Your suggestions in Comments.
Tag: Humor
Stuff that makes me laugh
News Roundup
None of the news that’s fit to print.
…welcome to our world, Limey bastards.
…pretty much the same as you’d get if your taxes were super low, only you’d have more money in your pocket.
…so in other words: it’s just like influenza and the common cold, is it?
…I have an abiding wish that we were actually as bad as they say we are. Wouldn’t we have fun? Instead, we’re law-abiding, vote and have jobs, which prevent us all from cutting their throats.
…so theft is okay, as long as only a few people are affected? Got it.
…it’s called the “grasping at straws” tactic.
…couldn’t happen to a nicer Socialist.
…he could pick the Tooth Fairy as his AG: still not gonna happen.
…could we import a few of these judges into the U.S.? They have a better idea of freedom than most of ours. And they speak Spanish, and everything.
…Mommy, why were all the boys following me around the playground?
…it’s a strange way to say, “I haven’t had a man inside me for six months and I’m starting to ache”, but whatever.
…somebody remind me of all those arguments against the death penalty.
And just to show that it’s not all bad news:
No need to thank me, it’s all part of the service etc. etc.
Chart-Toppers
Every so often, something is said or written that deserves to be memorialized in stone. Since the start of the new millennium, I’ve identified two — one from each decade — that I think are the best.
2001 – 2010: “Democracy — Whisky — Sexy” (Iraq)
There is no better encapsulation of the benefits of Western society.
2011 – 2020: “Don’t Trust China — China Is Asshole” (Hong Kong)
Six words that can (and should) direct U.S. foreign and domestic policy, forever.
That both were written on signs displayed by foreigners means that we need to up our game.
Wisdom Of The Ages
From the 17th century, an anonymous writer talks about coffee:
“Coffee Collects and settles the Spirits, makes the erection more Vigorous, the Ejaculation more full, adds a spiritualescency to the Sperme, and renders it more firm and suitable to the Gusto of the womb, and proportionate to the ardours and expectations too, of the female Paramour.”
I’m too old, too impotent and too infertile to worry about all that stuff. All I know is that before my morning cuppa of Dunkin’ Donuts Regular, my attitude towards the world can be summed up thus:
Granted, the addition of coffee to my system doesn’t change my mood that much
…but I do go from murderous to simply dangerous. so there’s that.
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to the Keurig.
Monday Funnies
Aaaaargh…
I hate being woken up by the alarm clock on Monday mornings.
So to give me time to pick up all the pieces off the floor, a little of Teh Funny:
Sounds okay. And on that topic, a few women who may or may not be intoxicated:
Right… time for that second gin. It’s Monday, remember?
5 Worst Drunken Regrets
When you wake up with a crippling hangover, and discover the consequences of the previous night’s carousing. Ranked in order of ascending horror:
- a wedding ring on your finger, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez lying in bed next to you
- the ashes of your passport, in your Bucharest hotel room
- Polaroid pictures of a naked you and the Ukrainian “escort” you met in the bar last night
- an aching anus and a card with the inscription: “Thanks for a wonderful evening — Brian Boitano”
- ownership title documents for a Toyota Prius.
Your suggestions (may be personal or hypothetical) in Comments.