5 Worst Drunken Regrets

When you wake up with a crippling hangover, and discover the consequences of the previous night’s carousing.  Ranked in order of ascending horror:

  • a wedding ring on your finger, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez lying in bed next to you
  • the ashes of your passport, in your Bucharest hotel room
  • Polaroid pictures of a naked you and the Ukrainian “escort” you met in the bar last night
  • an aching anus and a card with the inscription:  “Thanks for a wonderful evening — Brian Boitano”
  • ownership title documents for a Toyota Prius.

Your suggestions (may be personal or hypothetical) in Comments.


  1. Waking up next to your ex.

    Waking up next to your ex AND her new boyfriend.

    A tattoo of Hillary Clinton on your forehead.

  2. I recall a USAF buddy of mine after a night of wretched excess in New Orleans waking up in the hotel, screaming and running to the window. After a short look into the parking lot, he turned back to us and said “Sorry – I dreamed I bought a Buick.”

  3. Enlisting the cat to help search for the missing Ducati, then suddenly remembering it is filled with helium.
    Then suddenly realizing the coming collapse of TheFreeWorld© is tied directly to pillows on the couch.

    Some find Alexandaria O’Casio-Cortez quite the fetching ingenue…

  4. I dare say Polaroids of a Thai hooker have the potential, if not probability, of being much worse than a Ukrainian one.

    At least you can be pretty sure the Ukrainian one is a girl.

  5. This one is sort of small time in money, but it goes back to the far off days when a $20 bill was more than a day’s pay for a young and foolish sailor.

    A guy that I worked with came back to the ship with a new watch. We called these watches “Hey Joe” models because they were sold by 10 or 12 year old kids who called out “Hey Joe – you wanna buy a watch Joe?” as we passed. At first glance they looked to be high end pieces and were sold for ten to twenty bucks American (no Philippine currency accepted).

    My friend had taken on a very substantial load of San Miguel beer and decided to invest in a new watch. The next morning he showed off his new timepiece and realized that it wasn’t running. He tried to wind it and still nothing so he popped the back off the watch. The case was as empty as Joe Biden’s head. $20 for a watch with no internal parts back in the day when a bottle of beer was fifty centavos in Olongapo City. If I did the maths right at the exchange rate of eight pesos to the dollar, twenty bucks would buy you and all of your friends a heck of a lot of beer, or rent the attention of a young lady and a lot of beer.

Comments are closed.