1) British holidaymaker, 71, is shot dead on tourist paradise of Turks and Caicos as robbers burst into house to steal cash and jewellery — fake news; private citizens are banned from owning guns in T&C, so this couldn’t possibly have happened.
2) British vegan activist is covered in blood when ‘farmers chase her down a motorway and shoot through her car window after she freed 16 of their rabbits’ — looks like the Spanish farmers need more range time.
3) ISIS strap suicide vests to COWS and blow the animals up in attack that failed to kill any humans in Iraq — that’s the end of ISIS: now they’ve pissed off PETA. (Funny how there aren’t any “militant vegan activists” in Iraq…)
4) Hundreds of illegal guns flood city after gun ban — let’s hear it for “Australian-style” gun control.
5) Women marry men for money — and if there aren’t men rich enough, they don’t marry at all. Another big surprise.
6) Bonk more, and life feels better — another shocker, brought to you by !Science!
7) Mugabe dies — about time, and about forty years too late. Africa wins again.