Category: The Worst

(Note to my Lady Readers:  I accept no responsibility if you do any of the following.)

Ranked in ascending order of coldness:

• Arrange a “break-up dinner” at a restaurant, and split his head open with a cleaver when he starts whining and protesting
• Invite him over so that he arrives while you’re in bed with the New Guy (and bonus points if it’s his apartment that you’re sharing)
• Tell him you’ve finally decided to have a threesome, only it will be with Roger and Dave, and he’s not invited
• Send him a nude selfie from your hotel room in Jamaica, said selfie to include the equally-naked (and fully erect) Jamaican pool “boy” in the background
• Get your mother to give him the bad news. (Bonus points if she’s always hated him.)

Your suggestions in Comments.

In ascending order of ill-advisedness:

• “Only 120?  That’s disappointing;  my speedo was showing 135.”
• “If I give you a sip from my hip flask, will you let me off with a warning?”
• “I’ll have a hot dog with fries, and a vanilla shake… darlin’.”
• “Apparently, radar speed guns cause testicular cancer.  I fucking hope so.”
• “Here:  hold my gun while I look for my wallet.”

Your suggestions in Comments.

Everyone’s been there (don’t even think of denying it):  you’re making the beast-with-two-backs with your honey and unbidden, someone else pops into your mind.  Here are the five worst / most inappropriate of such, ranked as always in ascending order of foulness:

For the ladies:

• the Dalai Lama
• Alan Alda
• Woody Allen
• Bill or  Hillary Clinton (tie)
• Bruce Jenner

And for the guys:

• anyone from Jersey Shores (the TV show or  the place itself)
• Milo Yannopoulos
• your ten-year-old stepdaughter
• Maxine Waters
• Caitlyn Jenner

Your suggestions in Comments… when you’ve stopped throwing up, that is.

In ascending order of awfulness:

• newspapers
• cloth made from horsehair
• a sheet of glass
• sandbags
• Rosie O’Donnell

Your suggestions in Comments.

Ranked in order of horribleness:

• “I think he’s unconscious… oh what the hell, go ahead and cut.”
• “Wow… I need to tell my wife to book that Caribbean cruise;  this is gonna take a LOT longer than I thought.”
• “What’s the world record for stretching an anus?”
• “Oh boy, a naked unconscious woman on a table… it reminds me so much of high school.”
• “Wait a minute;  I know we scheduled a tonsillectomy, but it says ‘Gender Reassignment’ on her chart here.”

Your suggestions in Comments.