“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim,
“The other night, my husband of four years wanted to have sex, but I was too tired, so for the first time ever, I turned him down. Since then, he’s been acting kind of distant. Should I be worried?”
—Naysayer, Tucson

Dear Naysayer,

Congratulations: you just put the first nail in your marriage’s coffin.

Let me get this straight: your life partner wants a little intimacy with you, a chance to show that he loves you still, some time to share your bodies with all the pleasure that this entails, and when you tell him to piss off, you’re surprised that he’s “acting kind of distant”?

Here’s a little clue for you (and all women). When you get married, sex with your husband is one of the things you sign on for. If you’re deathly ill, you’re entitled to ask him for a raincheck (and the chances are, he won’t even ask on those occasions unless he’s a total dickhead and in that case you have more serious issues to deal with). Other than that, you have no right to turn your husband down for sex, ever. You’re tired? Too bad. How much effort does sex take, anyway? He’s asking for intimacy, you’re telling him you don’t want any. How do you expect him to feel?

Here’s another little clue: men don’t like rejection. It’s bad enough during the dating scene, when a simple request for a dance or some conversation gets turned down – sometimes, crushingly – and after a while, rejection from a stranger somehow gets easier to handle. But rejection from your alleged soulmate? What were you thinking?

I know what some women are going to say: “It wasn’t about intimacy, he just wanted to get his rocks off.” Yeah, maybe. So what? How bad can that possibly be for you? At worst, it’ll be over quickly, and you can go to sleep. But it could also surprise you and be wonderful, spectacular and blow you away completely – sex between married couples often turns out that way, sometimes when you least expect it to.

Let me tell you one more thing: everyone always talks about the “sacrifices” that people have to make when they’re married. In case you missed it, here’s one of those sacrifices: sometimes, one of you is going to have to have sex when you don’t really feel like it. Big fat bummer. As much as women need romance in their lives, men need sex. Despite all the carping and wailing of feminists and other harpies, that is never going to change. Never.

Here’s another thought: reverse the roles. You just read a steamy romance novel, watched a romantic movie, or whatever floats your hormonal boat. Now you’ve got the hots. So when hubby comes home from work, you lead him off to bed dressed in your sexiest nightie… and he turns you down. Feels good, doesn’t it?

The biggest problem with all this is that people seem to have forgotten this simple rule: when you get married, your body doesn’t belong to you anymore: it belongs to your spouse. That’s why a man shouldn’t have affairs: his dick belongs to his wife – and that’s why a married women can’t say no to her husband: because her socket belongs to his coupling-pin.

And finally (brace yourself, lady), here’s something you may not know. Your husband is going to take rejection hard. Very hard. And don’t give me the jive about how he should just “deal with it.” Dealing with rejection is what you have to endure with strangers. There should never be rejection, of any kind, between married partners. He is opening himself up to you, letting himself be vulnerable to you – and you’re kicking him in the nuts.

After four years of always saying “yes,” you suddenly said “no.” What do you think his conclusion might be about that?
— Dr. Kim


  1. Allow me to be the first to comment, Dr. Kim: you’re absolutely right about this. A woman who turns her husband down is asking for trouble. Got a headache? Sure, orgasm will probably intensify it. Take an aspirin afterwards, ya big baby.

  2. I seem to recall you posting this on your old site too, it seems familiar.

    I think over the last few decades both men AND women have been sold a bill of goods by feminists, that men are pigs, that women only have sex to please their men but men have sex only to please themselves. A former girlfriend of mine seriously believed that hers was the first generation of women to actually enjoy sex. That previous generations of women only had sex to keep their husband/meal ticket around, or because they wanted a baby. (Yes, that was the girlfriend who was a Women’s Studies major, why do you ask?) It took me a long time to see this as the BS it is.

    The result of this is that a woman can accuse a man of rape after consensual sex, if she decided afterward that she didn’t REALLY want to but felt coerced (even if the activity was HER idea). That women are the arbiter of sex, but the man is responsible for the results. Or of course that a woman can ruin a man’s life if she suffers from buyer’s remorse.

  3. Tripe.

    If you as a “man” are hurt when your female partner turns you down because she didn’t feel like having sex, you are an insecure cunt. Grow a set. Sometimes women AND men are not in the mood for sex. I’ve turned the love of my life down because I was exhausted and she’s done the same to me. No death knells for our relationship have been heard. I am 50 and she is 49 and we still fuck more than most 25 year old couples.

    Stick to guns and the pussification of America. As a man thrice divorced, your relationship advice carries little water.

    1. Clearly, you missed the “humor” tag on the post. I’m not even a doctor, and I REALLY don’t care about your sex life. To quote the late Sam Kinison: it’s a JOKE.

      And just to clear things up, I’m twice divorced, once widowed.

      1. That was an attempt at humor? Stick to guns and history. I like when you write about those. This post was more like a lame, tendentious effort to once again gain infamy in the blogosphere.

        1. Your comments have been noted. Feel free to find online observations that are more acceptable to you, say, at another website.

Comments are closed.