Enough Already

Oh, happy happy joy joy.

JPMorgan Weighs Shifting Thousands of Jobs Out of New York Area

If the transplantees don’t want to leave their extended families in Noo Yawk, you folks at JPMorgan can just move them a little further down the BoWash corridor — like, say, to BaltimoreShould feel quite at home there, what with a Democrat government and all, and it’s only a short train ride back up the coast.

I think I can safely speak for all of us Texans down here in the DFW Metroplex:  we’re full of New Yorkers.

Instead of infesting filling the rest of America with your liberal asshole cosmopolitan employees, why not open up a new office in Los Angeles?  Gawd knows, they need an infusion of business in the Golden Shower State, and the transplanted Noo Yawkers will be quite at home with things like sky-high taxes, sky-high real estate prices, onerous licensing fees and feral anti-gun laws.  And the climate is better in SoCal than it is here.  Also, in Texas we have scorpions, snakes, poisonous spiders, scary-looking pickup trucks and sometimes, all of them combined:


Let’s not even talk about assault rifles, which can be bought just like candy, by grade-school kids at any corner-store 7-11:

The pastrami is lousy, and the bagels are made by Sarah Lee.  There was a vegan store around here someplace (Austin, maybe?) but it closed because they wouldn’t serve chicken-fried okra.  And people here think that “lox” is what y’all put on a truck’s toolbox.

And speaking of that kinda thing:  Ted Nugent has a ranch just south of here.

(As an aside, we Texans actually think ol’ Ted’s kinda soft when it comes to guns — I mean, he’s even on the board of the NRA, that bunch of compromising pussies.)

One last thought:  if you do send people down here, they’re gonna see an awful lot of these:

…all filled like this:

And when your folks converse with the locals, Question #3 will invariably be:  “And where do y’all go to church?”

Better have an answer.

Just sayin’.


  1. Kim,
    Bagels, lox, pastrami, etc. . . . all the good soul food . . . you need to venture to Houston and make Aliyah to Ziggy’s.

    1. If I want good bagels, I go to Fairmount or St-Viateur in Montreal. And for the NY/NJ pastrami snobs, we have Boar’s Head in the Kroger deli section.
      I’m more of a croissant person, anyway.
      Oh, and the only reason (outside friends) to visit Houston is the annual haj to Collectors Firearms.

  2. I never understood the people who left a place because it sucked, then tried to make their new place into the place they left.

    Six months ago today we closed on our home in PA, and six months ago tomorrow our furniture arrived. There’s been some culture shock in the move from NJ to PA, mostly in a good way.

    The good:
    I eliminated 4+ hours a day of commuting (I now work from home, my commute is a flight of stairs).

    My property taxes and POA fees COMBINED are less than I used to spend on commuting.

    The gun laws are TRULY sensible (meaning buy what you want, have fun with it, and use it legally or we WILL come down on you like the Wrath of God).

    The local volunteer ambulance unit held a gun raffle as a fund raiser, including at least one EEEEVIL AR-15 (which oddly failed to go on a rampage and fire 1,000 rounds in two seconds, killing everyone clear to the horizon).

    Plenty of produce (we have multiple actual farms stands within about 20 a minute drive).

    The barbecue, perogis and kielbasa are outstanding.

    We sold our NJ home, paid off what we owed on it, bought a PA home nearly twice the size, and had money leftover. Plus, we’re not paying $12K in property taxes anymore.

    The not-so-good:
    Everything is at least a 20 minute drive away.

    Good Italian bread and bagels are harder to find than the Loch Ness Monster in the middle of the Sahara desert (seriously, we’re thinking of starting to make our own, and whenever people visit us from NJ we ask them to bring bread).

    The pizza and Chinese food can best be described as “edible”.

    The day we moved in a saw the biggest spider I’ve ever seen outside of a zoo (mottled wolf spider).

    I tried scrapple (once described to me as all the parts of the pig not good enough to go into sausage). Meh.

    Some little inconveniences, like there’s no mail delivery to the houses (we have centrally located mailboxes that are a drive away) or garbage pick-up (we have a dump we bring trash and recycling to).

    All told, it’s a definite win.

    1. I had pretty much the same experience moving to KY. Amazon is making a fortune off me because nearly everything is 30 minutes away, and alas, there is no Wegmans. However, I have more house for half the taxes, and the gun laws are, not NY. In fact, we can now carry concealed with no permit required. I might get one just for reciprocity with neighboring states, after I retire and have some time.

      Why is it so difficult to find good bread? I won’t even try a bagel, because I can see that they are no good.

    2. The not-so-good:
      Everything is at least a 20 minute drive away.”

      That’s not a bug, it’s a feature.

      “The day we moved in a saw the biggest spider I’ve ever seen outside of a zoo (mottled wolf spider).”

      Hence the sensible gun laws.

  3. Fortunately, we have H.E.B.’s Central Market down here in Cuidad Tejas, which bakes outstanding (albeit spendy) bread every couple hours or so. Even Kroger does a good line of Portuguese-style bread rolls.
    I remember going for a job interview in Carlisle PA and being appalled at the lack of bakeries in the area.

  4. I’ve found ONE place that made pretty good bagels (it’s actually run by a couple guys from NYC). What most places call a bagel is really just a roll with a hole in the middle. I’ve yet to find any nice crusty Italian bread, it’s all soft and mushy.

    I wasn’t kidding at all about us making our own.

  5. I had to do a bit of research to find the location of that classic church. The building looked sort of familiar. It’s First Baptist in Amarillo. I’ve never been inside but I’ll bet that it has more tradition and class than the stainless steel and neon “worship center” in Dallas. Call me old fashioned for taking the hymn “Faith of Our Fathers” seriously.

    I was told a story by a friend of my wife. Friend’s brother was a very well off entrepreneur and he moved into one of the very high end neighborhoods around Dallas. Brother was getting unpacked and settling in one Saturday morning and he noticed a short older gentleman riding a bicycle up his driveway. The guy on the bike was followed by two hard cases in a white Suburban. Older gentleman introduces himself as Ross Perot and invites the brother to church. Only in Texas.

  6. Just don’t let them vote. Not now, not for at least five years. Not until they get their bearings.

    There was a REASON for residency requirements.

  7. Got my morning laugh when I saw this headline–

    “New York governor says ‘good riddance’ as Donald Trump switches permanent residence to Florida”

    Having escaped Kalifornia, this resonates with me on soooo many levels.

    1. Whenever I’m finally able to move out of Commifornia, I’ll have a sign on my car, “Don’t Californicate [state].

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