“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim,
“Yesterday I ate some Chinese food, and today I’m not feeling well. Could I have caught the coronavirus?”

— Hyper Kondriac, Illinois

Dear Hyper Moron:
Never mind. I’m sure you’ll be better by November, when you can vote Democrat.  And even if you die before then, the fucking Democrats will register your vote anyway.

— Dr. Kim

“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim:
“Please could you tell me how one might become more resilient in the face of constant disappointment in life? I don’t believe I set the bar high, yet so often I feel unhappy with the way things turn out to be.
For example, I invested thousands of pounds of savings (in addition to a large loan) to pay for a degree that led to no graduate job or studentship for a PhD. I worked in a hotel for two years to save for a masters degree, which I’m now undertaking.
The quality of this course is also extremely disappointing and I really regret starting it.
The rejections have begun again due to the competitive nature of securing a funded PhD (I’ve had my CVs and applications checked and they are fine). I fear the same will happen again once I finish this course.
There are also disappointments on a broader scale, for instance, the catastrophe that is Brexit and the fact people still continue to live a life convenient for them at the expense of damaging our planet. All this has started to chip away at me and at the age of 25 I feel bitter.
I know life is anything but fair, but I am struggling to change my mindset. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”

— Princess PhD, London

Dear Princess:
Basically, I can see no end to your horrible unhappiness and the resulting bitterness, and can offer you no advice other than to kill yourself.
While this may seem a somewhat extreme remedy for your many ills, it’s not all bad:  you won’t have to endure the trauma of having to deal with rejection and you won’t have to deal with the consequences of other people’s foolishness like Brexit and planet damage.  And on the financial side, you won’t have to pay your tuition fees either, as you probably have no money saved for your estate.
If you shrink from suicide — as this seems to be a habit of yours in dealing with life’s unpleasantness — then I suggest you eat four Tide pods and call me in the morning.

Normal disclaimer / obligatory warning for stupid people:

Dr. Kim isn’t a doctor, doesn’t play one on TV (but has been known to do so with unsuspecting women on an ad-hoc basis).  His advice should be taken with a metric tonne of salt and two metric tonnes of humor, and should be followed with extreme care.  Dr. Kim takes no responsibility for outcomes of separation, violence, divorce or strange diseases stemming from the adoption of his advice.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim:
I would like more variety in sex but my wife is only interested in vanilla sex – and not much of that.  We got married when we were 18 and inexperienced.  It was the first serious relationship for both of us.  We are 46 now with two grown-up daughters.  Now should be our time but my wife has no interest in sex.  I told her I want to improve our sex life but she says sex is the last thing on her mind.  She hates her breasts being touched. She says oral sex does nothing for her and will not even allow me to try.  I now get it from her once every six months.  She says she can take sex or leave it but it is killing my spirit.  What advice do you have for me?”

— Sex-Starved Monkey

Dear Starved:

I am usually against the modern strain of advice which urges youngins to move in together before they’re married so that they can see if they’re sexually compatible.  Then every so often I see a situation like yours, and that advice doesn’t seem so bad after all.

You didn’t say what your sex life was like right after you got married and before you had kids, but I’m willing to guess that it wasn’t that great to start off with.  But that’s all water under the bridge, so let’s see what you can do now in order to get your leg over a little more often.

My advice is to start a new hobby, a solitary one which takes you out of the house for extended periods of time each week — birdwatching, target shooting, maybe fishing, something of that nature.  Start doing that as soon as possible, and invite the Ice Queen to join you — in fact, insist on her joining you for at least the first few times.  She’ll get bored eventually, and will refuse to come along with you.

Then, and only  then, is when you can get yourself a mistress.  Under cover of your hobby, you’ll have time a-plenty to indulge yourself in carnal pleasures such as oral sex and breast stroking of the non-aquatic variety.  Believe it or not, many women of your age have sympathy for men such as you and will gladly help you out.  It’s called “friends with benefits” nowadays, and it is far preferable to spending time and money on hookers.  (Avoid that option like the plague, because that’s precisely one of the risks, of course.)

There’s only one word of caution I have for you.  You may fall in love with Miss Part-Time, or she with you, or both with each other.  At that point, it’s Grown-Up Time:  you may have to make the decision whether you want to leave the Ice Queen and turn Miss Part-Time into Miss Full-Time.  (Or, gawd forbid, into Mrs. Full-Time.  Don’t do that unless you want your lovely new sex life to disappear like snow on a hot summer’s day.  Learn from your mistakes.)

On the other hand, if you love the Ice Queen despite the no-sex thing, or don’t want to risk leaving the poor excuse of marriage that you have, or realize that you can live with twice-a-year crap sex, then don’t do any of what I just said.  Do what countless men in your predicament do all over the world, and watch lots of Internet porn while wanking yourself into insensibility.  Don’t feel guilty about it, either:  the male sex urge is undeniable and pretty much unstoppable.  I’m not saying you should flaunt that activity in front of the Ice Queen, of course — a gentleman should be discreet about this kind of thing — but if she does catch you in flagrante delicto, do not apologize.  The fault is hers, not yours.  (If she freaks out and says, “I can’t live with a pervert like you”, then take her up on her unspoken invitation.)

