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Tag: Humor
Stuff that makes me laugh
News Roundup
And the news is even uglier…
...hardest hit would be New York, Minnesota and Michigan.
Speaking of Minnesoduh:
...too bad he didn’t attack the fucking Soros-backed prosecutor, who probably deserves a good stabbing. As does Soros.
In Political News:
...”Hangings begin soon” would be excellent, not chilling.
...lemme get this straight: the unions are supporting the employment of non-union illegal foreign workers? Got it.
#California
From the Dept. of Education:
...and she’s not from Missouri, but California.
#ForTheWin
...let’s hear it from the teachers’ unions…. nothing? Well, all righty then.
And from the Dept. of Health (Britishland Division):
...gummint bureaucracy at its finest.
...and here I thought the NHS was the shining model for State-run single-payer medical care.
...and they can’t even use the “butbutbut Covid!” excuse anymore. LOL.
And this is probably unrelated to the above:
...probably.
From the front lines of Sex Wars:
...I blame the TrumpVanceMusk Axis of Evil. Oh wait… this was in Britishland? As long as they stay away from places like Rotherham, they’ll probably be okay. Probably.
In Entertainment News:
...and all over the U.S., sales of Viagra and English Leather soar as old farts everywhere now think they finally have a chance.
And in the ever-silly 
…“Start by hiring three nannies…”
And now, a journey down 
:
...a little while ago I (re-)watched the Cruise movie Jack Reacher, and was reminded of Ms. Pike rather forcefully:
And let’s not forget Ros’s underpinnings, as she puts her best foot forward:
Weak Neethe
Back when Longtime Buddy Trevor and I were doing our first trip around the U.S. (1985), we stopped in a little store somewhere in New Hampshire — don’t remember which town, and probably a convenience store.
The cashier was a young guy in his late teens or early 20s, and he was a giant — I mean, well over 6’5″ and 300lbs.
Trevor (who has no problem with asking total strangers personal questions): “Wow, you’re a big dude. Did you ever play football at school?”
Kid: [headshake]
Trevor: “Why not?”
Kid: [in a high, childlike squeak]: “I got weak neethe.”
We collapsed with laughter when we got outside, because the high voice and lisp coming from this man-mountain was just too incongruous.
I thought of this story the other day at the Sooper-Seekrit Mailbox Place. You see, whereas it used to be quite close to my Plano apartment, now it’s a long drive over from Allen, and a long drive causes me all sorts of problems.
Many years ago, I was having problems with my knees. In retrospect, this condition was probably being caused by my being grossly overweight. Anyway, I complained to the doctor about it, who agreed with my diagnosis — the first time he ever used the immortal words: “If you don’t lose some weight, you’re going to die, you fat bastard.” Anyway, he sent me to get X-rays done, just to see what was going on in there.
The X-ray doc looked at the pics, and asked: “Are you in the flooring business? No? That’s interesting, because I normally see knees like this in older men who’ve been installing carpeting for years.”
As a result, my doctor gave me the letter to show the licensing folks that I qualified for cripple (okay, disabled) plates on my car, which I’ve had ever since.
When New Wife came over for the first time, she called me out as a fraud because I appeared in perfect health, belying my “cripple” status.
Well, maybe not.
You see, while my knees are a lot better now that I have lost some weight and am no longer a “Fat Bastard”, they still give me trouble if I’m immobile for longer than a few minutes.
So when I pull up and park in my Disabled parking spot, she always worries that people are going to think, “What’s wrong with him? He looks perfectly healthy!”
…until I get out of the car with my weak neethe, and hobble around like a bona fide cripple for those first few dozen steps (then they loosen up, and I can walk more or less normally). Which is what happens when I make the 30-minute drive to the Sooper-Seekrit Mail place and park outside. Those first steps… bloody hell.
By the way, my left knee is particularly troublesome because I tore it up while hunting in the Highlands of Scotland with Mr. Free Market back in 2017, and while it did get better, it occasionally locks up worse than the other one.
So I can’t play football either.
LOL Of The Day
Once more with feeling from the Comment section at Knuckledragger’s:
That’s also sorta true with chastising people who use “bullets” when they mean “cartridges”. Yes I know, the bullet is really the part that leaves the casing and comes out of the naughty end of the gun (oops I mean barrel), but saying “I’m outta cartridges!” just doesn’t have the same ring as “I need more fuggin’ bullets!”
I’d rather just chastise someone for not having enough ammo.
Also: far be it for me to say this, but we really shouldn’t be guided by anything the Army says, because their fuckup rate in all things is phenomenal. And that’s true of any army.
Monday Funnies
Annnnnd here we go:
But still, there’s this:
And finally, here’s the latest in our “Little Ladies Out Shopping” series:
And much later:
Now off you go; haven’t you got any shopping to do?
Speaking Of Showing Your Ass
Here’s the warning:
I think The Bee is referring to this photo:
So don’t go messing with it, you hear?