5 Worst Pieces Of Advice

Ranked in ascending order of awfulness:

  • Cops like it when you playfully wave a gun at them during a traffic stop
  • If you don’t like the Republican candidate, vote for the Democrat as a protest
  • The Second Amendment will protect you from arrest if you’re carrying a handgun in New Jersey
  • Not all women are like that
  • Swipe right — hey, you’re in Bangkok; what could possibly go wrong?

Your suggestions in Comments.


  1. Skunks love it when you hold them by the tail and rub their fur the wrong way.

    Pissing on an electric fence makes beautiful sparks.

    Sex life a bit bland? Call out another woman’s name during your orgasm to really get her moving.

    Barbecue too hot? Liquid Oxygen is nice and cold and will cool it off without smothering the flames.

    Alcohol makes you smarter and more good looking.

    (I could go on all day before I’d even had to start making things up)

  2. If you are unsure if they set the explosives up in your area, just ask on the walkie talkie.

    Get that (blank) studies degree, everyone loves hiring studious people.

    If you fill your pool with rice, you can swim without having to worry about water damage to your cell phone.

    The enemy is going to look for guys in camo, so you can hide by wearing day-glo sweats.

    Gorillas make great pets.

  3. When your wife says about some brilliant idea you may have, “Do whatever you want honey”, go ahead and do it.

  4. 1. Women love honesty. Tell her, “No, Dear. It’s your ass that makes that outfit look small”.
    2. Ted’s a great driver and you’ll love his Oldsmobile.
    3. Don’t worry about middle America. They’ll never elect Donald Trump.

  5. -Outlaw bikers are big jokers, and love it when people insult them or their motorcycles.

    -All alcohol is pretty much the same, so feel free to drink any kind you have available.

    -No tread on your tyres means they’ll have the same amount of grip as racing slicks.

    -All large animals you see in national parks are tame and just love posing for photos with people. Especially the big predators like bears.

    -Need money in a hurry? Your local Mafia guys are more than happy to loan you all the money you need. And better still, no tedious application or other paperwork!

  6. That Ford Pinto is a great little car – inexpensive, stylish, and its really good on gas.
    Hey let’s bomb Pearl Harbor. The Americans are too lazy, ignorant, and cowardly to do anything about it.

    1. If we’re going historic:
      -You CAN invade Russia from the west! And don’t worry about winter clothes.
      -Mass infantry charge against entrenched troops with machine guns will work. Eventually. Persistence is key here.
      -That Genghis guy just talks loud. Show him you’re not to be messed with by killing his ambassadors.
      -Infantry? Who needs it! No real knight lets a rabble of commoners get between him and glory on the battlefield. Besides, it’s not like a bunch of longbows are going to amount to much.
      -Aircraft are sometimes nice for scouting, but real naval victory takes dreadnoughts. It’s not like those Japanese can fly in any way, shape, or form.

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