Category: Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“I sometimes hear Brits say, ‘It’s gone pear-shaped’ when a situation has taken a turn for the worse.  What does that expression mean, exactly?”

–Puzzled Yank

Dear Puzzled:

Hell if I know.  Most of the time, Brits spout some meaningless gobbledegook at you and when you look at them quizzically, they act like you’re the stupid one — when in fact they’re just fucking up the language that they themselves are supposed to have invented. 

But to answer your question as best I can:  I think that “pear-shaped” has the opposite meaning of what you’re thinking.  Here’s my idea of pear-shaped: 

…and in no way, shape or form can this be regarded as A Bad Thing.  Hope this helps.

— Dr. Kim

Friends & Family

Advice, Friends and Family

One of the first things that lottery winners learn is that they suddenly discover all sorts of friends and family members that they never knew they had.

I’m not one of those people.  In the event that I were to win a lottery, I know exactly who my close friends and family members are (they number fewer than twenty), and if there were any money that was available to be shared, they’d get 80% of it (after my off-the-top 20%, depending on the size of the pot — the smaller the pot, the larger my percentage).  But even that’s not the end of it.  Because — and this is made quite clear in all the rules and literature about this kind of thing — any lottery winnings are the sole possession of the individual whose name is on the winning ticket.  Nobody else is “owed” anything.

And here’s the little tale of avarice and entitlement that made me think about this in the first place:

Alex Robertson was one of a dozen bus drivers from Corby, Northants., to scoop a share of £38million on the EuroMillions.  Mr Robertson’s share, which he won a decade ago, was worth £3.1million – but it sparked a feud between him and his sons, who claimed he refused to share any of the cash with them.

…which was his right.  £3.1million was back then the equivalent of about $4.7 million — hardly what we would call “screw you” money — so apart from the legal issue, he was perfectly within his rights not to share the money with anyone else.  Just to make the point even clearer:  his sons were in their early 30s when he won the lottery, and so not his dependent children, by any stretch.

And here’s where the fun begins.  His bratty kids started to go after him:

Alex Jnr admitted: “We ended up taking hammers to his two new 4x4s. We walked up his driveway at 11 o’clock at night and put two claw hammers through the windows of the car.  We then reported ourselves to the police.”

William was later charged with harassing his Lotto-winning dad by sending him threatening text messages.

And the whining:

Alex Jr. told The Sun at the time: “This lottery win was the worst thing that ever happened to us — it ripped our families apart.”

No, you self-entitled, unspeakable little shit:  you ripped the families apart by somehow thinking that your hardworking bus driver of a dad had to share his good fortune with you.  Did you ever buy your own lottery tickets?  (Doubt it, and even so, it’s irrelevant.)

Anyway, all’s well that ends well.  Robinson Sr. lives in Spain, far away from his toxic offspring, and I just hope that he’s willed the remainder of his estate to a worthwhile charity, and not to the Fuckhead Twins.

 

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim:
“At age 50, I recently got divorced from my husband of twenty or so years, and since then I’ve been reading about the Orgasm Gap, which points out that men have more orgasms than women during sex.  Is this something worth looking at?  Quite frankly, I haven’t had sex with my husband (nor anyone else) for about the past ten years, so I’m not exactly up to speed on the topic.
“Hubby and I had sex about the average — once or twice a week — until the kids arrived, when I was too tired for that kind of thing and so our sex life sort of faded away.
“After the kids left home I decided to start my life again, so I got divorced.  Hubby seemed relieved rather than surprised, and signed the papers with quite indecent haste.
“Anyway, I see that lots of women are in my situation, and also have issues about sex.
“Do you have any advice?” — Sex Curious, Florida

Dear Curious,
So you’ve left Hubby to get on with bonking his secretary or whoever, and now you want to reignite the sex life of your teenage / 20s years?  Okay, here we go.

Are you one of those women who are capable of multiple orgasms during a single sex act?  (Assuming you can remember that far back, that is.)  If you are, then you’ll be just fine, as long as you bat in your own league and don’t do the Emma Thompson thing and start shagging 20-year-old boys.

If you’re a “once-and-done” kinda gal, you need to work on it with your partner before you start the actual bonking (what’s known today as “foreplay”, I believe) so that you can get to your Magic Moment before he gets to his, so to speak.

If you’re one of those women who take ages to arrive at Ecstasy Central, you may have to use toys (i.e. vibrators) to help the process along, because quite frankly, most men lose patience after a while and either reach their finish line “prematurely” (i.e. before you) or else quit your bed altogether and search for ahem greener pastures.

However, these are murkier waters than I care to swim in, and I see that there’s a growing trend of so-called “sexual intimacy coaches” (ha!) who claim to be helping many women such as yourself with their orgasm issues.

I would recommend that you contact one of these coaches, and in fact I happen to know one — Jasper Longstroke — who may be able to help you out.  Email me for contact details, although he seems to be quite busy at the moment.

Also, beware of imposters.  If he asks you to send him a few pics of your Pleasure Palace so he can “study the problem”, he may not be the kind of intimacy coach you need.  Ditto the guys who want to spend time in your bed, teaching you intimacy from a practical perspective.

Good luck — you’re probably going to need it.

— Dr. Kim

Welcome Reminder

Advice, Trades

…that among the larger paradigm shifts of recent years, the “go to college after high school” mantra has been largely debunked in favor of going to a trade school:

More than a million students have held off from going to college since the pandemic problems arose, and many of those students are seeking training in the trades instead. Their skills are in high demand, too, as nearly 90 percent of contractors are desperate for competent workers.

I said this back in 2008.  And no, it’s not just for boys.

   

After all, it’s not like this is some new thing, either:

Simple Solution

Advice

In the wake of the non-event of one Black dude bitchslapping another Black dude for making fun of his wife on a live TV show that nobody was watching, we get this wail:

Today, every comedian in the U.S. is on Facebook making nervous jokes about the likelihood of Will Smith copycats walking on stage and walloping a comic over a joke that hurt their little feelings.

So?  Fight back.  Perform while wearing sap gloves or a knuckleduster.  Make a baseball bat part of your routine.

Pepper spray, stun guns, will all work, but no real guns — that might be seen as a bit extreme, and probably with some justification.

Now, I have to say that if fistfights on stage are going to be a regular feature of Oscar Nights, I might even be tempted to watch the foul event, especially if Robert De Niro gets his ass kicked or Mark Ruffalo gets a few teeth knocked out.

Or, if that’s too violent, why not “MUD WRESTLING !!!  Featuring Christina Hendricks and
Salma Hayek !!!”

 

I’d watch that, you betcha.

Determinative Questions

Advice

As people seem to be unwilling to tell how to define what a woman is, the Babylon Bee  has an excellent questionnaire of 12 signs that someone may be a woman.

I would add only three:

13) Do you feel insecure about your relationships?

14) Do you often have low self-esteem, or feelings of inadequacy?

15) Have you ever faked an orgasm?

That should do it, with the Bee‘s dozen.