Category: Bad News

 

From the Dept. of Lost Causes:

...irrelevant AND stupid is no way to go through life, son.  And speaking of a hopeless cause:

...and I urge our TexGov to permit the shooting of illegals as they’re crossing the Rio Grande.  Mine has a better chance of success.

Some good news, for a change:

...keep ’em coming (or rather, going), Izzies.

...keep ’em going, Gov.

...I thought Mayor Betelgeuse had been voted out of office already — oh wait, that was until yesterday.  But this is worse — a LOT worse:

...”A grateful nation says thank you for your service — now fuck off and live on the streets.”

From the Dept. of Global Cooling Climate Warming Change:

...so basically, all Britishland’s feeble attempts to cut back cow farts have been just a waste of time, then?

Some Showbiz News:

...ummm let’s see:  Elizabeth’s age at her coronation:  25.  Charles’s age at his:  75.  I’m frankly surprised the old boy stayed awake through the whole thing.

...fair enough, as long as you fegelehs are also banned from playing straight characters.

...that’s okay;  I have an emotional support 1911 handgun that I carry whenever I leave the house, too.

…to whit:

…which leads us automatically into other INSIGNIFICA:

 

…and the last two items segue neatly back to today’s sponsor:

...that’s okay, my darlin’:  you keep showing ’em, and we’ll keep looking.

…and that’s a fine way to end all the news that’s fit to uncover.

And while we’re there:

...of course, she’s not really that ignorant — she’s just pushing the Party line.  However:

...if A.I. is really that bad, we are truly fucked.

...I guess that “learn to code” advice wasn’t that good after all.

...errrr a little late for that now, innit?

...illustrated with a pic of a WHITE nurse?  LOL

...doesn’t matter.  Even if you’re caught driving without one, nothing happens to you.  Sorta like shoplifting in San Francisco. [/Third World]

...sheesh, when you’ve lost even the gayboys, can ruin be far behind? Oh wait:

...how do you boycott something that’s already being boycotted?  Is it a double-plus boycott?

Another report from Queer Wars:

...when asked to comment, Chuck Norris and Clint Eastwood both said:  “Huh.”

...even without walking backwards, I should have the best memory in the Western world, if that’s what it takes.

...yup, always protect the identity of the rape victim.

And now is MOAR INSIGNIFICA:

  

...wait:  women have orgasms?  They’ll be wanting the vote, next.

And finally, in Sporting News:

…which will please Napoli’s number one fan, sportscaster Floriana Messina.  Who she?

No wonder they won.

And that’s it for the news.

In other Marketing News:

...first principle of marketing:  if you want people to buy something, tell them they can’t have it.  Known by everyone except politicians and Harvard MBAs.

...following the second principle of marketing:  when you’ve fucked up horribly, bribe your way out of the problem.  Even politicians know this one — they invented it.

From the Dept. of Global Cooling Climate Warming Change:

...New York being well known for its warm, temperate winters and abundant electrical supply.

...back in a moment:  I’m just going to borrow Sarah Hoyt’s Shocked Face.

From the Dept. of Nutrition & Health:

…

...thus preempting Mickey D’s new “Mouseburger” menu item.

From the Dept. of Education:

   …same guy:
  …and related:

...what’s the French for “multi-tasking”?

News in general:

...begging the question:  if there’s no physical strength component, only intellect, then why do Women’s Poker tournaments even exist?

...some scumbag gangbanger, no doubt.  Also:  ask me again why I carry a gun every time I leave the house, when this latest shooting happened in the next town over.

...he could have just shot the beast… oh wait:  Britishland.  Nemmind.

And in INSIGNIFICA:

 

… ...and Austin Powers was unavailable for comment.

Finally:

...who she, you ask?

…and that’s all the news we can sea today.

And in other Medical News:

...uhhhhh no.

...thus taking away the effectiveness of the “Eat shit and die” epithet.

In the latest Woke News:

...from your mouth to God’s ear, honey.

…just accept the fact that you’ve fucked your brand, hard, in the ass — just like your precious spokesthing does.  And speaking of this little asshole:

...you started it, darlin’.

…ummm is there any historical basis for the term “Minutewoman”?  Asking for a friend.

And speaking of hoplophobes:

...between P.J. and Beto, it sure seems like the wrong O’Rourke died.

...works for me.  Now let’s start killing a few, pour encourager les autres.  And speaking of pedophile organizations:

...which I’ll believe when His Assholiness points to where the term “couch potatoes” appears in the Gospel.

...looks like they want to start something they may not be able to stop.  Just sayin’.

...considering that Argentina’s total import business is lower than Alabama’s, this is ummm not significant.

And speaking of INSIGNIFICA:

  …

...I know, I’d never heard of Kayla Simmons either.  Does she even exist?  Let’s go to the gallery:

And that’s all the news that sticks out this week.

And speaking of getting the finger:

...as woker becomes broker.

...see above.

...bloody peasants.  How dare you try to improve your standard of living?

…

…then gets shot dead by irate homeowner — oh wait, this is Los Angeles, nemmind.

...nor should he, except that he’s a Brit — which means that you have to allow burglars free rein on your property, even if they threaten your life.  Kinda like L.A.

…

...go Huskers.  Better late than never.

From the Dept. of Unforeseen Consequences:

...you don’t say.

...forget it, Jake;  it’s Michigan.

In Showbiz News:

...witchcraft and sorcery inexplicably omitted from secret.

And related:

...so we’ve gone from this:    ...to this:

Now is when we suck out the INSIGNIFICA:

...headline may include a typo.  And no, I have no clue who she is, either.

And that’s all the news fit to (un)cover.

Canadians:  the old enemy.

...I’ll believe Canucki “experts” when it comes to hockey, snow removal or maple syrup.  Otherwise, not.

And in more Global Cooling Climate Warming Change news:

...as if we needed any more proof that climatism is a religion.  Also, keywords:  New York professors.

...expect “frozen Germans” to become a thing.

...climate change:  is there anything it can’t do?

...wait, weren’t temperatures supposed to be rising because of SUVs etc.?  I’m SO confused.

From the Department of Health Alarmism:

...everybody panic!!!!!!  Or not.

In the “I Did Not Know That!” department:

…I’m just amazed that the Belgies actually import any American beer, let alone that Miller piss.

From the Dept. of Criminal Assholes:

...but the shooter is Black, didn’t use an assault rifle, and shot only other Black people.  Annnnd down the memory hole she goes.

...as the Great Cultural Assimilation Project continues.

...yup, blame all those White Christian “teenagers” shooting people in Chicago, St. Louis, East L.A. and the Bronx.

...if those things are a “reader favorite”, then Insty’s demographics must have changed.  A LOT.

And from the bowels of INSIGNIFICA:

And finally, some news that actually matters:

...oh no, have mercy:

Seriously?  56?  I give up.