News Roundup

Let’s start off with a little news about Global Warming Climate Cooling Change©:


...keyword:  Australia.


...so we ban people, then?  Or wait:  if we can reduce Glueball Wormening by a little judicious population pruning, I gotta list.


...and the loss in oil-related revenues will be made up from…?

From the Great Cultural Assimilation Project comes this:



…ummm if yer gonna slag off Jews, you might not want to do it in Miami.  And this just in from Church Chronicles, Islam Division:


...yeah, we all know that ain’t no way to treat a lady — I guess the Muzzies just didn’t get the memo.

In LGBTOSTFU News:


...any bets on the length of his/her jail time, if any?  Anybody?  Bueller?

And in the Dept. of Education:


...see above.

From the Health Department:


...so the choice is:  die or become a vegetable?


...as opposed to down your throat?

Economics News:


...and not just during the holidays, Sparky.


...so Japs are playing the long game in the Let’s Conquer America thing, then.

Further Immigration News:


...fucking hell, if California has become too skanky for Nikki Sixx...

And a Christmas piece:


...could that be a metaphor about the death of Christmas?  I report, you decide.

And in link-free INSIGNIFICA:

 

And in Liz News:


...it’s been a while.  I’m sorry...

That should do, for a while anyway.  Still one of the better ways to show the end of the news.

3 Worst Women

Here are the three worst kinds of women to be romantically involved with, in no specific order:

  • College professors.  They are used to being treated like gods in the classroom, and they expect you to do the same.  Or they’re fucking headcases who teach one of the “___ Studies” courses.
  • HR career women.  Fortunately, these things are generally unspeakably ugly and your chances of getting involved with one of them are slim, unless you’re a masochist in which case you deserve everything you get.
  • Comedians (we used to call them “comediennes”, but now that’s apparently taboo).  If you want every detail — emotional, sexual, whatever — of your private life to become just another part of her act, date one of these grunts*.

*except for Irish comedienne Aisling Bea, who is totally hot and could say anything about me she wanted, as long as I could do unspeakable things to her young Irish body when she’s not on stage.

Phwoarrrrr…

Health Warning

Well, that sucks:

Men are more likely to fracture their penis at Christmas, doctors say.  German medics discovered rates of the eye-watering injury spike over the festive period.

Here’s the background:

Although the penis is not a bone, it can fracture when the appendage is subject to sharp, blunt force. Afterwards, the penis usually resembles an ‘aubergine’, turning purple and swollen.

Ah, so that’s what this emoji means…

…and this one means it’s crying, therefore broken?

Okay, never mind all that.  Here are the Three Major Reasons why you might break your dick over the Christmas period:

  • at the office Christmas party, you get too keen trying to shag that chick from Accounting in the upright position (you know,the one with humongous tatas), and slam into the wall by mistake
  • it’s the only time of year when the old lady relents and gives you a pity fuck, and you can’t remember how it works after so long a layoff [sic]
  • when you get your annual hand job (see above), instead of acting like a lady, she goes all Boston Strangler on your manhood.

Feel free to add your own ideas, in Comments.