5 Worst Drunken Regrets

When you wake up with a crippling hangover, and discover the consequences of the previous night’s carousing.  Ranked in order of ascending horror:

  • a wedding ring on your finger, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez lying in bed next to you
  • the ashes of your passport, in your Bucharest hotel room
  • Polaroid pictures of a naked you and the Ukrainian “escort” you met in the bar last night
  • an aching anus and a card with the inscription:  “Thanks for a wonderful evening — Brian Boitano”
  • ownership title documents for a Toyota Prius.

Your suggestions (may be personal or hypothetical) in Comments.

5 Worst RealDoll Models Ever

Ranked in order, from “of very limited appeal” to “you’ve got to be fucking kidding“.  First, for men (all with the vocal function enabled):

  • the “Andrea Dworkin” (retro model)
  • the “Joy Behar”
  • the “Gender Studies Professor”
  • the “Hillary Clinton”
  • the “Taylor Swift”

And for the ladies:

  • the “Brad Pitt” sorry I meant   “Dog The Bounty Hunter”
  • the “Jack Whitehall”
  • the “Jerrold Nadler”
  • the “Harvey Weinstein”
  • the “Piers Morgan”

5 Worst Headlines Never Seen Before Now

…a.k.a.  “Apocalypse Soon”, and ranked towards the ultimate in creepy awfulness:

  • 60-year-old man comes out as gay, declares his love for daughter’s ex-husband;
  • Influencer, 35, marries her 20-year-old stepson after divorcing his father;
  • “My son cut me off completely after I had amazing sex with his teenage pal”;
  • Woman files for divorce after marrying herself two years earlier;  and
  • Wife cuts off unfaithful husband’s penis, feeds it to dog.

Now, to add to the unspeakable dreadfulness that is Our Brave New World:  only one of the above is fictitious.

Your guess in Comments as to which.  Only one per Reader.

5 Worst Current Headlines

In ascending order of awfulness:

  • Yellowstone Caldera To Erupt At Noon Eastern
  • Biden Already Planning 2024 Reelection Campaign
  • Most People Fleeing New York Plan To Settle In Texas
  • Kamala Harris-Willie Brown Sex Video Leaked On PornHub
  • Piers Morgan Applies For U.S. Citizenship

Your suggestions in Comments — but they’d better be worse than all the above.


5 Worst People In The News

…or, add this to the list of people I don’t want to see in the media, ever again, unless in an obituary.  The list isn’t ranked, for once, because I can’t decide which is actually the worst.

  • Mitt Romney, whose current disloyalty to his party makes me almost glad he lost to Obama
  • big-city Democrat mayors — no point in trying to rank them, they’re all equally dreadful
  • big-mouth Hollywood types (Alec Baldwin, Bette Midler, Alyssa Milano etc.)
  • Hillary Clinton;  you lost, you’re irrelevant and most people want you either dead or in prison orange
  • Johnny Depp and Amber Heard — you’re both as crazy as a sackful of cats tossed in a swimming pool, and if it were possible for both of you to lose, that’s how I’d vote.  Or I’d put the two of you in a weighted sack together and toss you into a swimming pool, come to think of it.