1) Candy bars lose sugar, also taste — FFS, if you think a candy bar is unhealthy or bad for you, then eat something else. Don’t moan and complain until the manufacturer brings out a watery, tasteless variant of the classic. (see: lite beer)
2) Man fucks with black mamba, with predictable results — there is a good reason why snake handlers in South Africa cannot get life insurance, no matter how much they’re prepared to pay.
3) Cold weather causes vag-freeze — as we’re heading into winter, you may want to get yer Missus a box-warmer (don’t ask).
4) Freaks and pervos hit the streets — where else but in San Francisco? (Never an errant daisycutter bomb when you need one.)
5) Italy to become the “new Argentina” — as long as they don’t invade the Falklands, we’re cool.
6) Tropical Storm Rosa will not wash the entire state of California out to sea — and a nation mourns.