And off we go, trying to alleviate the horror…
And speaking of Eve and her descendants:
Little strong? Okay, maybe something still old-fashioned, but a little less Biblical…
And away you go, into the rest of the week.
Tag: Humor
Stuff that makes me laugh
News Roundup
Speaking of things which leave a bad taste in yer mouth:
...seeing as fuck-all happened to him after the first two, I’ll take “Same again” for $400, Alex.
Speaking of non-binaries, lesbians and the like:
...doesn’t get much worse than being thrashed by a bunch of old Welshmen, does it?
...just wait till some smart guy makes AI work in a RealDoll: it’ll be all over for Teh Grrrrlz. And speaking of isolation dreams:
...wait, I thought that during Covidiocy, people couldn’t… oh, never mind.
And more from the Dept. of Public Fearmongering:
...wait: tuberculosis? [yawwwwwwwwwwwwwn] Also keyword: South Africa.
And from the Dept. Of Education Child Abuse:
…hey, it’s the King James Bible, a veritable orgy fountain of violence, vulgarity and impure thought.
...well, it isn’t. Not among ordinary Texans, anyway. Among perv teachers and anarchists, however...
From the Act Your Fucking Age Department:
...so much for his expensive elder-care insurance policy.
...I’m sure some gold-digging whore special someone will overlook his creepy Scientology beliefs and three failed marriages, and will declare the billionaire dwarf to be the Man Of Her Dreams.
And in the Lawn Order Files:
...”But Kim, he’s just a little old man!” Use a little old rope.
...and here I thought it was just their secret hot dog salt. Now I have to find another takeout place.
...”Where can I send this list of Jeffrey Epstein’s clients?”
And speaking of outtakes, here’s yet more (link-free) INSIGNIFICA:
Finally, after a lengthy absence, our Paige Three Report returns:
...and is there a better combination?
And that’s it for the nooooz.
Caption Competition #283
Your suggestions in Comments.
“Dear Dr. Kim”
“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I met this rather hunky-looking guy online, and after a two-week flirtation, I agreed to go away with him to a romantic island destination.
“Well, the romantic holiday was anything but. No sooner had we got to the beach and gone for a swim when he ripped off my sexy bikini and raped me, right there in the sea as we were swimming together.
“So I asked him to take me back to my hotel room — where he tried to rape me again. Fortunately, I managed to escape from him, and called the police. He’s been charged with rape and now faces prison time.
“What should I do, going forward”
Dear Abused Idiot,
I know you’re only twenty years old, and perhaps you think that this should excuse your stupidity and naïveté. However, all 20-year-olds seem to think they know everything about everything, when in fact they know nothing about anything — even, it seems, when it comes to online dating, an activity with which they’ve supposedly been familiar since pre-adolescence.
So my first piece of advice is to burn your voter’s ID because you are too stupid to be allowed to vote. Add your driver’s license to the bonfire, for the same reason, and maybe your bus pass too, just to be on the safe side. (I’d suggest your phone too, but I don’t think the NHS covers the surgery needed to remove it from your hand.)
Just in case you haven’t got the picture by now, let me outline the parts where you went hopelessly wrong.
- Online relationships are often not what they seem to be.
- Two weeks’ online chat does not make a relationship — at least, not one where you should leave home and meet up in a totally strange place, by yourself.
- Young Albanian men do not make the best boyfriends. Feel free to go online and look up for “Balkan gangsters”, if you don’t believe me. I also should point out that for most Albanian men, killing someone for a seemingly-trivial reason is not an unknown event. Calling the cops on them isn’t trivial.
- The island of Rhodes is indeed a romantic place for a rendezvous. However, entrusting your wellbeing to the Greek police is not a safe bet — even though you lucked out on this occasion.
I would suggest that you confine your romantic searches to your own city, except that you live in the U.K. which, according to most news reports, seems to be populated with Albanian gangsters and rapists/murderers in general, some not even wearing police uniforms.
My final piece of advice, therefore, is to emigrate to a Scandinavian country — but just avoid dating young immigrant Arab men there because they basically taught the Albanians all they know. The soft blonde native Scandi men are a much safer bet.
— 
News Roundup
And in other fake claims:
...and yes, we should — except that herring and mackerel taste foul and only Scandis eat them.
...you mean like I do every day of the week?
...to avoid being Epsteined, no doubt. Although she needs to keep her mouth shut about her new home, lest she be Putined.
From the Dept. of Education:
...key word: Manchester a.k.a. Boston North.
...didn’t we already deal with this back in the mid 2010s? No? Then nothing’s going to happen to these GLSEN assholes now, either.
In Immigration News:
...you fucking voted for him, you deal with him.
And South of the Border:
...seems a little extreme, although if said journalist were e.g. Nicholas Kristof or George Monbiot, I might reserve judgment.
...you don’t say.
...I warned them to stop those fucking spam calls.
In Health News, some more alarmist stuff:
...but you’ll die thinner, so there’s that.
And for our dose of Extreme Insignifica, with no links (you may thank me later):
...oh go on, I dare you, you fat fuck.
Finally:
...let’s examine the evidence:
And that’s all the news worth looking at.
Monday Funnies
So on we go:
Too soon, perhaps? Ah well, a little retrospective, then:
Simply the best.