“Dear Dr. Kim,
I recently read this article written by a relationship expert who claims that men have to do these five things in order to get some action from their ladies. Here’s the list:
- Take away the stress
- Stay connected
- Surprise her
- Give her space
- Make her feel special
What do you think?”
— Desperate, Melbourne
It’s a load of old bollocks. I didn’t even have to see the picture of this “relationship expert” to know it was a woman — there’s wishful thinking written all over each of those pathetic suggestions. Let me address each of them before I offer up my own tried-and-tested, guaranteed-not-to-fail suggestions that will have your lady at your complete priapic command.
- Take away the stress — if the thought of bonking you is stressful, I’d suggest taking away all the stress by bonking someone else who isn’t stressed-out by the prospect
- Stay connected — considering that you’re offering her the ultimate in “connectedness”, I have no idea what she means by this
- Surprise her — yeah, and don’t you be surprised if she reacts negatively, followed by having you arrested for “spousal rape” (which is apparently some New Thing advocated by Teh Feministicals)
- Give her space — in all likelihood, she already takes up most of the marital bed anyway; so give her even more space by getting into someone else’s bed (see above)
- Make her feel special — if she’s refusing to have sex with you, that’s all the “special” she’s entitled to; so feel free to make someone else feel special (see above, again).
My own no-fail suggestions are quite simple, albeit costly:
- pay to have her kitchen remodeled
- buy her diamonds
- buy her mother a new house (in another city — you don’t have to be stupid about this, after all)
If you’re unwilling to spend this much just for a roll in the old, familiar hay (and nobody can blame you for that), but you’re okay with spending some money just to get laid, send me a private email and I’ll send you the phone number for Madame Fifi’s House Of Carnal Delight. If you don’t want to spend any money at all to get your rocks off, you need to grow up, my son: sex is never free. Even when you’re married.