Monday Funnies

Today’s Monday Lament is on behalf of all my long-suffering Lady Readers, who have somehow stuck with me over the years despite an appalling lack of female-oriented, not to say actually misogynistic content on this, my back porch.

So here we go, ladies:

 

And something that may help my Lady Readers’ week to begin on a better note:

…and if in today’s Funnies I’ve missed the mark horribly… well, waddya expect?  My entire life has been one long series of catastrophes caused by not knowing how a woman’s mind works.

I love you all, anyway.

News Roundup

…back when women didn’t need “HR” to fix their problems.  And in similar vein:


...lest federal agents become exposed to lead poisoning?  Asking for a friend.

And in more Biden Administration News:


...and why not?  He already appointed Pete Buttplug as TransportSec, and look how well that turned out.


...here’s how it works, the way most people see it: if there was “negligence”, it came from not seeing Epstein’s killers going into his cell; and if it was “misconduct”, it was holding his cell door open for them.

In Foreign Bad News:


...and a nation rejoices:

Still in Britishland:


In Groomer News:


...perhaps another reason why Biden wants to ban lead bullets.  Just thinking aloud here, Boss.


...can you say “death spiral”, children?  I knew you could.  And:


...this is known as “lemming marketing”, FYI.


...I have an inclusive term for magazines like this one, but let’s not make Homeland Security any more nervous than they already are.

Ah yes, Africa Wins Again:


...and that was before he could get to South Africa.

Now some Global Cooling Climate Warming Change news:


...alternative title:  Sweden Comes To Its Senses.  Unlike the next lot:


...having solved all their crime, homeless and public health problems, NYC goes to the next urgent issue.


...yeah, but Over Here we have Amy Schumer, Kathy Griffin and Nancy Pelosi already, so we’re kinda used to the problem.


...Goop, the Early Years.

And in the much-loved INSIGNIFICA department:

Finally, some ShowBiz News:


…and for my Murkin Readers who are not familiar with this Brit ladypopstar:

…and here she was at the aforementioned Glastonbury:

Not a bad way to end the news, really.

Glueball Wormening Alert

Yes, yes, I know… but now it’s getting serious:

Weird creatures flocking to Brit beaches as UK looks ‘more like the Med’

Or maybe it’s an influx of Russian sunbathers, such as the Midi is experiencing:

It’s an easy mistake to make.

You’ll have to follow the link to find out what the creatures actually look like — but by comparison, they’re not too bad.

Euphemistically Speaking

Whenever I see a euphemism, it sets my teeth on edge — probably because as a plain speaker, I try to follow the late Roger Moore’s dictum that the essence of communication is to express your thoughts as clearly and succinctly as possible.

Here’s one that made me chuckle, however:

…you mean “sucked into”, of course.  “Ingested” means taken or introduced into the mouth — one ingests the milk from a glass, or the medicine from a teaspoon, etc.  Also, “ingest” is largely a transitive verb, in that it requires an agent to perform the action — turning it into the passive voice, as here, actually implies no agency — except that as we all know, jet engines “ingest” air in order to propel the aircraft body.

But the writer of the above wanted to try to avoid using the graphic word “suck”, and so resorted to a woolly euphemism.

This is not a hanging offense, of course, but a simple ball-kicking should suffice.

News Roundup

And speaking of guns:


...or it might be time for Tulsa to trade this asshole for someone who actually supports the Second Amendment.

In Pervo/Groomer News:


...and why are we just not surprised by this?


...Idaho?  These sick fucks are everywhere.

But finally, a voice of reason rings out:


...and so say all of us.

RAAYYYYYCISM ALERT:


...in which we play Guess The Professor’s Race — and for a bonus, its sexual inclination.

In Entertainment [sic] News:


...from Britishland, where politicians routinely interfere in places where they have no business.  Not that we have any room to talk, here in Murka.


...clearly not (see next item).


...is there any form of stupidity (e.g. Communism and now Global Cooling Climate Warming Change) that ol’ Hanoi Jane won’t support?

And from our International Desk:


...keyword:  Japan.


keyword:  Australia.


...may be the winner of the “Most Fucked-Up Headline Of 2023” competition — but it’s still only June, and Biden’s still in office.

And speaking of that, more (link-free) INSIGNIFICA:

 

...and knowing Gwynnie, it’s of her stanky love tunnel.


...who she?  We’ve seen her here on these pages before — and a reminder:

 

Oh yeah:  her.  And the “breathtaking” outfit:

A tasty end to the news, yes?