Bunny Boilers

Over at Britain’s The Sun  litterbox-liner, there’s a regular column devoted to sex (of course) under the monicker of “Dear Deidre”.  Now I happen to think that the “letters” are total fiction (see:  Penthouse Letters etc.), but that doesn’t mean that the situations are irrelevant. [/Dan Rather]

Here’s one example:  a guy starts bonking someone not his wife, for all the usual reasons.  At first, it’s happy-happy-fun-fun times:

She was wearing just a dressing gown when I got there. She led me to her bedroom and we had sex. She clearly loved it and so did I.


…she became very demanding and started expecting sex three or four times a week.
I found it difficult to keep up with her and even got Viagra-type pills off the internet.

I know:  we should all be so lucky, right? Read on:

I’ve tried to cut down seeing my lover to once a week but she says that isn’t enough.
She wants us to get together properly and drops hints that she will tell my wife what we have been doing if I attempt to back away.
It was great at first but she scares me now.

Yeah, he deserves everything that happens to him, the louse etc. etc.  But let me tell you:  something like this happened to me many years ago — not as a husband, thank gawd, but as a boyfriend with a sorta-steady girlfriend — and it was a horrible situation.

It ended badly (no details necessary) — at least in a more-or-less civilized fashion — but I should point out that this doesn’t happen every time.  More often than not, lives are ruined by shit like this.  It’s the obverse of the jilted ex-boyfriend stalking the woman and his replacement, and the really bad thing about situations like this is that they sometimes don’t end violently, but they often do.

And it’s easy to be all virtuous and self-righteous, but if I know one thing about men, it’s that we fuck up, sometimes even when we know better.

I have a theory that every man has lurking out there, at least one woman who has the power to make him lose his reason.  Some men never meet that woman, and they are the lucky ones.  Others do, and fall.  I have encountered four.  The only positive thing about getting to my age is that after while you get to recognize these dangerous women and are prepared for the thunderbolt.  And even then, you could still screw up.  There are no guarantees.  It’s a jungle, and sometimes we men are not the predators, but the prey.

As Desk Sergeant Phil Esterhaus used to say every day:  be careful out there.

Basic Difference

I think the essential difference in perspective between men and women is whether you think the following pics (courtesy of Longtime Friend And Ex-Drummer Knob) represent yoga exercises or possible sex positions.

Just my opinion, of course.

Polls That Matter

According to this “relationship expert” [eyecross], Australian men prefer these features in a woman:

…which leads me to deduce the following:

Australian men are fucking liars.

That, or they’re so pussywhipped it hardly bears thinking about.  (Any man who values “playfulness” over “loyalty”, to consider just one example, is hardly worth being included in the male species.)  And history is replete with men who are unable to tell their partner’s eye color after even three dates.

Of course, this “study” could have been compromised by sample bias — if the respondents came primarily from Melbourne’s Fitzroy or St. Kilda districts, for instance, one could easily see why the poll should rather have been entitled “What Hipster  Men Value In Women”.

Also, anything written by a “relationship expert” should probably be roundly ignored, anyway.

Old Goats

Ripped from Teh Hedlynes:

A man in his 90s with an excessive sex drive was among eight patients aged over 70 treated by the NHS for their addiction to sex.
Over the last seven years 170 people have been referred to the NHS with sex addiction.  Eight of these patients were aged over 70.

Leaving aside for the moment whether a taxpayer-funded medical service should be treating stuff like this (Cliff Notes:  NO), I have to wonder what the hell is going on in the world.

I want to know what constitutes an “excessive sex drive” in the first place.  I remember a woman talking about her late father, who “had sex all the time, every day, with everything:  women, men, animals, raw meat, whatever happened to be there at the moment.”  He also raped his wife, both daughters and several members of his extended family.  This being back in the 1940s when people didn’t talk about this kind of thing because of shame, he was never even charged with a crime, let alone imprisoned.

I would suggest that this constitutes a sex addiction — and today, of course, he probably wouldn’t face much of a sentence either because, you see, sex addiction is a disease and he is a sufferer[eyecross]

I’m curious to see how the “sex addiction” of our 90-year-old goat compares.  I doubt it measures up.

And frankly, with the exception of extreme cases such as the one I described above, I’m calling bullshit on the whole concept.  In a nation with a population the size of the U.K., 170 such cases over seven years doesn’t even register as a rounding error.  More people are probably prone to whistling uncontrollably whenever they see a brick, but you won’t see them sprinting over to the nearest hospital for treatment.

Anyway, as long as these “addicts” are not endangering the wellbeing of others — pestering their wives, ignoring their their families in favor of prostitutes and wanking twenty times a day don’t count — my suggestion is to leave them alone.

If, however, they start committing actual crimes by going all rapey and molesting children, for instance, then castrate them and lock them up forever.

Dirty Minds

There’s the old joke of a guy whose wife forces him to go and  see a pyschologist because he’s obsessed with sex.  The psych wants to test him, shows him this pic and asks the man to tell him what he sees:

The man says, “That’s my hard, rampant cock.”  The psych looks puzzled, but shows the man the next pic:

“Oh,” says the man, “That’s my sexy next-door neighbor’s inviting pussy, just waiting for me to stick my big, hard cock into it.”   The last pic is shown:

“Aargh,” the man cries, “That’s my frigid wife, with her legs crossed so I can’t fuck her.”

The psych makes a note and says, “You really are obsessed with sex, aren’t you?”  To which the man replies:

“Well, you’re the one showing me those filthy pornographic pictures!”

In that vein, here are some pictures of similar suggestiveness:

And finally, the importance of not going with first impressions:

The story behind the Swisse Me fruit pics is here.  Watch the video.

Oh, and speaking of fruit, here’s the album cover from 70s band Juicy Lucy:

I miss album covers.

More Lockdown Problems

What was that about familiarity breeding contempt?

Three Brits having affairs during the lockdown have revealed their stories as they look for ways to spice up being in isolation.
Speaking to FEMAIL, the trio – all of whose names have been changed – revealed how they have taken to FaceTime sex and affairs from their city pad as they struggle to deal with the restrictions.

This comes as the UK’s leading affairs site Illicit Encounters reported a 15 per cent rise in activity in the last month.
More than half of male members (54 per cent) said they had initiated new affairs in the last four weeks, with the main reason for this rise being ‘boredom’ sparked by being stuck at home in the lockdown.
Meanwhile almost half of female members (46 per cent) had made contact with a new male partner in the last four weeks, revealing that the crisis had exposed the weakness of their main relationship and made them realise they needed ‘fresh stimulus’.

So far, the only extramarital business adversely affected by the “stay at home” policy seems to be prostitution, and that’s not going to last long either.  When it comes to strange nookie, people will always find a way.

This, however, will undoubtedly be true:

‘There is going to be an explosion of affairs when the lockdown ends – a long, glorious summer of sex. The Roaring Twenties are really going to take off.’