Whenever journalists run out of material to write about, or want to give their mouths a rest from kissing Socialist politicians’ asses, they compile lists. Here’s one featuring the “Sexiest Movies“, for example.
Now as any fule kno, “sexy” is as much in the eye of the beholder [sic] as “taste” is when comparing, say, wines. What causes paroxysms of delight in one may cause another to gag — such as a sweet dessert wine, a dry red wine, or seeing Rosie O’Donnell in leather.
My apologies… give me a moment, here:
Anyway, I think I’ve made my point. Here are the movies adjudged “most sexy” by whatever people answered the survey:
I must admit I haven’t seen all of them, but let me state that homo / lesbo movie sex scenes do nothing for me — they turn me on about as much as watching animals mate on NatGeo TV shows — which eliminate some from the list altogether.
I am likewise uninterested in movies whose aim is to seduce an underage virgin girl (or boy), which takes care of Cruel Intentions, American Beauty and Notes On A Scandal, none of which are sexy other than for prurient interest. (Also Lolita: the movies and the novel.)
I think we need to define what constitutes a sexy movie: one raunchy scene (e.g. Basic Instinct ), a whole bunch of nudity with some sex (Eyes Wide Shut ) or explicit sex scenes.
Let me clear the latter out of the way first: 9 Songs, Gaspar Noël’s Love and Catherine Breillat’s Romance and Anatomy of Hell (French: Anatomie de l’enfer ) are pretty much just bonkfests all the way through. (The last three are also, whether by design or by mistake, among the most depressing movies ever made, and 9 Songs isn’t far behind. You have been warned.) Shows that have sex as the central theme are seldom sexy, which is why 50 Shades and Secretary, for example, are terribly unsexy. (I thought Secretary was funny, which just shows my taste.) If you’re going to watch a movie just for sex, rent Oui Girls, Up ‘N Coming or The Young Like It Hot and have done with it.
As for the rest: the Jack Nicholson version of The Postman Always Rings Twice is sexier than any of the movies on the list, as is Dennis Quaid’s The Big Easy (Ellen Barkin: “I haven’t ever had any luck when it comes to sex.” Dennis Quaid: “Well, chère, your luck’s about to change.”)
I haven’t seen Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona because I’m not a huge fan of his movies, but I’ve been told that it’s brilliant — unlike all his other stuff except Midnight In Paris, which is — so I’ve put it on The List.
So there you have it: twelve of the thirteen “sexiest” movies fail the Kim Test for sexy. Whether that says more about me than it does the respondents, I’ll leave up to you.