5 Worst Things About The Corona Virus

  • All those exotic “Chinese Bat Stew” frozen dinners in your freezer will have to be thrown away
  • Your new Huawei phone has been renamed “Typhoid Mary” in the catalog
  • Far fewer cheap and trashy options in the Clothing section at Walmart
  • “Visit Chinatown” has to be taken off your bucket list
  • Severely limits your choices in the “buy a foreign wife” market

Your suggestions in Comments.

5 Worst Things About Valentine’s Day

Welcome to the first major Hallmark Holiday of the year. Here are the five worst:

  • Soppy fucking movies on TV and cutesy fucking teddy bears (are we still five years old?) everywhere you look
  • Hay fever from all the fucking roses in the drugstore
  • This bullshit in the newspapers:
  • All those articles in women’s magazines about how single women are traumatized by not having a date tonight
  • Knowing that it’s the one day of the year you have to buy her flowers / candy / a romantic dinner simply to get what you can get any other night of the year just by feeding her a couple wine coolers.

Your pet peeves about ValDay in Comments.

5 Worst Things About The Impeachment Trial

Ranked in order of heinousness:

  • No pole dancing allowed in the Senate chamber
  • When the Senate tosses this shit out on its ass, the screaming from hair-on-fire Leftists will be so loud and shrill that dogs will have to wear hearing protection
  • Schiff and Nadler won’t be publicly hanged in the Rotunda when Trump is cleared
  • Nor will Nancy Pelosi
  • The Democrat Socialist Electoral Clown Show will once again dominate the news cycle

Your candidates for this topic, in Comments.

5 Worst Christmas Presents

In ascending order of awfulness, proving that the gift-giver doesn’t really care about you.

For men:

  • A used Barry Manilow “Greatest Hits” CD
  • A non-transferable gift voucher for Dick’s Sporting Goods
  • Aftershave lotion, when you have a beard
  • An invitation to a time-share sales pitch
  • A Toyota Prius

And for women:

  • Cheap drugstore perfume
  • A coffee mug with a “Caution:  Bitch” label
  • A photo of your husband posing naked with his mistress
  • A plug-in room deodorizer
  • Chopsticks

Your suggestions in Comments.  Bonus points if you actually got  one of them this Christmas.

5 Worst Men

…to have in the room with you after you’ve just had stomach surgery, and it hurts like hell to laugh:

  • Billy Connolly (“Och laddie, yer stomach looks like just another Saturday night in Glasgow.”)
  • Craig Ferguson (“If you were a woman after a C-section, you’d have to get up and wipe the baby’s shitty arse because it’s Match Of The Day on TV and your hubby’s AWOL at the pub.”)
  • Richard Pryor (“You think stitches  hurt?  Try settin’ yo’self on fire, honkie.”)
  • Robin Williams (“Stomach surgery is God saying to you, ‘Here, try a little cocaine.’ “)
  • Bill Burr (“Look, I’m not saying what you have isn’t terrible — but ever had your girlfriend’s broken acrylic nail wedged in your hemorrhoids?”)

Your nominations in Comments.