3 Worst Christmas Presents

Friday Feature, The Worst

…either to give, or to get.  First, the pricey ones:

  • One-way air ticket to New York City
  • Toyota Prius (with 50,000 miles on the clock)
  • Free weekend at the downtown Seattle Holiday Inn

Next, the “Well-Meaning But Still Crap” ones:

  • Gas station pocket knife
  • Cheap Chinese-made car tool set
  • Box of corrosive Warsaw Pact-era mil-surp rifle ammo

Then the cheap-ass ones:

  • $5 gift card for Domino’s Pizza
  • scented candle
  • coffee mug with some shit like “World’s Best [whatever]” printed on it

Your suggestions in Comments.

14 comments

  1. Something that may be pricey far beyond what the giver had to pay for it is Jeremy Clarkson’s favorite bad thing, “Gas Station Sushi.” The term might be “Puking above one’s weight.”

  2. “Box of corrosive Warsaw Pact-era mil-surp rifle ammo”

    I am of two minds on this.. yes, I have a whole ammo can of old 7.62X54R moldering away.. hate to shoot it cause I have to basically decontaminate and sterilize my Mosin afterwards. But, I love the big boom and the huge cloud of smoke! Modern ammo just doesn’t have the same effervescence.

    That being said, I used my fear of that ammo as justification (in my mind) to buy a backup Mosin just in case I somehow trashed my old reliable. You can never be too careful!

  3. 3 Worst Christmas Presents

    1 – Pre-owned (not used, they are previously enjoyed) porn mags, with Rosie O’Donnell and Rachel Maddow centerfolds.

    2 – A Tesla that was previously owned by Edward Snowden that was purchased in a surplus auction run by the CIA.

    3 – A gift card to a Los Angeles plastic surgeon for sex change surgery.
    (The same one that Bruce Jenner visited).

  4. Kim,

    Your going to need a shower or bath after enjoying any of the below gifts.

    “ One-way air ticket to New York City

    Toyota Prius (with 50,000 miles on the clock)

    Free weekend at the downtown Seattle Holiday Inn”

  5. A ticket to Lagos, Nigeria.
    Three days, two nights in a hotel there.
    Sushi from a Lagos gas station.
    Second Prize:
    Seven days, seven nights in a Lagos hotel.
    Lagos gas station sushi shipped to your house in USA.

  7. My aunt used to give everyone, every year, a bottle of bath soap from the store brand of a discount supermarket.
    If you were lucky you didn’t also get the can of deodorant from the same brand.

  8. Commenting on your list:
    – A one-way ticket to NYFC from my house in NJ, would have to involve a helicopter, so there’s that, and would undoubtedly involve supper at my favourite restaurant in the city. Not a bad deal, even though I’d have to return home from Port Authority.

    – The Prius: Sell it to a self-righteous commie (redundancy alert) for about a tidy $20,000 profit.

    – Downtown Seattle: Ummmmm. no. However, if accompanied by several armed goons to guard my Jeep while I stayed barricaded in the hotel for the required weekend, it would be a great jumping-off point to explore the trails in the Pacific Northwest, which is something on my bucket list.

    – Gas station pocket knife: Better than nothing if you can’t find your good’n. I was given exactly that by a friend and other than the fact it takes Hercules himself to free the blade it’s a nice little knife. Blade has a keen edge, the knife has a corkscrew, Philipps and flat screwdriver, bottle opener and can opener. Always lives in by bugout bag.

    – Cheap Chinese-made car tool set: One of those exact things saved my ass on a trail in my Jeep. Zero complaints in that department.

    – Box of corrosive Warsaw Pact-era mil-surp rifle ammo: No.

    – $5 gift card for Domino’s Pizza: re-gift to a raffle for some underprivileged kids

    – scented candle: Might be of use in the loo after burrito night.

    – coffee mug with some shit like “World’s Best [whatever]” printed on it: Cherish it, since the one giving it sees me as the world’s best [whatever], or at the very least an above-average whatever-er, and frankly that would mean more to me than some other useless trinket.

  9. Lottery tickets. I had a relative by marriage who gave Lottery tickets.

    “Here! I’m so addicted to gambling at bad odds that instead of buying you something I pounded some money down a rathole for you.”

  11. First Choice gift for somebody I truly despise:
    A new factory RecreateVehicle!
    Engineered by non-camping accountants!
    Interior design by drunk Romans, flush with their success at decorating a casino!
    Assembled by minimum-wage illegals! Staples into particle-board!
    Holes! In! The! Roof!!
    Ten-year old chinesium tires!
    Tin-foil frames!
    Months of camping in the repair-shop parking-lot for warranty work!
    Nifty-neato decals!
    .
    Second Choice gift for anybody named o’bama:
    A used factory RecreateVehicle!
    With factory-installed life-threatening mold from leaking Holes! In! The! Roof!!
    And deluxe springy spongy floors!
    And a heart-felt ‘best wishes’ on plugging the plumbing leaks!
    Or getting the appliances to function as advertised in the brochure!
    Truly a shame about the faded peeling decals!
    .
    .
    An aside:
    2003, after a devastating diagnosis, we built our ExpeditionVehicle on a 1996 Ford CF8000 commercial truck.
    Over two decades full-time live-aboard.
    .
    On our preferred rough logger tracks to remote mountain lakes — and across trackless deserts to isolated Baja beaches — a factory RecreateVehicle would crumble to dust.
    .
    And none of our caravan chums have factory RecreateVehicles.

  12. One bad present would be Hillary Clinton reading any of her books on an audio book format. worse would be it loaded onto an iPod or phone or something that automatically synchronizes when you get into your car.

    JQ

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