5 Worst Things To Say During A Traffic Stop

In ascending order of ill-advisedness:

  • “Only 120?  That’s disappointing;  my speedo was showing 135.”
  • “If I give you a sip from my hip flask, will you let me off with a warning?”
  • “I’ll have a hot dog with fries, and a vanilla shake… darlin’.”
  • “Apparently, radar speed guns cause testicular cancer.  I fucking hope so.”
  • “Here:  hold my gun while I look for my wallet.”

Your suggestions in Comments.


  1. As a cop…that last one really isn’t that bad. Why? Because now I have the gun, not you. If that gun is going to be in someone’s hand, I’d much rather it be in mine.

    As long as you pass it safely, don’t muzzle me, etc. And you don’t mind if I clear it and check the serial # to see if it’s been reported stolen.

  2. “80? Officer, I identify as someone going 55, so there is no violation.”

    “Why did you pull me over? Dunno. You thought maybe I had donuts?”

    “Shouldn’t you be out shooting another minority person?…”

    “I’m on the way to the hospital. It’s been more than four hours.”

    “If my penis is larger than yours, will you let me go with a warning?”

  3. “If I look like I’m sitting funny, I swear it’s not because I’m hiding anything in my ass.”

    “I’m a baker, officer. That’s why my trunk is full of my homemade sugar.”

    Or my personal favorite (I tell it to as many cops as I can, NOT in traffic stops): “Do you know why fireman have bigger balls that policemen?”

  4. Last year, I got pulled over here in Galveston by a local motorcycle cop. 52 in a 40. Knew the ticket was a slam-dunk.

    Officer got my license and insurance and asked: “Do you know why I pulled you over today?” Being the dumbass/smartass I am, I replied:

    “….. Cause I was doing Stupid in a No Stupid Zone?”

    Whereupon his demeanor immediately changed. Tension went out of his stance and expression. Said he’d be right back, which he was.

    With only a printed warning, an admonishment to slow down, and a half-chuckled “thanks for making this one an easy one.”, as he walked back to his bike.

    I’ll count that as a win.

    Sunk New Dawn
    Galveston, TX

  5. “What’s that, officer? You’ve been waiting all day for me to come along? Well…I got here as quick as I could.”

  6. An old girlfriend’s ditzy friend actually got off with a warning with this one.
    “No I don’t know how fast I was going, the speedometer stops at 80”

  7. Actually seen as a bumper sticker (on a red Corvette, on a black background, in 3 inch high reflective silver): “BAD Cop! No Donut!”

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