Tag: Humor

Stuff that makes me laugh

News Roundup

Bad News

All the news that’s fit to mock:


…I was going to say something about Commie governments always giving it to you in the ass, but then I remembered that I have an appointment with my tax advisor next week.


…thirty grand for a seat?


…the actual headline has been edited for clarity.


…asshole killed over six dozen people, and he’s up for parole?


…oh, that climate change:  is there anything it can’t do?


…you whiners wanted equality, you got it.  Sucks, dunnit?


…given how all corporations are so woke these days, it won’t change a thing.

From the Dept. of Covidiocy:

Dispatches from the Homo Wars:


…their property, theirs to decide how to dispose of it.  Imagine doing the same with Muslims…


…Caitlyn Jenner and Eddie Izzard were unavailable for comment.


…clearly, some people are unaware of the meaning of the term “the late”.

And now, INSIGNIFICA:
    (no problem, toots) 


…live by the mamba, die by the mamba.


…always call ahead [sic].

And speaking of sex-crazed parents, here’s self-confessed sex maniac Amanda Holden (50):

 

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I met this really cute girl and we started dating.  She’d told me on our first date that she was a vegan, but I forgot all about that because she was so fine.
“Anyway, all was well until one night I complained to her about her cooking — there was something definitely ‘off’ about her spaghetti meat sauce, it tasted slightly rotten.
“I was absolutely knocked off my feet when she confessed that it wasn’t meat at all —  she’d used a vegetarian substitute.
“To make things worse, she also confessed that from the day she’d first starting cooking our meals, she’d always used vegan substitutes.  (I had noticed that I’d constantly been feeling tired of late, but I put it down to the sex we’d been having.)
“I told her that I didn’t want to see her again until she apologized for being so deceptive, but all my friends say I’m being childish.
“Am I?” — Betrayed,  Brisbane

Dear Betrayed:
You’re not being childish, but you are being stupid.  Your first mistake was not running for the exit when she told you she was a vegan.  There is no greater indicator of female insanity than veganism, except maybe being a global warming hysteric, but I should point out that the two conditions have a large overlap on the Venn diagram.
Your second mistake is that you’re prepared to see her again as long as she apologizes for her deceit.  Are you fucking crazy?  Don’t you realize that this tart will never stop trying to change you into joining her stupid religion?  (And by the way, if she’ll deceive you over a simple thing like food, she’ll be equally deceptive over everything else — connect the dots.)
Toss her overboard.
Now for the future, I should pass on some excellent advice from my good friend Patterson, who always buys a woman a rare steak as a vegetarian/vegan filter on their first date.  Go, and do thou the same.

 

News Roundup

Bad News

All the news that’s fit to mock.


…violence against men, however, is quite socially acceptable.


…having raised toddlers myself, I want to hear Mom’s side of the story first before passing judgment.

Train Smash Update:


…and the hits just keep on coming.


…suggested new name:  West Washington Huns.


…hey, look on the bright side:  he could have been watching CNN.


…Great Midas’s bleeding hemorrhoids, they’re not competent at anything, let alone spending money.


…women only hate getting a “facial” for the delivery process.


…they’re refusing to lose their income stream from selling permits.


…me, too.  Overwrought, pretentious and cheesy, and let’s not even talk about the music.

From the Dept. of Covidiocy:


…I must admit that after hearing it several times a day, “Why is Walt Disney World so fucking expensive?” must get quite tiresome.

And now comes the time for INSIGNIFICA:

 

I’ve just figured out a retirement plan:  run for TexGov as a centrist Democrat, raise millions, and when I lose bigly, retire to a farm somewhere in the boonies to live off the remainder of my campaign funds.

Time for the mandatory street totty pics: