Oh Hell

Ever since Part 1 of my Britishland sabbatical and my horror at seeing what looked like a heavily-pregnant old man shooting clays (pic below), I’ve become very conscious of what I eat [diet details redacted because nobody wants to read that shit*].

As a heretofore-lifelong chocolate eater, however, I can honestly say I hate Charlie Martin. Why?

Fortunately, I’m not studying, the only tests I face are of willpower when confronting my fourth or fifth pint of 6X, the only test I want to “pass” is a police blood-alcohol test, and I’ve had enough “new information” to last me several lifetimes, thank you. So I won’t be hitting the Aero or Milky Bars (my erstwhile choco-drugs of choice) anytime soon.

Unless, that is,  some scientist discovers that eating chocolate will make me irresistible to 55+ year-old women (and as we all know, another medical study will then “prove” that eating chocolate is linked to geriatric leprosy or something).

*Yes, I’m on a diet, for the first time in my life. No, I’m not going to talk about it because dieters are more boring than first-time mothers or even vegans. If it works, you’ll see pictorial proof at some point; if not, I’ll just go back to eating chocolate and drinking 6X to wash down my fish & chips / steak pies, and nobody will be any the wiser. And finally: all dietary advice in Comments which includes the words “paleo”, “crossfit” and other such foulness will be summarily stricken. In fact, don’t bother with any advice at all. You have been warned.


  1. I started TKD about 5 years ago. Most of my diet is around protein and leave carbs out. Over all my condition has improved, if from nothing else better muscle tone. TKD is fairly subtle as to effects as you can work as hard as you want as you progress through the belt rankings. Started doing Krav Maga and it would also be a good choice. Not as structured as TKD but will definitely give you a workout.

    YMMV. BTW in about 5 days I will be 62 so there is that.

  2. I am in no way shape or form a health, diet or exercise expert. I am however a couple months away from 50th birthday and still weight the same as I did when I graduated high school (6’1″ and 195 lb) – so while I have good genes too, I think my plan works pretty well.

    Vonz-90’s rules for weight control:
    1. Do not eat when you are not hungry!
    2. Most people like to snack while they do other things. God invented coffee for habitually sticking something in your gullet when you work, read, whatever (Side note – I like my coffee like my woman – strong and black). If you can’t drink coffee all day, drink water.
    3. Eat a balanced diet – by that I mean little bit of everything. Meat, bread, veggies (especially salads), fruits, etc, etc. Don’t be in a rut
    4. I do not like sweets much so I do not eat them too often. If you do like them, eat them, just make it a treat and not a habit.
    5. When you have a chance to exercise, exercise. It does not matter too much what it is, just that you are doing something. 2/1 ratio of cardio to weight work; but do some core work every time (sit-ups or crunches + push ups). Find a workout that you like because you will keep doing it.

    1. I forgot to mention one thing – never eat or drink diet/light anything. If you are going to eat or drink something – do so. If you don’t think you should, then don’t. That goes for: light beer, diet drinks, sugar free snacks or desserts, 2%/skim milk, etc…. just stay away from it.

  3. Good luck sir. I remember once at the old site you posted a picture of your twenty-something self. Quite the manly muscular type. He’s still in their somewhere. Without giving lots of advice, I will say don’t be afraid to move around some heavy stuff and remind those muscles what they used to look like (and how much protein and energy they used to consume instead of storing up for later).

  4. I’m in the same boat. Losing a hundredweight would be a good start.

    The problem is that the Government won’t let us get on a proper exercise plan. Thrashing a leftist every day provides a good workout, as well as needed correction for the recipient.

  5. Just get out. You and have the same body type and similar diet (I go with Oregon micros myself, but diversity and spice and life and all that) and I gained some weight a few years back when I got too ass-bound. A two or three mile brisk walk 3-4 times a week and I was down 15 pounds inside of 2 months. Put on the headphones and zone out for a bit and go. Good for mind and body.

  6. My wife gave up chocolate, but then started using the 85 – 90% cacao bars (the expensive stuff of course, not baking chocolate) as a treat, or melted into her various coffees. Don’t know if it retains its brain enhancing properties in coffee but she enjoys it and it takes care of the chocolate cravings even though its not sweet.

    I’ve snuck a piece now and again, and its tolerable; I could acquire the taste for it with some effort.

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