…And Speaking Of Wankers

It now appears that what we men have always thought was one of life’s necessities, in fact really is necessary. I speak here of frequent orgasms, as evidenced by this study (from Harvard, no less) which concludes as follows:

“We found that men reporting higher compared to lower ejaculatory frequency in adulthood were less likely to be subsequently diagnosed with prostate cancer.”

So there you have it: have orgasms, or die. The “suggested” frequency is twenty-one (21) orgasms per month. (Yeah, I know: “I’m not going to cut my wanking in half just to satisfy some Harvard tools.”) For the innumerate, that’s two every three days. And apparently they should be regularly spaced, so locking yourself in your bedroom over the weekend and bringing up your average by going on a two-day wank-a-thon won’t suffice. Wank-a-thons can also cause the condition known as Wanker’s Claw:

As with all things, moderation is better.

Therefore, the next time you’re overcome with lust after seeing a new picture of, say, Monica Bellucci:

…and yer wife / girlfriend isn’t interested in helping you save your life, you can reach for the Kleenex with no guilt whatsoever. (Incidentally, Ms. Bellucci’s latest movie is entitled On The Milky Road [sic]. If that isn’t a sign right there…)

I should point out, however, that this study was drawn from reported as opposed to (ahem) observed behavior, and as we all know that when it comes to talking about their sex lives, people lie like Clintons, even to researchers; so there should be a little caution attached to these findings.

You’ll also want to vary your technique a tad, or else you’ll end up with the dreaded Wanker’s Imbalance:

Still, if you want the plausible results to form part of your excuse when yer Missus catches you in flagrante delicto, they are:

Past research by the same university suggests that emptying the prostate of cancer-causing substances and infections may have some benefit. Ejaculation may also help to reduce prostate inflammation, which is a known cause of the cancer.

Caution should also be exercised if you enlist the services of a mistress or random pick-up at the pub to keep you healthy. For some reason, I suspect that wives are not going to be fooled by the excuse.

Dr. Kim also points out that the plea of, “If we don’t have sex tonight, I’m going to die!” is likely to be met with the usual sympathetic response:

And of course next month’s study from Harvard is doubtless going to find that frequent orgasms for men can cause blindness, just like yer mother told you.

You have been warned.


  1. You have to switch off or you’ll look like a fiddler crab. Even then, you end up with forearms like Popeye.

    I’m told.

  2. I suspect that the Agent Orange did for me more than the attention (or lack of same) of Momma and Rosie Palm combined.

  3. First off, Monica Bellucci, let me get this straight; Haaahvad recommends 21 orgasms per day?

    Clinically Speaking, a Warning to Athletic Wankers
    The following Letter To the Editor appeared in the January 1977 issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.
    Penile Frostbite: An Unforeseen Hazard of Jogging
    To the Editor: A 53-year-old, circumcised physician, nonsmoker, light drinker (one highball before dinner), 1.78 meters tall, weighing 70 kg, with no illnesses, performing strenuous physical exercise for many years began a customary 30 minute jog in a local park at 7 p.m. on December 3, 1976. He wore flare-bottom double-knit polyester trousers, Dacron-cotton boxer-style undershorts, a cotton T-shirt and cotton dress shirt, a light-wound sweater, an outer nylon shell jacket over the sweater, gloves, and low-cut Pro Ked sneakers. The nylon shell jacket extended slightly below the belt line.
    Local radio weather reports gave the outside air temperature as -8 degrees C with a severe wind-chill factor.
    From 7:00 to 7:25 p.m. the jog was routine. At 7:25 p.m. the jogger noted an unpleasant painful burning sensation at the penile tip. From 7:25 to 7:30 p.m. this discomfort became from intense, the pain increasing with each stride as the exercise named its end. At 7:30 p.m. the job ended, and
    the patient returned home.
    Physical examination at 7:40 p.m. in his apartment at comfortable room temperature revealed early frostbite of the penis. The glans was rigid, red, tender upon manipulation and anesthetic to light touch. Immediate therapy was begun. The polyester double-knit trousers and the Dacron-cotton-undershorts were removed. In a straddled standing position, the patient created a cradle for rapid re-warming by covering the penile tip with one cupped palm. Response was rapid and complete. Symptoms subsided 15 minutes after onset of treatment and physical findings returned to normal.
    Side effects: at 7:50 p.m. the patient’s wife returned from a local shopping trip and observed him during the treatment procedure. She saw him standing, legs apart, in the bedroom, nude below the waist, holding the tip of his penis in his right hand, turning the pages of the New England Journal of Medicine with his left. Spouse’s observations of therapy produced rapid onset of numerous,
    varied and severe side effects (personal communication).
    Pathogenesis of the syndrome was assessed as tissue response to high air velocity at -8 degrees C, penetrating the interstices of polyester double-knit trouser fabric and continuing through anterior opening of Dacron-cotton undershorts, impacting upon receptor site of target organ to produce the changes described.
    The patient continues to jog, wearing an athletic supporter and old tight cotton warm-up pants used in college cross-country races in 1939. No reoccurrences are expected.

    Melvin Hershkowitz, MD
    Jersey City, NJ 07304
    Medical Center

    1. YearningAbs, this advice was meant for MEN. I have no idea how women handle [sic] their self-pleasuring, but given their physiology and the popularity of things like vibrators, I suspect that their per-day orgasm count is far higher than men’s.

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