Category: Bad News

Finally, a few Good News! items:

...more like this, please.

...especially with breakfast, as I’ve always maintained.  That said, I’m not exactly sold on the benefits of living another thirty-odd years.  And:

...just waitin’ for that Fort Sumter Moment.

...of course, that headline’s an outright lie.  Bitch got got busted for forgery (the actual charge).  Still, jailing “climate activists”, whatever the reason, is a worthy activity [sic].

...and in Massachusetts, even.

But back to the usual Catalog Of Catastrophes:

...we know all that, Ted.  Question is:  what are YOU going to do about it?

...and here’s a good example of where to start.  And then here:

...gosh, if only someone had written a book about this over a decade ago.

In International Affairs:

...well, we all know the Pals are crazier than rats on PCP.

In Showbiz News:

...”wealthy Black men” would be my first guess.

...although I don’t think that’s quite the “piling on” the old perv envisaged.

...leading to the brilliant British definition of an “influencer”:  “A mouthy cunt on Instagram.”

And among the irrelevancies known to us all as INSIGNIFICA:

  ...and once again, if you actually understand any of that, you need to get a life.

In Sporting News:

...the official NCAA line being:  “You can’t get rich by exploiting your bodies;  only we can get rich by exploiting your bodies.”  And speaking of bodies:

...who she, you ask?

So, back from Amalfi to our dreary reality, thus endeth Da Nooz.

And in this, the (extended) 300th(!) News Roundup, a segue:

From our Dear Leader:

...has anyone told him that the Covidiocy is over?

...probably for the best — he’d only fuck things up irretrievably by referring to Belgium as “Germany”.

And in other LGBTOSTFU News:

...doesn’t matter because nobody watches women’s tennis.  Might as well let giraffes play, as well.

In the Dept. of (In)Justice files:

...so can we expect Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden to be indicted soon, for precisely the same offense as Trump is supposed to have committed?

...yeah, but she’s a Democrat.  Forgive me for sounding cynical.

In ShowBiz! News:

...never mind, Disney will cast Amy Schuler as Jack Sparrow in the next episode, and all will be well.  Also:

...”accidentally”.

...he’s been a total tool for over forty years;  why should he change now?  And speaking of tools:

...please adjust your target coordinates accordingly, because he’s worse than Daddy.

...just another feather in the cap of the Biden administration’s foreign policy (see:  Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, etc.).

From the Dept. of Global Cooling Climate Warming Change:

...EVERYBODY PANIC!!!!  Or not.

From the Dept. of Child Molestation Education:

...looking at the next Teacher Of The Year, here.

...that’s nice of you, but it’s not going to forestall the hangings.  And speaking of people to be hanged:

...mind the step, Fatboi.

And in your favorite INSIGNIFICA:

...and if anyone actually understands what any of that means, you need to get a life.  Also: “Snoochie” sounds like a euphemism for a lady’s love tunnel.

And finally:

...”incredible” being the mot juste.  Honestly, if Salma isn’t the sexiest woman alive, then she’s #1(a).  Or the rating criteria are totally screwed up.

It’s a fine way to end the 300th Roundup, anyway.

And in Very Important News For Womyns:

...feministas cheer at clear proof that they really don’t need men in their lives.  Also, Epsteiner Bill Clinton claims to have an alibi.

...I would have thought that a trip to any Disney theme park would ipso facto ruin a holiday, but maybe that’s just me.

...I liked this Cuban hottie the minute I first read about her.

...I never frequent Taco Bell so I’m immune to this horror, but some people may be interested.

From the Dept. of Global Cooling Climate Warming Change:

...with approximately 53.9999 billion tonnes coming solely from the Third World (e.g. India and China), so send someone to scold them.  Oh look, here’s a candidate:

...especially you, Fuckface.

From the Desirable Consequences files:

...I’ve never thought we should emulate anything that Haiti does, but maybe I was too hasty.

In LGBTOSTFU News:

...this is known as “Pedal To The Metal” marketing.

...see above.

From the Great Cultural Assimilation Project:

...I can just see the Somalis lining up for those Gender Studies classes.

...never a random Haitian around when you need one.

And a refreshing dose of link-free INSIGNIFICA:

  

...you had me at “pussy bows”.

And on that topic:

...any time, any place, RollerGirl.

And that’s all the news that’s fit to drool over.

Speaking of things which leave a bad taste in yer mouth:

...seeing as fuck-all happened to him after the first two, I’ll take “Same again” for $400, Alex.

Speaking of non-binaries, lesbians and the like:

...doesn’t get much worse than being thrashed by a bunch of old Welshmen, does it?

...just wait till some smart guy makes AI work in a RealDoll:  it’ll be all over for Teh Grrrrlz.  And speaking of isolation dreams:

...wait, I thought that during Covidiocy, people couldn’t… oh, never mind.

And more from the Dept. of Public Fearmongering:

...wait:  tuberculosis?  [yawwwwwwwwwwwwwn]  Also keyword:  South Africa.

And from the Dept. Of Education Child Abuse:

…hey, it’s the King James Bible, a veritable orgy fountain of violence, vulgarity and impure thought.

...well, it isn’t.  Not among ordinary Texans, anyway.  Among perv teachers and anarchists, however...

From the Act Your Fucking Age Department:

...so much for his expensive elder-care insurance policy.

...I’m sure some gold-digging whore special someone will overlook his creepy Scientology beliefs and three failed marriages, and will declare the billionaire dwarf to be the Man Of Her Dreams.

And in the Lawn Order Files:

...”But Kim, he’s just a little old man!”  Use a little old rope.

...and here I thought it was just their secret hot dog salt.  Now I have to find another takeout place.

...”Where can I send this list of Jeffrey Epstein’s clients?”

And speaking of outtakes, here’s yet more (link-free) INSIGNIFICA:

Finally, after a lengthy absence, our Paige Three Report returns:

...and is there a better combination?

And that’s it for the nooooz.

And in other fake claims:

...and yes, we should — except that herring and mackerel taste foul and only Scandis eat them.

...you mean like I do every day of the week?

...to avoid being Epsteined, no doubt.  Although she needs to keep her mouth shut about her new home, lest she be Putined.

From the Dept. of Education:

...key word: Manchester a.k.a. Boston North.

...didn’t we already deal with this back in the mid 2010s?  No?  Then nothing’s going to happen to these GLSEN assholes now, either.

In Immigration News:

...you fucking voted for him, you deal with him.

And South of the Border:

...seems a little extreme, although if said journalist were e.g. Nicholas Kristof or George Monbiot, I might reserve judgment.

...you don’t say.

...I warned them to stop those fucking spam calls.

In Health News, some more alarmist stuff:

...but you’ll die thinner, so there’s that.

And for our dose of Extreme Insignifica, with no links (you may thank me later):

...oh go on, I dare you, you fat fuck.

Finally:

...let’s examine the evidence:

And that’s all the news worth looking at.

But on a parallel topic:

...in which we play “Guess The Race” of the “suspects”.

...this news item was brought to you by the Loch Ness Tourism Board.

In the That’s How You Do It! Department:

...and the Frogs have the Right Stuff too:

...the only thing missing is a steam roller.

...too bad he didn’t break his wokist neck.

...key word:  India.

...wow:  whoever could have seen that coming?

...he’ll be even more uncomfortable in a jail cell, but at least he won’t be able to open that door.

...but had the sexes been reversed, she’d have got half of £250 million, you betcha.

And as for INSIGNIFICA:

...now as any fule kno, I think Simon Cowell should be executed for Crimes Against Music, but wait… Mezhgan Husseiny?

He was not worthy.  Or newsworthy, for that matter.