Tag: Humor

Stuff that makes me laugh

News Update

Bad News

No sponsor wanted to support this Roundup, which given its content, is not all that surprising.  So here we go:


...so Captain Jack Sparrow won’t use a gun in any Pirates movie in future?  LOL


...I’m out of the loop on this stuff.  Does this actually mean anything?


...in tomorrow’s news, cakes, biscuits and chips may prevent cancer.


...hey, if Russia was my next-door neighbor, I’d probably do the same.


...and once again, no mention of flogging or impaling.


...Lynda Carter, Angelina Jolie, Sigourney Weaver and Halle Berry were unavailable for comment.


...and it would be just as enjoyable to flog you with a sjambok for an hour or two, you fucking sicko.


...wait wait wait, I’ve been wanting to say this for years… the defense: “Bitch had it coming.”


...suicide?  No?  Then I’m not interested, and nor are any of my Readers.


...quoi?  Shome mishtake, surely.

And more from the “Hey, It Could Happen!” Department:

  
…and:


…

Damn Spelchek.

From the bowels of INSIGNIFICA:

 
 
..fellow rappers Carpet and Adjacent could not be reached for comment.

Finally, not our regular Paige 3, but from one of the original sources:

 

And that’s it, till next week.

Good Return

Crime

As I get older, more cynical and less fearful of this Game we call Life, stories like this have a strange appeal — and not necessarily from good intentions, as you will see.  Here’s the executive summary:

Guy gets hired by a company, and over a period of nine years swindles enough money to fund a “fantasy lifestyle of Las Vegas and New York trips, stays in The Ritz and Savoy and Harrods shopping sprees”.

Thinking about it in the Murkin idiom, that would mean trips to London and Monaco, staying at the Ritz and Fairmont, and of course Harrods shopping sprees.   (The story also mentions that the man paid for house improvements, but never mind that nonsense.)

Which brings me to the point.  Eventually, the gravy train came to an end when Freddie The Fraudster was caught (ironically, through invoices for his house improvements), and he’s just been sentenced to five years in jail.

So let’s see.  If I somehow stumbled onto a scheme like this, I’d live the life of Reilly for nine years (taking me to age 77), and then get to spend my dotage (assuming I even got that far) in government-subsidized accommodation with free food and healthcare until I snuffed it.

Five years of boarding school in return for nine years of utter hedonism?

Granted, there are parts of this story that are truly reprehensible — such as the fact that this mope was hired by a good man who wanted to give him a second chance at life, and he repaid the kindness by stealing the company blind for nearly a decade.  That’s about as bad as it gets, and under those circumstances I would never countenance doing the same as the prisoner in the dock.

But if I could do the same while being employed by a wealthy stranger (or even better, Global MegaCorp Inc.)…

Not to mention:

Don’t even talk about it.

Unfortunately, I have a conscience, and her name is New Wife.  So none of that’s gonna happen.

News Roundup

Bad News

Sponsored by the makers of: 

And on we go:


...confirming what everyone (except the WHO) knew all along. Also:


…confirming what everyone (except Fauci) knew all along.  Ergo:


...

From our International News Desk:


...you had me at “French surrender”.


...their shithole country, their shitty rules.


...sounds more like a Frank Zappa album title. [/Weasels Ripped My Flesh]

And from the Dept. of Cultural Assimilation:


...no good deed goes unpunished;  nor does stupidity.  By the way, this now happens so often in Sweden that it’s no longer reported.


...report does not mention lynching, unfortunately.


...man, these pervos are getting kinda grabby, aren’t they?  Also:
 

And in the same vein:


…


...ya thank?


...which, by the way, you richly deserve.

And from the INSIGNIFICA files:

     

   


...you fuck strangers for money, on camera:  what’s to misconceive?   Anyway:


(By the way:  she’s a squirter, according to her bio.)

Worth $9 a month on OnlyFans?  I report, you decide.

And there ya go:  these are the times we live in.

Monday Funnies

Funny Stuff

Ah yes, Mondays;  when you need to get to work, but there are just a few things you have to fix first…

So to help the process along, here are a few things that might make you feel better… or not.

Mystery solved:

And there you have it.

Oh, I almost forgot:

I was going to say something witty in conclusion, but BOOBS.

Diddly Squat

Business, Gummint

Ben Ainslie and his wife Georgia Thompson are probably not known to many Murkins, although in the yachting world he’s very well known as the most successful Olympic sailor of all time, not to mention the head of Britain’s America’s Cup team.

So during the Covid Lockdown Silliness they created a podcast / TV show called Performance People in which they talk to various successful people such as F1 Mercedes AMG team principal Toto Wolff and his equally-accomplished wife Susie — surely the absolute exemplars of the “power couple”.

The show that got me, however, was their interview with The Greatest Living Englishman and his man Kaleb, on the Diddly Squat Farm.  Funny as always, the pair are wonderfully entertaining, right up until the discussion moves to farming, and what farmers have to deal with.

I have no idea whether our farmers have to put up with the same degree of red tape as the Brits do, but when Jeremy Clarkson points out that the suicide rate for British farmers is the highest of any profession in the U.K., things get really serious.

If you do nothing else today, watch this show.