“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim,

“I’ve been dating my girlfriend for five years now, but for four of those years we were long-distance while we both went to college in different states.

“We found a great place that was within our budgets and I was so excited to finally be together all the time after years of working around our crazy schedules and having to travel back and forth to enjoy just a couple of days together at a time.

“But now that we’ve made the move, I’m starting to think it was a huge mistake. She’s always been a control freak, but it seems to have trebled in intensity since we moved in.

“She obsessively vacuums the couch – THE COUCH! – every day, freaks out if there’s a single sock on the floor, or a towel that isn’t hung up on the right hook, and when we both get home from work, all she wants to do is clean and tidy, or talk about bills and budgets.

“I know I can be a bit messy so I’ve really tried hard to keep our place as tidy as possible. But I don’t want to live in a show home! I want to be able to come home and kick off my shoes by the door without panicking that she’ll get annoyed.

“It’s only been three weeks, but it already feels like moving in together has killed the romance in our relationship, and I’m scared that if we keep going down this path we are going to end up as resentful roommates rather than boyfriend and girlfriend.

“Dr. Kim, what’s the best thing to do?”

— Controlled, USA

Dear Pussywhipped:

Let me tell you:  control freaks / obsessive neatniks / do-what-mommy-says types are incurable.  All that bullshit is a great big searchlight shining away from some repressed nonsense from childhood or other serious mental issues, and it’s being directed at you.

You haven’t mentioned whether your sex life is any good.  It had better be the “blow the top off your head” kind, because otherwise you need to reconsider your relationship.

Actually, forget I said that.  No sex (of whatever excitement or variety) is worth putting up with control freakery.  Because one day the desire for sex will diminish if not disappear, and all you’ll be left with is Nurse Ratched.

Just get out now.  It’s kinda sad that it took you five years of your life to find this out — and by the way I think you’re an idiot for not having seen all the warning signs long ago — but at least you’re not married yet.  If you think Miss Controller is bad now, you have no idea what awaits you on the runup to your (actually, her) wedding day.

Oh, and ignore all the bollocks that idiot Jane Green suggests, because she’s a chick and chicks think that everything can be resolved just by talking about it.  You need to know that talking to your Controller will not achieve anything.  She is not going to change, and if you try to talk to her, all that awaits you is misery and humiliation.

You didn’t say whether the apartment is in your name or hers, or jointly.  Either way, one of you has to leave.  If the apartment is in your name, it has to be her;  if in her name or jointly, pack your bags and GTFO.

Once away from this minefield, find someone more agreeable, and start to enjoy your life.  You have no idea how much more pleasant that is going to be.


  1. “It’s easy to find what you want between her legs; the challenge is finding what you need between her ears.”

    No relationship, of any kind, should be entered into without consideration of an exit strategy, which may change as people, conditions, economics, environment, and relationships, change. Options enable flexibility which enables survivability and, possibly, prosperity.

  2. I’ll tell this guy what I told the boy when he had a very similar girlfriend;
    I have six friends and a nephew in law that married chicks like this one. Six are divorced, one lives in misery.

    They get married it won’t be long before she cuts her hair short (if it isn’t already), like a dude, and the sex all but stops. Maybe he gets a hand-job on his birthday.

    Run, don’t walk. And next time, if after a year you are making plans to wife her up, let her go. You are doing her or yourself any favors by five years of a long distance relationship.

  3. again, Crazy Hot Matrix is essential learning for all males and deserves a regular refresher for education and entertainment. OCD cleaners are on the higher end of crazy and frequently in the danger zone or no go zone

    1. I would only disagree in that ALL controlling OCD women are in the danger zone.

      1. these OCD folks might make good housekeepers as long as it is very clear who the employer is and who the employee is

  4. OCD only gets worse with age. And it morphs into weirdness too. One room can be a complete mess, but God forbid that even the most minor thing be misplaced in a different room. This week, one spec of dust means we gotta clean the entire house. Next week? Ignore the house, we got to completely re-landscape cause I don’t like that shrub. Trust me, hard pass and keep moving.

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