So let’s begin the interview:
…and don’t think I’m not tempted. Anyway, let’s just consider the Moon:
And maybe a couple orbs:
Now climb into that thing and drive off.
Tag: Humor
Stuff that makes me laugh
Conspiracies
Seen at Kenny’s:
Not sure I go with that one, but its proposition may not be unjustified.
The question, however, is an interesting one.
On that scale, I’m at about a 2. But I’m willing to be challenged.
Here’s my point. The larger the alleged conspiracy, the less I’m likely to go for it. So most of the so-called “Global” conspiracies (World Economic Foundation, Jewish Banking, you name it) fall apart at the first hurdle because the larger the conspiracy, the more people involved, the less likely it is to be true.
- Is there a conspiracy among your coworkers to get you fired? — easily established and exposed.
- Did the CIA conspire to kill JFK? — no.
- Did Aristotle Onassis conspire to kill JFK? — maybe.
- …because he was in the thrall of the International Emerald Market? — definitely not.
- Are socialists conspiring to bring down the United States? — read the news and follow the dots; of course they are.
In the latter case, it might not be a planned conspiracy, in that there’s no secret Bilderburger / Comintern / whatever .org issuing commands to the various socialists; but that doesn’t mean they aren’t all working towards a common goal — which they are.
The other meme making the rounds runs along the lines of:
“Today’s conspiracy nuts will be seen by history as prophets.”
That, I might go along with. Unless the conspiracy is an obvious crock of shit. But as I said above, I’m willing to be challenged.
And by the way: any suggested conspiracy that includes those bastards at DeBeers Diamonds? I’ll believe it.
News Roundup
Let’s start off with some Medical News:
...should be jailed for giving out Plastic Fantastics instead of Colt 1911s, but I’m guessing that’s not the reason people are getting upset about this. More:
...didn’t know we had one.
Moving on to the Dept. of Education:
...statutorily raped, that is, as the lucky lad got his end into Teacher Dearest at least twice, apparently without complaint.
...see, now I can’t help thinking that if our Junior G-Man had been getting massively bonked by his home room teacher, he would have had neither the time nor the energy to get all shooty.
And in Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© News:
...because even in Sunny Seffrica, solar energy can’t deliver. [/Captain Obvious]
...remind me about that “snowfalls are a thing of the past”, again?
...who cares if Portugal is laid waste by mining, as long as California- and Islington liberals can ride around smugly in their little Duracell cars.
In Business News:
...and if you thought she made a lot of money from her music, wait till you see how she does with OnlyFans.
From the Crime Desk:
...keyword: Russia. Second keyword: 9mm Europellet.
And in LGBTOSTFU News:
...actually, Ms. Purple Hair, it proves the exact opposite: God does exist, and he hates you for being an amoral pervert.
From the Dept. of the Absurd:
...at this point, even Kafka would throw up his hands and admit defeat.
And in other INSIGNIFICA:
...call me old-fashioned, but “Woonsocket” is just a tad eccentric. Also too long.
Finally, in Hottie Showbiz News, Hurley Department:
...and yes, she even goes topless. 
I rather like her friend too, by the way.
#Threesome
And dat’s Da Nooz.
Caption Competition #306
Your suggestions in Comments.
Health Issues Etc.
Yesterday was time for my annual checkup, so after enduring the no-coffee / no-food “fast” for reasons of bloodwork, I settled in to have my chat with Dr. ShitForBrains.
Perhaps a little background is necessary. I have had three primary doctors since the Great Wetback Episode of 1986 — or perhaps I should say that I’ve outlived two doctors, and am on my third. (The first, in Chicago, died of leukemia; the second, in Plano, died of a heart attack.) Doctor #2 was nicknamed “Shit-for-brains” by the family because he was, to put it mildly, the world’s worst diagnostician. No matter how much information we gave him, he’d get it wrong. Lovely man, piss-poor doctor. We were just about to get another doctor when he snuffed it, and we inherited Doctor #3 in the same practice, who is definitely not ShitForBrains, but the nickname (rather unfairly) has become generic, to distinguish him from the other doctors we’ve since acquired (dermos, heart specs, etc.). We have an excellent relationship, truly fine, and he gets my sense of humor (as you will see).
Back to yesterday’s visit. Here’s more or less how it went.
SFB: All your vitals are good: weight has dropped (by 40lbs!), BP is excellent, circulation fine, respiration excellent, thyroid fine. When the bloodwork comes back, we’ll check the cholesterol and so on, but I don’t see any issues. Had any problems since last time?
Kim: I’ve just started having plantar fasciitus attacks in my right foot.. Came out of nowhere, very owie two days back, a little better today.
SFB: [winces] Ouch! Sorry to hear that. I’ll give you a printout that’ll help, for exercises.
Kim: Exercises? I’m in pain, here. Can’t you give me a quick pop of Lidocaine or something?
SFB: Hahaha no.
Kim: It’s a good thing I left my gun in the car, or else we’d be having a different conversation about Lidocaine.
SFB: Kim, you know my policy about gun fights in my office.
Kim: Wouldn’t be much of one; you’re not carrying.
SFB: No, but Christie is. [nods towards his assistant, who gives me That Look]
You’d think I’d have remembered that, because ’twas I who taught her how to shoot and helped her buy her first gun, about eight years back (S&W Lady Smith in .38 Spec+P — she’s since acquired a Kimber Ultra Carry in .45 ACP because she’s a big girl and can handle it).
Anyway, by then the pain had subsided somewhat, so after having had blood taken, I was on my merry way.
Good health: I haz it. (Apart from typical Olde Phartte issues and a sore foot.)
Not bad for… fucking hell, 69 on Sunday.
Time for another gin.
News Roundup
…and in my case, the early morning sun. Anyway, let’s see what the news had to offer us last week:
...let’s give the man the benefit of the doubt, here: there are a couple hundred good reasons why someone would carry an AR-15 near the Capitol.
In Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© News:
...no reports from Minneapolis or Green Bay, though.
Now let’s look in at the Great Cultural Assimilation Project:
...joining the Scandi countries in this initiative.
A Technology Newsflash:
...betting is that the crushed guy was a lifelong Democrat voter, in which case the robot can be forgiven its confusion.
And still more technology, or rather, reversing technology:
...sadly, this is not the beginning of a trend. I’ve seen the numbers (as a consultant to supermarket chains, remember) and the savings are just too great, in an industry which still runs on 1.75% net margins.
And now, in Wildlife News:
...no confirmation that her name was Mary.
...acting like Southside Chicagoans, in other words. Still on bears:
...remember, kids: shoot, shovel and shut up. And for the “shoot” part, I can recommend the following (stainless because it’s kinda humid out there):
...the latter loaded with slugs, as extra-special anti-bear medicine.
Time for a Glueball Jewhate update:
...yeah, guys: that’s really sticking it to the Infidel. You chumps.
...my suggestion:
In Travel News:
...yeah, I’ve flown coach on American too; it’s no picnic.
And in the ever-uninteresting category known as INSIGNIFICA:
...for “star-studded”, read “well-worn vaginas”.
...killjoy.
And still on that note [sic], there’s Entertainment News:
...as long as it’s Kylie Minogue and not Lizzo. Here’s the helium-voiced Kylie:
…and here’s Lizzo: