“Dear Dr. Kim:
“I recently won a large lottery, and now I’m being inundated with offers of sex from women. While this is very flattering and all, I’m starting to get sick of it. What can I do about the situation?”
— Oversexed, Rochdale UK
Dear Over,
Firstly, I have to chastise you for announcing that you’d won the lottery before you’d put your new stash into a super-secret trust fund, untouchable and unreachable to strangers.
Secondly: with tens of millions in the bank, you advertised for dates? I was going to ask if you’re fucking stupid, but there’s no need: you are. But anyway, that bullet has gone through the church and now all the little gold-diggers in the world have crawled out of their holes, wanting a piece of your action, so to speak.
Here’s what you should do. Call a news conference and tell them that you’re going to abstain from sex until your AIDS test has come back negative. Complain that the labs have put your test at the back of the queue because of all the coronavirus testing they have to do, so it’s gonna take a while. In the meantime, anyone wanting sex from you in the future needs to bring a recent STD test before you’ll even consider bonking them. (This isn’t a bad thing to do, anyway: most of the totties in your age group seem to have some kind of pox or other.)
Good luck. You’re going to need it. Oh, and any future consultation with me will carry a bill for a million bucks.
— Dr. Kim