Tag: Humor

Stuff that makes me laugh

News Roundup

Bad News

Sponsored by these guys:

So off we go, cutting through the layers:


...sheesh, when even the Muzzies say stuff that we can all agree with...


...[insert “siesta” and “refried beans” Mexican jokes here]


...I hope it’s a lot more than what they should have spent to update their 1990s software, and that the shareholders bring out the guillotines.


...yeah, when the Russians come to play on your doorstep, it’s no time to fuck around feeding woke feminist fantasies.

From the Plague & Pox Dept.:


...this won’t take long:  you get flu-like symptoms for a few days, feel like shit, and then you gradually get better.  If you’re older, you could suffer worse — also like the flu.


...are these super rodents immune to .22 bullets?  No?  Then there’s nothing to worry about — oh wait, it’s Britain.  Everybody panic.


...drought and war are more-or-less acceptable reasons for high food prices;  Biden’s moronic economic policies?  Not.


...LOL when even Teh Meskin Commies show more common sense than the governments of New York, Illinois and California…


...okay, now that’s funny right there.


...I do believe I’ve now heard everything.

And from link-free INSIGNIFICA:

          ...I can’t even.

And:


…I report, you decide;  although I should point out that she’s a decade younger than Carol Vorderman.

Okay, you can wheel me back to my room now, and gimme some of that Viagra stuff while you’re at it.

“Dear Dr. Kim”

Advice

“Dear Dr. Kim:

“My wife is 46 and I’m 48. We weren’t getting on and she was distracted, always on her phone, messaging someone. But when I managed to peek at her phone, all messages had been deleted — a tell-tale sign if ever there was one.

“I asked her if everything was OK between us, and she swore it was. She even made a special effort that weekend — cooking my favourite dinner and coming on to me for sex.
Still not convinced, I decided to hire a PI to follow her when she went to work. Within a week, he’d taken pictures of her meeting a man at a hotel — and checking into the same room.

“She had been blatantly lying to my face. Furious, I confronted her and said our marriage was over.

“In 24 hours I found a flat, moved out all my stuff and contacted a solicitor about divorce.

“But now, I’m starting to feel that I shouldn’t have gone.

“I’m the innocent, blameless party here, sitting alone in an ugly flat, with cheap furniture and a suitcase of my clothes. She’s the cheat who destroyed our marriage.

“Yet she gets to be in our beautiful, warm home with all the things we bought together over the years. Plus, I’m still paying half the mortgage on the house and will be until the divorce is sorted. It seems terribly unfair.

“And I know I’m far from the only man this has happened to. Why is it always the man who moves out?”

— Lost Everything

Dear Lost:

Your mistake was a rookie one.  You never give up the house.

What you should have done is what scorned women often do in the same situation:  while she was at work, emptied the house of all her stuff (including the ugly shit she’d acquired at antique stores etc. and which you hate) and either tossed it on the front lawn or (if you’re a nice guy) had it all stored it in one of those storage places — locked with a stout padlock to which you had the key.  Next step:  called a locksmith and had all the house’s locks changed.

Then when Cheating Lying Bitch came home and discovered that she’d been locked out, you could confront her with the evidence that she’d been unfaithful, the consequence of which was that you’d assumed ownership of the house.  And only then given her the key to the storage space, with instructions to call your attorney for details.

Let her be the one sitting alone in an ugly flat, with cheap furniture and a suitcase of her clothes.

And you’d have to be prepared to sell the house to give her half the proceeds (because she’s been contributing to paying off the note).

Never give up the house;  not in argument, nor when you can’t bear the thought of living with the woman anymore.  Never give up the house.

Do you want me to repeat that one more time?

News Roundup

Bad News

Sponsored by*:

And on we go, cutting away the fat from the news.


...history buffs will note the parallels with the Soviet-era KGB.  And similarly:


...just another way the totalitarian state forces people to comply.


...not climate change?  I’m amazed.  I mean:


...see? 


...note the weasel word “could”.  In any event, let’s not be too ambitious, and start small with, say, “Dry January Mondays“.  Or not even that (my preference).


...I believe I once wrote an essay on this very topic… twenty years ago.


…what happens when you open cheap air travel to the masses.


...key word:  Manchester.  See above.


…amazingly, not in Florida;  but unsurprisingly, in Portland OR.


...I would have thought that her husband would be the subject matter expert when it came to global affairs (Jeffrey Epstein coff coff), but whatever.


...hey, some people are turned on by that kind of thing.

And in recent INSIGNIFICA:


...well, that’s a big claim, so let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

     

More evidence upon request.

*not really, but they’re one of my favorite knife makers, so why not?

Interesting

Politics

FYI, I thought I’d point out that in the event that the POTUS dies or is incapacitated, the line of succession is:

  1. Vice-President
  2. Speaker of the House of Representatives

Just sayin’.

Monday Funnies

Funny Stuff

Ah yes, Monday has arrived…

So let’s get on with fixing the train wreck.


I think I dated her sister in college… and speaking of dates:

And some Christmas leftovers, “Bad Elf” division:

Finally, here’s Charlotte McSkinny (who is not an elf) and her legs:

Admit it:  you never got that far down, did you?

Get on with yer week, ya pervs.

News Roundup

Bad News

Sponsored by:

Speaking of two fingers:

 

From the Department Of Here We Fucking Go Again:

 

…while in the Fourth Reich:


...wait, you mean all that lockdown shit didn’t work?

Back to some good news, for a change:


...which will be reported by mainstream media in:  10,000… 9,999… 9,998…


...don’t care who or what you are;  you kill someone, Missouri will kill you right back.  As it should be.


...wish we’d done that to the fucking Californians.


...as the NYFT slides deeper and deeper into delusion and irrelevance.


…


…wait… this was in California?

And of course, would any news roundup be complete without a Republican circular firing squad?


...that said, I’m not comfortable with a California Republican in a power seat — the last time we had that, Richard Nixon gave us the Environmental Protection Agency, by executive order.

From the INSIGNIFICA files:

   

And finally, for something a little different:


...no, I don’t know who she is either, some Brit actress I think, but let me introduce her to y’all: 


And if that isn’t somewhat better news than we’ve been seeing… well, I give up.