Horrible, unpleasant stuff
Seen in some newspaper article or other Somewhere On Teh Intarwebz (SOTI):
…a.k.a. the “You Don’t Say!” department.
That said, I once made a used-car salesman so angry that he challenged me to a fight outside the showroom. Connie just looked at him, then looked at me and said: “Just don’t kill him, okay?”
Challenge was withdrawn.
And speaking of quickies:
...candidate for “Most Misleading Headline Of The Year” competition.
...pick and cut? What happened to flaying and impalement? Oh wait… those watermelons. My bad.
Some Political News:
…
...a simple glance at past Soviet leaders would emphasize that Commies never give up power voluntarily: they have to die.
…
In International Monetary News:
...three words guaranteed to cause mocking laughter: Euro bailout fund. And speaking of money:
...wait: cash-sniffing dogs? What new totalitarian hell is this?
From the Great Cultural Assimilation Experiment:
…I prefer the old-fashioned term “concentration camp”, myself.
...as opposed to “un-sinister” sex attacks on women?
From the True Crime Dept.:
...I know that criminals are seldom PhD candidates, but… seriously?
In the Woke Chronicles:
...am I the only one getting an ever-larger Schadenböner out of this sorry tale?
Never mind; this next one will cause all boners to wilt like two-week-old lettuce.
...fat, stupid and pervy is no way to go through life, son.
And now it’s time for INSIGNIFICA (and you’ll be SO glad there are no links):
…who they, again?
Finally:
...it’s been a while since we looked at the former newsreader and now Hottest Conservative Babe On The Planet, so here we go:
Is there a better way to end the news than with a pic of Tomi in denim shorts? I think not.
And more from the Stuff That Can Kill You Dept.:
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...well, you can fuck right off, scientists, because earlier on you told us that a glass of wine will stimulate your heart, prevent scabies and end the spread of Communism.
And now from the Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© Dept., Everybody Panic!!! Office:
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But it’s not all bad news in this area, because:
...federal “bailout” funds coming in 3…2…1...
Then again:
...so if you can’t terrify us into submission, you want to imprison us? Okay Bernie, my old comrade: might as well start with me. You Commie motherfucker.
From the Foreign News Desk:
...yeah, they don’t need to import spaghetti because they already have noodles.
...she prolly got sick of all the rent boys coming over to their house all the time.
...doing the math, that works out to being raped once every 5 days (kinda like being married, really, except for the “coercive” part).
...errr can anybody point me to those people who love paying rent?
In Political News:
...I took the word “alleged” out of the headline because we all know that there’s nothing “alleged” about it.
Obituaries Etc.
...the anarchic “Pee Wee’s Playhouse” being still the best kids’ TV program ever.
And now, time for INSIGNIFICA:
…going the Full Monty?
And in TV News:
...no idea who she is, but let’s investigate:
And some other views:
Okay, I’d classify her bod at “mildly sensational”, but not bad for someone knocking hard at the 40 door.
Cleans up pretty well, too — well, as much as any of these houris can “clean up”:
And thus, we come to the end of the news.
And speaking of rancid and toxic women:
...just the kind you’d want your son to bring over for Thanksgiving, yes? Also, keyword: Michigan.
...that’s okay; when you share custody, you can feed the kid steaks, meat pies and sausages all you want on those weekends.
In Lawn Awduh News:
...hell of a sentence just for shooting a cop who was already dead. Uhhh wait a minute...
...why bother, when the fix is already in?
...that’s not quite what the original headline said, but you get my drift.
...in which, once again, we play “Guess The Race” of all the participants in this ghastly little situation.
...key word: Florida — no wait, California. Hadda be one of them.
In Medical News:
...wait: gout in your cock? What new hell is this? And in the same vein [sic]:
...the one time I think “over and under” would be preferable to “side by side”.
From the Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© Dept.:
…
From the Dept. Of Tourism:
….funny, I thought that was every Italian city, but I haven’t been there for years.
From the Sports Desk:
...that would be me with baseball, and I’m not even a hermit.
Time for no-link INSIGNIFICA:
...no, I don’t understand any of that either.
This just has to be pissing off somebody somewhere (no link):
...can’t see why, myself.
And that’s the news.
…back when this stuff was funny because people knew it was tongue-in-cheek naughty instead of “hurtful” or “demeaning”.
...including, one would hope, the entire Bud Light marketing department.
...but as Kenny says: “Meanwhile in Alaska”:
And speaking of invasions by foul creatures:
...even in Germany? Wow.
From the Dept. of Health:
...as opposed to offering it to illegal immigrants? I’ll take that for $400, Alex.
…
From the Global Warming Climate Cooling Change© people:
...EVERYBODY PANIC!!! Or not, seeing as there’s no actual evidence that climate “change” can affect global sea currents.
Your Gummint At Work:
...because we don’t have enough literate citizens to do those jobs, thanks to our so-called “education” system.
...too bad it’s not because of the unexpectedly-high body count.
And in Happy Happy Joy Joy News:
...Viva Italia.
...oh yes it is. Nobody has ever complained while having one, although I bet a few women have tried.
...actually, the most dangerous position is the one her husband catches you doing.
...back when I were a lad, all you needed was a pic of Raquel Welch and this thing called “imagination”.
From the bowels of INSIGNIFICA:
...anytime anyone gets sick of looking at Liz, I can always stop.
More, you say? Why not…
On that joyous note we end the news, and not a moment too soon.
Here’s a spoonworthy target, in Lawn Awduh:
...the dirty rozzers. How dare they act like typical randy young men?
Problem is, a spoon-smack on the tip of the willie may well be a good idea to errr subdue the rampant male. But what if the aggressor is a womyn?
From the Dept. of Education:
...I’m not sure that teaching the boy to scream “Oh god oh god oh god!” is acceptable religious instruction, but then I ‘m just an old atheist.
...LOL wait till they get to read Titus Andronicus. “Mass suicide” would be my prediction.
...and yet they’re going to vote him back into office at the next election. And speaking of the uneducated:
...also that wolves can’t hunt whales, White Men can’t jump, and Africans can’t govern.
From the Dept. of Global Warming Climate Cooling Change©:
...next thing, they’ll be telling us that electric cars are a waste of time. Believe The Science.
...key word: Germany.
...I think you’re a little late with the warning there, Mikey.
From the Dept. of Womyns’ Sport:
...and if the U.S. coach had any balls [sic], these ungrateful hussies would have been pulled off the team and sent straight back to… Cuba. And speaking of Cuba:
...perhaps if the MassGuv were to lead the way and house a few dozen illegals in the Governor’s mansion…?
In Showbiz News:
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...perhaps if they’d stuck with just one, they might have got away with it.
And in INSIGNIFICA:
Finally, if we are to Believe The Science!, then:
Science’s loss is our gain, I suppose.