One last, and possibly unworthy thought.  Did it ever occur to you that the Ice Queen doesn’t have a problem with sex, but only sex with you?  Are you a slob, or a boor or anything like that?  If you are, then that may be your problem, and not a frigid wife.  If you are not that guy, your wife may not want sex with you because she’s getting it somewhere else.  (I personally doubt it, but it’s worth looking into.)

Good luck, and happy wanking.

— Dr. Kim

Normal disclaimer / obligatory warning for stupid people:

Dr. Kim isn’t a doctor, doesn’t play one on TV (but has been known to do so with unsuspecting women on an ad-hoc basis).  His advice should be taken with a metric tonne of salt and two metric tonnes of humor, and should be followed with extreme care.  Dr. Kim takes no responsibility for outcomes of separation, violence, divorce or strange diseases stemming from the adoption of his advice.

Home Defense Options

Some honchos in the gun world have weighed in with their home defense choices:

Keeping all of this in mind, we sought out a variety of professionals to comment on their particular home-defense guns, and more importantly, why they have those guns — simply telling you they use a 12-gauge isn’t very helpful. You don’t have to be a Special Forces guy or SWAT ninja to consider their rationales, so our hope is that after you read this piece you’ll evaluate the contents of your own nightstand. While there are some brand-names mentioned, think of each configuration as a loose guideline for a given situation and not an internet special, where all the parts and pieces have to match exactly. This is about choosing home-defense equipment, not points on the ‘gram. Still, we’ll disclose all of those parts and pieces, because we dabble in gear nerdery.

Sheesh.  Talk about space-age stuff.

I’m not one of those “heavy hitters”, nor do I get free shit thrown at me by any manufacturers [sob]  so here are my home defense suggestions, based in my own circumstances.

DA revolver in .357 Magnum, because as I’ve said countless times before, your “people in the house, grope in the dark” gun has to be like a fork:  when you pick it up, it has to work simply and without any chance of failure.  My only “accessory” (which I don’t have at the moment) would be one of those laser pointer thingies that are activated by squeezing the grip.

Home defense:
AK-47.  I live in a suburban apartment complex, so there’s little call for any kind of animal varmint reduction.  Human  varmints, however, may be another (albeit remote) situation even in my affluent location, and I prefer an AK over a shotgun because 20 rounds are better than 2 (I don’t have a pump- or semi-auto shotgun, only a side-by-side).  (Also, nothing  says “RUN AWAY!” like the sight of an AK pointed at your midsection.)

Fenix FX-PD35TAC flashlight, because of the 1000-watt beam and the strobe option — which is so disorienting it actually causes nausea at the naughty end.  I carry one of these bad boys in my gilet pocket, and keep another next to the bed.

Sjambok for controlling angry dogs and/or assholes.

That’s it.  I have other options, so to speak, but the above are what I always keep (very) close at hand.  Well, they would  be kept close at hand, except for that unfortunate canoeing incident on the Brazos River a few years back.  This is just my wishlist.

About That Knife Maker

You all may recall one of the Christmas presents I got two weeks back:

Well, thanks to Alert Reader Mark D, we learn the truth about “knifemaker” Ed Mehler (my emphasis):

Ed Mehler is a knife seller for Knives Ranch and that he had previously been told to stop representing himself as the maker of Knives Ranch knives he was selling (at least those with the Knives Ranch logo stamp on them).

Note that this dates back to 2014, which means this asshole is still in business.

Caveat emptor (let the buyer beware) — in my case, emptor morsus est (the buyer was bitten).

Oh well… at least I have the best-looking boxcutter in Texas.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I understand that you used to play in a rock band, so perhaps you can help.  Our gig band is in need of a keyboards player, so we set up a whole bunch of auditions.  Astonishingly, every single applicant was female, and we’ve never had any women in the band before.  The problem is that all the applicants were excellent musicians, and none of us guys can decide which one we like best.  I’ve attached pics in the hope that this will guide you to help us decide.”

— The Undecided Quartet

Dear Quartet,
Women are problematic in a rock band, for all sorts of reasons.  If they’re single, they will inevitably get a boyfriend who gets jealous of the guys in the band and will try to get her to quit.  If she’s already married, chances are that her husband will eventually start to feel the same way, AND the odds are also good that she’ll get pregnant and quit the band to look after her brat, or some such stupid reason.
I’m not even going to get into the scenario where two or more of your bandmates are going to fall in love with her and get jealous of each other;  or if they’re married, will have an affair with her thus angering the wifey — all of which means that the band could break up over the bitch.  Do you really want to have to deal with all that?
Anyway, now that I’ve got that off my chest, let’s look at the pics…

— Dr. Kim


P.S.  Choose the one who can read music the best.  Or the one with the biggest tits.  Either is good.