Category: Friday Feature

From the depths of Corporatocracy, in ascending order of frightfulness:

• “There’s not enough in the budget for the bonus we promised you”
• “You’ll have to spend six months at the new client’s office in Des Moines while we get the business settled”
• “HR wants to talk to you”
• “Our new CEO has a Harvard MBA”

…and the absolute worst thing your boss could ever say to you:

• “Meet LaShonda, our new VP of Diversity Awareness”

Your additions in Comments. Graphic language and seditious thoughts are not only allowed, they’re encouraged.

Some of these may not be actual slogans as used by the brands; but to quote Dan Rather, they’re “fake but accurate”:

• “Yes, They’re Awful. But Look How Many We’ve Sold”  (McDonalds)
• “To you, it’s a journey to your dream vacation. To us, you’re just two-legged cargo on a cheapskate budget”  (any airline nowadays)
• “When It Absolutely, Positively, Has To Get There Sometime”  (US Postal Service)*
• “When Your Dick Is Too Small” (Lamborghini)
• “Endorsed by Kim Kardashian” (any product on the planet)

Your suggestions in Comments.

*I received my Jan 2018 SHOT Show credentials last week, by Priority Mail.

…that I’ve ever flown into, out of or through:

• John F. Kennedy, New York  (JFK) — considering its location, it’s a disgrace. Baggage handlers are thieves (luggage routinely disappears after being unloaded), staff are New York Rude, and the p.a. system would probably be more intelligible if they hired retired drill sergeants to bellow the announcements through megaphones.
• LaGuardia, New York (LGA) — Rude, obnoxious and uncaring staff everywhere, and only about 10% can speak English at all, let alone fluently. You could die anywhere in LGA and it would take a week for your corpse to be discovered, or attended to.
• O.R. Tambo, Johannesburg (JNB) — When the TSA-style security officials empty the cash out of your wallet while the others are making you unpack your carry-on bag… when flying out, keep your cash in your pockets.
• Bangalore/ Bengelaru, India (BLR) — Dirty, inefficient, no idea how to handle crowds, no passenger conveniences (e.g. restaurants). Don’t even get me started on going through Immigration / Customs, whether arriving or departing.
• Leonardo da Vinci / Fiumicino, Rome (FCO) — Being Italian, they still haven’t decided which name to use, some twenty-five years after deciding to rename the place. Check-in staff are notorious for just disappearing if there are too many passengers and canceled flights for them to handle. It is easier to drive to Milan (MXP) and fly out of there, instead of trying to deal with FCO during chaotic situations (which happen about every other day, it would appear).

Dishonorable mentions: Los Angeles (LAX) and Charles De Gaulle (CDG) — most confusing airports to navigate through in the world. It would work better if crowd control was managed by Disney; instead, it’s managed by Mickey Mouse, in both airports. I speak French fluently, and I still couldn’t understand the p.a. announcements at CDG. Perhaps they have an exchange program with JFK…

Your nominations in Comments.