Driving Fun

I have frequently referred to Jeremy Clarkson as the Greatest Living Englishman, because he is.  Not only is he unrepentantly un-PC, he’s wonderfully talented as both a writer and a TV presenter.

The fact that he and I agree on practically everything — about cars, politics, social life and society, whatever — doesn’t hurt, either.

So sit back and enjoy a partial retrospective of his 30 years’ work as a car reviewer for the Sunday Times.  And just to whet your appetite, here’s a little excerpt from one:

Many years ago I refused to road-test the Vectra on Top Gear, arguing that if Vauxhall couldn’t be bothered to make the car interesting in any way whatsoever, I couldn’t be bothered to drive it.

To understand just how dull this car was, you need to visualise a chartered accountant in a tweed jacket with elbow patches, playing cricket, in a period drama by Jane Austen, in Belgium, while reading out details of the Enron scandal in a Birmingham accent.

This car was Mogadon in metal, hypnotherapy with a hatchback. Driving it was as interesting as listening to the details of someone else’s dream, and thinking about it had exactly the same effect on your neck muscles as that moment at school when the master dimmed the lights and said: “First slide, please …” You immediately nodded off.

They said, remember, it was a car for the new millennium. And how far did it get? Well, it’s only 2002 but already it’s gone.

I can’t stop with just one.

I have read hundreds of surveys in women’s magazines about what women look for in a man and usually it’s a sense of humour or nice eyes. Not once have I ever heard a girl say that what she wants, more than anything, from a man is an ability to do power slides.

It needs to be explained to Gary that, when he’s doing 100mph round the bypass, with jungle noises bouncing the doors off their hinges, his girlfriend is not sitting there thinking, “Gosh. This man’s car control is exemplary and I hope that later he will perform similar miracles with me.”

She is thinking: “Bleedin’ Ada. We’re going to crash and I wish this plonker would slow down.” But of course she can’t say that because then she’d find herself at the side of the road, in the rain.

We need the people who did those amazing Australian “If you drink and drive, you’re a bloody idiot” adverts to pick up the baton on this one. And I think I have the tag line already. “A smooth ride: if you give her one, she might let you give her one.”

Brilliant.  Like I said:  the Greatest Living Englishman.  Here’s his smooth ride.

7 comments

  1. Never watched the Top Gear show but upon your recommend we have been watching the Farm show and enjoying it. We’re into the 2nd season now. He has a HUGE Lamborghini tractor! I find him a pleasant and reasoned person and I believe I could get along with him. Maybe it’s just for the show, but I find his wife/girlfriend (Lisa?) a little outspoken and bitchy – but aren’t they all?

  2. Clarkson’s review of a green Ford Fiesta, which included a car chase through a shopping mall and driving the vehicle off a landing craft in a Royal Marine amphibious exercise, is one of the greatest bits of television ever done. Right up there with the WKRP’s Pinedale Mall being bombed by turkeys episode.

    And all because the BBC wanted Clarkson to review an “affordable, ‘green’ car.” Just bloody brilliant.

  3. Clarkson should be declared a World Heritage site for his contributions to humanity.

    Too many laughs from TG and TGT to count, Clarkson’s farm is great, and he writes an amazing article.

    He’s one of the few “personalities” out there who I love.

  4. Before London Times put up a paywall, I’d read his pieces every week. Hell, I’d still pay, but not what they wanted for an online only subscription.

    I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. There was a scandal where a newslady (I think) was being accused of an affair with him, and she poo pooed it. He then wrote about it from the bent of ‘why couldn’t that happen?’. Just because I have teeth the color of plywood gave me a belly laugh.

    But by far, the article he did on smoking had me rolling. It was being a smoker in today’s uptight world. ‘
    “Your at a drinks party, and you ask the hostess if you can smoke, because we’re British. And she huffs ‘if you must…’ and makes a scene looking for the crystal ashtray they got as a wedding present. You stand in the corner smoking while others look at you as if you are masterbating…”

    I use his lines all the time – “how hard can it be?” and “it’s as ugly as an inside out monkey”

  5. I was turned off by him the first time I saw a video of him doing (what I thought) an anti-American rant.

    I watched a few episodes of Top Gear and realized he didn’t hate Americans, he disdained all wogs.

    I can relate to that.

    And of course, there is the debt of gratitude we owe him for punching out Piers Morgan.

  6. Jeremy Clarkson also does historically based ‘stuff’. His documentary ‘For Valour’ on the Victoria Cross is really great tv in the best documentary style of the BBC, to which he adds his own style, and very interesting bits of history, including the fact that the father of his first wife had won a VC at Arnhem. And in typical British understatement, had never mentioned that fact to his daughter. Must see TV.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bl6j7I8FWT4

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