Tag: Humor

Stuff that makes me laugh

Health Issues Etc.

Health

Yesterday was time for my annual checkup, so after enduring the no-coffee / no-food “fast” for reasons of bloodwork, I settled in to have my chat with Dr. ShitForBrains.

Perhaps a little background is necessary.  I have had three primary doctors since the Great Wetback Episode of 1986 — or perhaps I should say that I’ve outlived two doctors, and am on my third.  (The first, in Chicago, died of leukemia;  the second, in Plano, died of a heart attack.)  Doctor #2 was nicknamed “Shit-for-brains” by the family because he was, to put it mildly, the world’s worst diagnostician.  No matter how much information we gave him, he’d get it wrong.  Lovely man, piss-poor doctor.  We were just about to get another doctor when he snuffed it, and we inherited Doctor #3 in the same practice, who is definitely not ShitForBrains, but the nickname (rather unfairly) has become generic, to distinguish him from the other doctors we’ve since acquired (dermos, heart specs, etc.).  We have an excellent relationship, truly fine, and he gets my sense of humor (as you will see).

Back to yesterday’s visit.  Here’s more or less how it went.

SFB:  All your vitals are good:  weight has dropped (by 40lbs!), BP is excellent, circulation fine, respiration excellent, thyroid fine.  When the bloodwork comes back, we’ll check the cholesterol and so on, but I don’t see any issues.  Had any problems since last time?

Kim:  I’ve just started having plantar fasciitus attacks in my right foot..  Came out of nowhere, very owie two days back, a little better today.

SFB:  [winces] Ouch!  Sorry to hear that.  I’ll give you a printout that’ll help, for exercises.

Kim:  Exercises?  I’m in pain, here.  Can’t you give me a quick pop of Lidocaine or something?

SFB:  Hahaha no.

Kim:  It’s a good thing I left my gun in the car, or else we’d be having a different conversation about Lidocaine.

SFB:  Kim, you know my policy about gun fights in my office.

Kim:  Wouldn’t be much of one;  you’re not carrying.

SFB:  No, but Christie is.  [nods towards his assistant, who gives me That Look]

You’d think I’d have remembered that, because ’twas I who taught her how to shoot and helped her buy her first gun, about eight years back  (S&W Lady Smith in .38 Spec+P — she’s since acquired a Kimber Ultra Carry in .45 ACP because she’s a big girl and can handle it).

Anyway, by then the pain had subsided somewhat, so after having had blood taken, I was on my merry way.

Good health:  I haz it.  (Apart from typical Olde Phartte issues and a sore foot.)

Not bad for… fucking hell, 69 on Sunday.

Time for another gin.

News Roundup

Bad News

…and in my case, the early morning sun.  Anyway, let’s see what the news had to offer us last week:


...let’s give the man the benefit of the doubt, here:  there are a couple hundred good reasons why someone would carry an AR-15 near the Capitol.

In Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© News:


...no reports from Minneapolis or Green Bay, though.

Now let’s look in at the Great Cultural Assimilation Project:


...joining the Scandi countries in this initiative.

A Technology Newsflash:


...betting is that the crushed guy was a lifelong Democrat voter, in which case the robot can be forgiven its confusion.

And still more technology, or rather, reversing technology:


...sadly, this is not the beginning of a trend.  I’ve seen the numbers (as a consultant to supermarket chains, remember) and the savings are just too great, in an industry which still runs on 1.75% net margins.

And now, in Wildlife News:


...no confirmation that her name was Mary.


...acting like Southside Chicagoans, in other words.  Still on bears:


...remember, kids:  shoot, shovel and shut up.  And for the “shoot” part, I can recommend the following (stainless because it’s kinda humid out there):
...the latter loaded with slugs, as extra-special anti-bear medicine. 

Time for a Glueball Jewhate update:


...yeah, guys:  that’s really sticking it to the Infidel.  You chumps.


...my suggestion:

In Travel News:


...yeah, I’ve flown coach on American too;  it’s no picnic.

And in the ever-uninteresting category known as INSIGNIFICA:

        ...for “star-studded”, read “well-worn vaginas”.
...killjoy.

And still on that note [sic], there’s Entertainment News:


...as long as it’s Kylie Minogue and not Lizzo.  Here’s the helium-voiced Kylie:

 

 

…and here’s Lizzo:

Read more

Well, Here We Are

Funny Stuff, Muzzies

Seems as though the horrible Washington Post has had to pull a cartoon for being, and I quote, “grossly mischaracterizing” and “blatantly mocking the crisis in the Middle East”.  Also, “The caricatures employ racial stereotypes that were offensive and disturbing. Depicting Arabs with exaggerated features and portraying women in derogatory, stereotypical roles perpetuates racism and gender bias, which is wholly unacceptable.”

So what’s all the fuss about?  If the Post can’t publish it, I sure as hell can:

So if Ramirez had made the spokesman look like Owen Wilson and the cowering woman was wearing a bikini, then everything would be okay?

And the terrorists do exactly what the cartoon shows:  hide behind women and children, then scream bloody murder when the women and children are harmed.

Feel free to explain to me exactly what is inaccurate in the above.

Oh and by the way, for those who are Perpetually Indignant, cartoons are supposed to shock and surprise people.

And fuck you.