair, and I never use a blowdryer.  Also, I wash my hair about every other day, and use conditioner once a week only.


Addendum:  if you’re bald or wear your hair in a don’t-care buzz cut, you are obviously disqualified from commenting on this section, in that your opinions are like those of a cave-dwelling hermit about TV shows, or John Kerry about guns.