Category: Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“I was raised Catholic by my ultra-religious parents.  Later on, I married a man who began to abuse me verbally and beat me.  I stuck it out as long as I could, but eventually had enough and divorced him.

“I expected my parents to support me in my troubles, but instead they screamed at me for breaking my sacred marriage vows.  They were so upset with me, despite the circumstances, that they disowned me from inheriting any of their estate. 

“I want to sue them to overturn their decision, so that I can eventually inherit what is properly mine.

“Am I doing the right thing?”

— Catholic Martyr

Dear CM:

I am sorry that your life has been a pattern of abuse, both from your parents and from your husband.  All three of them are total cunts, and to be honest, you are better off without them in your life.

If you ever talk to your parents again (which I don’t recommend), perhaps you should ask them if they’d have preferred to see you escape your marriage by murdering your husband instead — oh wait, that’s a mortal sin, nemmind.

While I sympathize greatly with your situation, I must nevertheless caution you against suing your parents to get your inheritance restored.

In the first place, only lawyers win in these situations, especially if you lose.

Secondly, this means you’d actually have to continue to be part of their horrible lives, even if only through lawyers.

And finally, let me remind you that as unpleasant as this may sound, your parents are in no way morally bound to leave you anything after they snuff it (hopefully soon, and painfully).  It’s their property, and if they decide to leave it all to the Vatican instead (which wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest), that’s just the way of the world, especially for cunts like them.

Frankly, I’d send them a letter telling them that while you are hurt by their cunty decisions — for neglecting their parental duty to support you, and for the disinheritance — you intend never to see or speak to them again, and should they ever need any assistance in their old age, not to bother contacting you.  Then don’t answer any letters or phone calls from them anymore.

I know, forgiveness is a Christian virtue and all that.  But when a rabid dog bites you, it’s silly to pat it on the head afterwards.

I hope that in the near future you find a decent man to share your life with, and that you go on to have many children — who should never, ever be shared with their cunty grandparents, under any circumstances.

And if you can’t write them that letter, feel free to use this one in its stead.

—

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“Not only has my wife now gone off sex altogether, she won’t even kiss me. She says it makes her feel “dirty and disgusting” and that it’s just not something she wants to do any more. I don’t understand where this has come from, but it’s beginning to break my heart.

“I’m 55 and she is 49. We have been married for 20 years and now have two grown-up children. While we’ve never had the most exciting sex life, we always used to make time for a bit of intimacy. Now she no longer touches me, and even when I try to kiss her or cuddle her, she makes it clear how uncomfortable she is about it. I’ve tried everything but she is making me feel unattractive and unwanted.

“How can I solve this problem? I miss feeling close to her.

— Rejected, Cambridge

Dear Rejected:

Of all the ways a woman can reject a man, telling him that intimacy makes her feel “dirty and disgusting” has to be the most brutal.  So why is she doing this to you?

She’s having an affair.

No point whining about it;  it’s a done deal.  If you don’t want to get a divorce, move all your stuff into another bedroom (you should have one, as your kids are grown), and then start living a separate life from her:  women, friends, late nights and so on.  When you go out, don’t tell her where you’re going or when she can expect you back.  If she asks if you’re seeing another woman, tell her it’s none of her business.  Tell her that “closeness” is a two-way street, and as she’s walked away from you, you’re not going to beg for it.

Don’t even bother negotiating with her, and don’t listen to her if she wants “things to go back to the way they used to be”.

By the way:  if she’s not having an affair, then she has psychological problems that are so profound that there’s no point in you trying to understand or fix them.

In either case, my advice is the same:  dump her and get on with your own life.

 

“Dear Dr. Kim: 

“I met this rather hunky-looking guy online, and after a two-week flirtation, I agreed to go away with him to a romantic island destination. 

“Well, the romantic holiday was anything but.  No sooner had we got to the beach and gone for a swim when he ripped off my sexy bikini and raped me, right there in the sea as we were swimming together.

“So I asked him to take me back to my hotel room — where he tried to rape me again.  Fortunately, I managed to escape from him, and called the police.  He’s been charged with rape and now faces prison time. 

“What should I do, going forward”

— Abused, UK

Dear Abused Idiot,

I know you’re only twenty years old, and perhaps you think that this should excuse your stupidity and naïveté.  However, all 20-year-olds seem to think they know everything about everything, when in fact they know nothing about anything — even, it seems, when it comes to online dating, an activity with which they’ve supposedly been familiar since pre-adolescence.

So my first piece of advice is to burn your voter’s ID because you are too stupid to be allowed to vote.  Add your driver’s license to the bonfire, for the same reason, and maybe your bus pass too, just to be on the safe side.  (I’d suggest your phone too, but I don’t think the NHS covers the surgery needed to remove it from your hand.)

Just in case you haven’t got the picture by now, let me outline the parts where you went hopelessly wrong.

1. Online relationships are often not what they seem to be.
2. Two weeks’ online chat does not make a relationship — at least, not one where you should leave home and meet up in a totally strange place, by yourself.
3. Young Albanian men do not make the best boyfriends.  Feel free to go online and look up for “Balkan gangsters”, if you don’t believe me. I also should point out that for most Albanian men, killing someone for a seemingly-trivial reason is not an unknown event.  Calling the cops on them isn’t trivial.
4. The island of Rhodes is indeed a romantic place for a rendezvous.  However, entrusting your wellbeing to the Greek police is not a safe bet — even though you lucked out on this occasion.

I would suggest that you confine your romantic searches to your own city, except that you live in the U.K. which, according to most news reports, seems to be populated with Albanian gangsters and rapists/murderers in general, some not even wearing police uniforms.

My final piece of advice, therefore, is to emigrate to a Scandinavian country — but just avoid dating young immigrant Arab men there because they basically taught the Albanians all they know.  The soft blonde native Scandi men are a much safer bet.

—

Today’s public service announcement comes from Noose-Tie, makers of fine hemp rope for over 150 years (motto: “Stretch Necks Not Rope“), and should serve as a handy little reference guide for when we start cleaning up the Swamp come The Glorious Day:

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the range because I support shooting over hanging, for obvious reasons.