Tag: Humor

Stuff that makes me laugh

Scandal

Behind Enemy Lines, Food & Drink

File this under “There ought to be a law”:

UK McDonald’s Run Out Of Bacon
Furious fast food lovers went into meltdown this morning after dozens of McDonald’s restaurants in the UK ran out of bacon.
Customers were unable to purchase popular breakfast items from the menu, including bacon rolls, bacon and egg McMuffins and bacon and egg bagels.
Restaurants in Devon, Essex, West Sussex and Greater Manchester have run out of pork and customers took to Twitter to vent their anger.

As well they should. I think it actually IS a law in parts of the U.S.:

Section 2 Part I:
No restaurant should ever run out of bacon, under penalty of imprisonment for the manager thereof.

I saw it on the Internet; it must be true.

5 Worst Deathbed Statements

Friday Feature, The Worst

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness, as always:

  • “Sorry about your inheritance, kids; but I think I still owe the I.R.S. four million dollars.”
  • “I’m not your real father, Jimmy; Harvey Weinstein is.”
  • “Kids, I’ve got ten million dollars stashed in a secret account in… urgggglllgh.”
  • In your dying delirium, telling Claire you always loved her, when your wife’s name is Patricia.
  • “I’ve got a terrible secret to tell you: my whole life, I’ve always voted Democrat.”

Your own suggestions in Comments, as always. Tastelessness preferred.

 

5 Worst Ways To Begin A Speech

Friday Feature, The Worst

Ranked in ascending order of dreadfulness:

  • “Heil Hitler!”
  • “As the best man, let me start by apologizing to everyone that the groom didn’t show up for the ceremony today…”
  • “Ladies and gentlemen, and those who’ve had the operation…”
  • “Before I start my speech, let me first tell you the joke about the nigger, the Jewboy and the faggot…”
  • “Tonight I want to explain how I lost the election to Donald Trump…”

Your own suggestions in Comments, as always.

Medical Alert

Funny Stuff

Just in time for those winter sniffles comes this news:

A man claimed that masturbating cleared his sinuses – and doctors said he was right.
Skyler, a husband from Arizona, said that when he couldn’t fall asleep due to his stuffy nose, he decided to take matters into his own hands.
He appeared on the show The Doctors where the professionals broke down the science behind his X-rated trick. They explained that during an orgasm the muscles contract around the body, including inside the nose, which can temporarily relieve sinus pressure for both men and women.
Research has shown orgasms can also help with the immune system, insomnia, stress, pain and overall help live longer.

So I have only one thing to say:

By the way, I have no idea whether this miracle cure works for women.

(As my friend Patterson once said: “Women have orgasms? They’ll be wanting the vote, next.”)