“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim,
I recently read this article written by a relationship expert who claims that men have to do these five things in order to get some action from their ladies. Here’s the list:

  • Take away the stress
  • Stay connected
  • Surprise her
  • Give her space
  • Make her feel special

What do you think?”
— Desperate, Melbourne

Dear Desperate,

It’s a load of old bollocks. I didn’t even have to see the picture of this “relationship expert” to know it was a woman — there’s wishful thinking written all over each of those pathetic suggestions. Let me address each of them before I offer up my own tried-and-tested, guaranteed-not-to-fail suggestions that will have your lady at your complete priapic command.

  • Take away the stress — if the thought of bonking you is stressful, I’d suggest taking away all the stress by bonking someone else who isn’t stressed-out by the prospect
  • Stay connected — considering that you’re offering her the ultimate in “connectedness”, I have no idea what she means by this
  • Surprise her — yeah, and don’t you be surprised if she reacts negatively, followed by having you arrested for “spousal rape” (which is apparently some New Thing advocated by Teh Feministicals)
  • Give her space — in all likelihood, she already takes up most of the marital bed anyway; so give her even more space by getting into someone else’s bed (see above)
  • Make her feel special — if she’s refusing to have sex with you, that’s all the “special” she’s entitled to; so feel free to make someone else feel special (see above, again).

My own no-fail suggestions are quite simple, albeit costly:

  • pay to have her kitchen remodeled
  • buy her diamonds
  • buy her mother a new house (in another city — you don’t have to be stupid about this, after all)

If you’re unwilling to spend this much just for a roll in the old, familiar hay (and nobody can blame you for that), but you’re okay with spending some money just to get laid, send me a private email and I’ll send you the phone number for Madame Fifi’s House Of Carnal Delight. If you don’t want to spend any money at all to get your rocks off, you need to grow up, my son: sex is never free. Even when you’re married.
–Dr. Kim


  1. Step 1 – wait until she starts another fight over something totally unimportant

    Step 2 – put on your jacket and walk out the door, casually mention that you’ll be back tomorrow to pack your things

    Step 3 – pause just long enough for her to realize her meal ticket is walking away.

    Step 4 – enjoy guilt free sex for the next several days as she does everything possible to keep her meal ticket at home.

    Note this all assumes you are the man of the household, earning a good income, and paying all the bills. If not, there’s always internet porn.

    1. Really? Why not throw her out instead?

      Edit: A friend has pointed out to his wife that her name is not on the tenancy agreement…

      1. Telling her to “get out” would lead to more argument, possibly get physical, and drag things out longer. Walking out yourself is quicker and makes a more lasting impression – i.e. you can go anywhere, she doesn’t know where, she can’t stop you.

        Plus, she’d get the house in the divorce anyway. Not that she could make the payments, but when does logic matter.

        As to the edit, here in Texas it’s law that both husband and wife be present and sign any home title paperwork. Guess who that’s intended to protect?

        1. A friend of mine used a variation of the out-the-door threat:
          He put on his coat, said he needed to get some cigs, and asked her if she needed anything.
          She asked him to bring back a quart of milk.
          As he’d already taken the clothes he valued to the cleaners, he walked out and never returned…….
          she never did get that milk.

  2. temporary sabaticals can work

    but yes, sex is never free. and if you think it is you are not paying attention

    1. Many years ago, I had a friend who used to enjoy the commercial services of a particular kind of lady.

      One day I smugly told him that I’d never pay for that.

      He stopped, turned and said to me, “you always pay for it”

      In that moment, I was enlightened.

  3. I had to think about this long and hard (much longer than I really should have had to).
    I gave my word (of commitment) before G-d, (under a khuppa, as makes no difference) to the woman I was going to live with for the next umpteen years. I was old enough to understand even then that she was going to have bad hair days and I was going to have bad bald days, but we’d work them out, somehow; that was the definition of marriage.
    She was very tight with her mother and her sisters, as well as the rest of her extended family. I knew this; I knew I’d be down at the bottom of the old totem pole. But what the hell, I had broad shoulders; it wasn’t as though she was springing any surprises on me.
    Walk out on her; pay for social diseases; beat the living crap out of her – wad ‘ u’ crazy or some’tum. That’s not the way I keep my word; not ever, moreso not when I gave my oath before G-d.
    If free sex was all that was on your mind, guys, when you said those two fateful words, someone should have told you beforehand that there was a real live person attached to that vagina you were so intrigued with. In the long run, you might’ve been better off with a rubber duckie.

    1. Boron – not to get too deep into it, you sound like a serious fellow. But when I got married, BOTH parties made a vow before God. Thus both parties are equally implicated into making the marriage work. When one party unilaterally decides they are no longer interested in sex, that leaves the other party high and dry. That to me is a violation of their word, and all that falls out afterwards stems from that. Including walking away (which I haven’t done, but the threat is there). Been married 23 years as of Tuesday, plenty of rough patches but we’ve always made it work out somehow.

  4. Violation:
    Violation is a real strong word.
    Violation would be her cuckolding you with some better looking or wealthier dude.
    Violation would be her walking out on you in 25 years because you could no longer perform when she’s feeling a bit randy.
    Violation would be her leaving when the implied threat of you “walking away” becomes too real in her mind when she’s depressed.
    don’t think so.

    1. Just to clarify:

      Cuckolding you with someone not better looking and not wealthier is not a violation?
      Her going outside the marriage after 30 years of rationing sex is not a violation?

      I made a contract on my wedding day, and I put up with a bad deal for over 30 years, until she broke it once and for all. I will never make such a contract again.

      Marriage is a sacrament; divorce can be a gift from god.

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