Tag: Humor

Stuff that makes me laugh

News Roundup

Bad News


Speaking of rancid, malodorous women, here’s a prime example:


...because of course she would, the Commie bitch.  More from the Commies:


...which is no doubt why he married Michelle, or “Mike” (as she used to be known).

And still more from the Commies:


...demonstrating yet again why they should be pushed out of helicopters at 10,000 ft.

From the Dept. of Cultural Assimilation:


...perhaps if this MexPres did more to stop these assholes from trying to swim over… but then again, he’s just trying to get rid of this scum:


...and did they shoot any of them dead?  No.  Are we disappointed?  Yes.


...which seems to be the answer.  The police don’t agree, but they’re wrong.

In related Lawn Ordure News:


...because that might actually stop some of the riots, and they’d lose all that overtime pay.

In Medical News:


…

More Health News:


...serves them right for a) being triathletes and b) doing it in Sunderland.

Which leads to more Sports News:


…

And a slightly different kind of sport:


...some would say we need more Christians like this.  I report, you decide.

Still talking about an alternative sport:


...and the solution:

(see here for the background)

And now from the link-free INSIGNIFICA files:

  ...just get married.  That’ll end it.

And in one last piece of sorta-sporting news:


...oooh, mommy:

And doing her best Barbie impression:

A good way to end the news.

Not Australia This Time

Guy Stuff

…but in Austria:

An Austrian supermarket was evacuated after the store manager reportedly spotted a banana-loving spider capable of causing permanent erections in men.

The Penny shop in Krems an der Donau, 45 miles west of Vienna, remains closed since Tuesday over fears of the four-inch black and red spider.

Emergency services were called and warn the spider, still at large, may have been a highly venomous Brazilian Wandering Spider, known to reach Europe by hiding in bunches of bananas.

The creature is one of the planet’s most venomous spiders, and bites can be fatal after causing hypothermia, blurred vision, convulsions and, in some cases, erections. The spider’s venom is even being studied for use in erectile dysfunction treatments after it was found that a bite from one of the spiders can give male victims a painful four-hour erection.

Speaking as someone who as a young teenager suffered from an almost-permanent condition like this — thank you, Adolescent Hormone Flood* — this is actually no laughing matter.

So quit giggling, you maniacs.

Is there any good to be had from Third World countries other than as a place for massive and sustained nuclear ordnance testing, I ask myself?

Probably not;  but then the same goes for Australia.

*Anecdote time:  back in boarding school, one guy (no names, just in case) actually had a massive and sustained erection — so much so that after nearly a day of torment he went to see the school nurse.  She smacked it on the tip with a metal spoon — yes, I know — whereupon he emitted a truly splendid and seemingly-endless ejaculation all over her and himself.  That wasn’t the expected nor desired result, of course, but at least his woody subsided.  When later asked by someone whether he couldn’t have just had a wank to achieve the same end, his reply was immortal:  “What, in the fucking biology lab?”

Quote Of The Day

Bad News, QOTD

Seen in some newspaper article or other Somewhere On Teh Intarwebz (SOTI):

…a.k.a. the “You Don’t Say!” department.

That said, I once made a used-car salesman so angry that he challenged me to a fight outside the showroom.  Connie just looked at him, then looked at me and said:  “Just don’t kill him, okay?”

Challenge was withdrawn.

Meanwhile In Texas

Funny Stuff

Here we go:

A Texas woman was left with brutal injuries after she was viciously attacked by both a snake and a hawk while mowing her lawn. 

Peggy Jones told how she’d been on a tractor mower when the snake fell out of the sky and landed on her at her home in Silsbee.

As it began to tighten around her arm, a hawk then swooped down, and began clawing at a defenseless Jones in an effort to grab its prey.

Beat THAT, Australia.

News Roundup

Bad News


And speaking of quickies:


...candidate for “Most Misleading Headline Of The Year” competition.


...pick and cut?  What happened to flaying and impalement?  Oh wait… those watermelons. My bad.

Some Political News:


…


...a simple glance at past Soviet leaders would emphasize that Commies never give up power voluntarily:  they have to die.


…

In International Monetary News:


...three words guaranteed to cause mocking laughter:  Euro bailout fund.  And speaking of money:


...wait:  cash-sniffing dogs?  What new totalitarian hell is this?

From the Great Cultural Assimilation Experiment:


…I prefer the old-fashioned term “concentration camp”, myself.


...as opposed to “un-sinister” sex attacks on women?

From the True Crime Dept.:


...I know that criminals are seldom PhD candidates, but… seriously?

In the Woke Chronicles:


...am I the only one getting an ever-larger Schadenböner out of this sorry tale?

Never mind;  this next one will cause all boners to wilt like two-week-old lettuce.


...fat, stupid and pervy is no way to go through life, son.

And now it’s time for INSIGNIFICA (and you’ll be SO glad there are no links):

      …who they, again?

Finally:


...it’s been a while since we looked at the former newsreader and now Hottest Conservative Babe On The Planet, so here we go:

Is there a better way to end the news than with a pic of Tomi in denim shorts?  I think not.