I’m applying for the job.
Just think of my initial report descriptions:
Jesuslanders are irrationally opposed to sexualization of 3-year-olds. Send $125,000 so I can investigate this strange mindset further by polling studies.
Inexplicably, gun ownership appears to be a big thing here. Send $125,000 so I can build a small arsenal and see what all the fuss is about.
Texans somehow think that people should be allowed to buy medical insurance to suit their own needs and means. (To Accounting: Please send $10,000 to cover my recent out-of-network medical expenses.)
I have discovered that in 2018, various voting districts went 75% for Trump. As these districts are all over the state, and Texas is apparently a bit bigger than New Jersey, please authorize an additional $145,000 in travel expenses so I can visit these distant worlds, so to speak, and investigate whether there were any voting irregularities.
Feel free to add your suggestions as to other things that the Washington Post will need me to cover.