Category: Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim,
“The other night, my husband of four years wanted to have sex, but I was too tired, so for the first time ever, I turned him down. Since then, he’s been acting kind of distant. Should I be worried?”
—Naysayer, Tucson

Dear Naysayer,

Congratulations: you just put the first nail in your marriage’s coffin.

Let me get this straight: your life partner wants a little intimacy with you, a chance to show that he loves you still, some time to share your bodies with all the pleasure that this entails, and when you tell him to piss off, you’re surprised that he’s “acting kind of distant”?

Here’s a little clue for you (and all women). When you get married, sex with your husband is one of the things you sign on for. If you’re deathly ill, you’re entitled to ask him for a raincheck (and the chances are, he won’t even ask on those occasions unless he’s a total dickhead and in that case you have more serious issues to deal with). Other than that, you have no right to turn your husband down for sex, ever. You’re tired? Too bad. How much effort does sex take, anyway? He’s asking for intimacy, you’re telling him you don’t want any. How do you expect him to feel?

Here’s another little clue: men don’t like rejection. It’s bad enough during the dating scene, when a simple request for a dance or some conversation gets turned down – sometimes, crushingly – and after a while, rejection from a stranger somehow gets easier to handle. But rejection from your alleged soulmate? What were you thinking?

I know what some women are going to say: “It wasn’t about intimacy, he just wanted to get his rocks off.” Yeah, maybe. So what? How bad can that possibly be for you? At worst, it’ll be over quickly, and you can go to sleep. But it could also surprise you and be wonderful, spectacular and blow you away completely – sex between married couples often turns out that way, sometimes when you least expect it to.

Let me tell you one more thing: everyone always talks about the “sacrifices” that people have to make when they’re married. In case you missed it, here’s one of those sacrifices: sometimes, one of you is going to have to have sex when you don’t really feel like it. Big fat bummer. As much as women need romance in their lives, men need sex. Despite all the carping and wailing of feminists and other harpies, that is never going to change. Never.

Here’s another thought: reverse the roles. You just read a steamy romance novel, watched a romantic movie, or whatever floats your hormonal boat. Now you’ve got the hots. So when hubby comes home from work, you lead him off to bed dressed in your sexiest nightie… and he turns you down. Feels good, doesn’t it?

The biggest problem with all this is that people seem to have forgotten this simple rule: when you get married, your body doesn’t belong to you anymore: it belongs to your spouse. That’s why a man shouldn’t have affairs: his dick belongs to his wife – and that’s why a married women can’t say no to her husband: because her socket belongs to his coupling-pin.

And finally (brace yourself, lady), here’s something you may not know. Your husband is going to take rejection hard. Very hard. And don’t give me the jive about how he should just “deal with it.” Dealing with rejection is what you have to endure with strangers. There should never be rejection, of any kind, between married partners. He is opening himself up to you, letting himself be vulnerable to you – and you’re kicking him in the nuts.

After four years of always saying “yes,” you suddenly said “no.” What do you think his conclusion might be about that?
— Dr. Kim

“Dear Dr. Kim,
“I recently started dating a nice girl, and things were going well for a while. Then she invited me over to her place for the first time (for Saturday brunch), and I noticed that she had four cats. I’m not allergic to cats, and in fact I quite like them. But isn’t four cats a little excessive?”
—Worried, Scranton

Dear Worried,
Run, do not walk, to the Relationship Exit. Any single woman who owns more than one cat has issues so profound and so dangerous (for a relationship) that I dare not speak of them in polite company. But don’t take my word for it: ask any of your male friends for a second opinion. If anything, their advice will be stronger than mine.
—Dr. Kim

And yes, by popular demand, we bring to you a feature from Kimblogs passim, Dr. Kim.

Obligatory warning for stupid people: Dr. Kim isn’t a doctor, doesn’t play one on TV (but has been known to do so with unsuspecting women on an ad-hoc basis). His advice should be taken with a metric tonne of salt and two metric tonnes of humor, and should be followed with extreme care. Dr. Kim takes no responsibility for outcomes of separation, violence, divorce or strange diseases stemming from the adoption of his advice.

“Dear Dr. Kim: Ever since the election of 2016 and Donald Trump’s victory, a strange thing has happened to me. Some of the people in my social circle seem to have gone quite nuts about Trump, and about his administration. In the past, we were a mix of liberals and conservatives, but we all got along quite well. Now, however, things have changed, and a few of them have made it clear that any kind of support for President Trump is a barrier to friendship. Is friendship worth losing over silly politics?” — A Friend In Need Of Advice

Dear Friend: The problem is that it’s no longer “silly politics”. What we have in the U.S. today is an irreconcilable difference as to how our country should exist — a republic as envisaged by the Founding Fathers where freedom of the individual is paramount, or a modern-day Western state where the government decides how people should best live their lives. Ultimately, you have to decide whether friendship is worth this conflict, but I think the answer is simple.

History — that would be the actual history of the world, not that bullshit peddled by Howard Zinn and Simon Schama — has proved that our Constitution has created a vastly better system of government than has, say, Marx’s Communist Manifesto. For recent proof of how socialism / communism / progressivism sucks, one has only to look at the difference between the car industries of West Germany (Mercedes, BMW, Porsche) and the former East Germany (Trabant). Same people, same engineering acumen, but different political philosophies and a totally different outcome. Your liberal friends would prefer to live in a state like, say, modern-day France — where daycare is free but where until very recently the government regulated the names which one could give one’s children — rather than under the Donald Trump administration, which is doing its best to reduce the number of annoying government regulations. So here’s my advice.

Refuse to be friends with stupid people who think that socialism is cool, guns are evil, high taxes are fine, big government is okay, political correctness should run our colleges, and that “diversity” is a viable social option. Why should you indulge their childish, moronic fantasies when the only outcome is death and ruin?

You will be the better for it, and so will the United States.

— Dr. Kim