“Dear Dr. Kim”

“Dear Dr. Kim:
I would like more variety in sex but my wife is only interested in vanilla sex – and not much of that.  We got married when we were 18 and inexperienced.  It was the first serious relationship for both of us.  We are 46 now with two grown-up daughters.  Now should be our time but my wife has no interest in sex.  I told her I want to improve our sex life but she says sex is the last thing on her mind.  She hates her breasts being touched. She says oral sex does nothing for her and will not even allow me to try.  I now get it from her once every six months.  She says she can take sex or leave it but it is killing my spirit.  What advice do you have for me?”

— Sex-Starved Monkey

Dear Starved:

I am usually against the modern strain of advice which urges youngins to move in together before they’re married so that they can see if they’re sexually compatible.  Then every so often I see a situation like yours, and that advice doesn’t seem so bad after all.

You didn’t say what your sex life was like right after you got married and before you had kids, but I’m willing to guess that it wasn’t that great to start off with.  But that’s all water under the bridge, so let’s see what you can do now in order to get your leg over a little more often.

My advice is to start a new hobby, a solitary one which takes you out of the house for extended periods of time each week — birdwatching, target shooting, maybe fishing, something of that nature.  Start doing that as soon as possible, and invite the Ice Queen to join you — in fact, insist on her joining you for at least the first few times.  She’ll get bored eventually, and will refuse to come along with you.

Then, and only  then, is when you can get yourself a mistress.  Under cover of your hobby, you’ll have time a-plenty to indulge yourself in carnal pleasures such as oral sex and breast stroking of the non-aquatic variety.  Believe it or not, many women of your age have sympathy for men such as you and will gladly help you out.  It’s called “friends with benefits” nowadays, and it is far preferable to spending time and money on hookers.  (Avoid that option like the plague, because that’s precisely one of the risks, of course.)

There’s only one word of caution I have for you.  You may fall in love with Miss Part-Time, or she with you, or both with each other.  At that point, it’s Grown-Up Time:  you may have to make the decision whether you want to leave the Ice Queen and turn Miss Part-Time into Miss Full-Time.  (Or, gawd forbid, into Mrs. Full-Time.  Don’t do that unless you want your lovely new sex life to disappear like snow on a hot summer’s day.  Learn from your mistakes.)

On the other hand, if you love the Ice Queen despite the no-sex thing, or don’t want to risk leaving the poor excuse of marriage that you have, or realize that you can live with twice-a-year crap sex, then don’t do any of what I just said.  Do what countless men in your predicament do all over the world, and watch lots of Internet porn while wanking yourself into insensibility.  Don’t feel guilty about it, either:  the male sex urge is undeniable and pretty much unstoppable.  I’m not saying you should flaunt that activity in front of the Ice Queen, of course — a gentleman should be discreet about this kind of thing — but if she does catch you in flagrante delicto, do not apologize.  The fault is hers, not yours.  (If she freaks out and says, “I can’t live with a pervert like you”, then take her up on her unspoken invitation.)

One last, and possibly unworthy thought.  Did it ever occur to you that the Ice Queen doesn’t have a problem with sex, but only sex with you?  Are you a slob, or a boor or anything like that?  If you are, then that may be your problem, and not a frigid wife.  If you are not that guy, your wife may not want sex with you because she’s getting it somewhere else.  (I personally doubt it, but it’s worth looking into.)

Good luck, and happy wanking.

— Dr. Kim

Normal disclaimer / obligatory warning for stupid people:

Dr. Kim isn’t a doctor, doesn’t play one on TV (but has been known to do so with unsuspecting women on an ad-hoc basis).  His advice should be taken with a metric tonne of salt and two metric tonnes of humor, and should be followed with extreme care.  Dr. Kim takes no responsibility for outcomes of separation, violence, divorce or strange diseases stemming from the adoption of his advice.


  1. I realize this is intended as humor, but when you say “Are you a slob, or a boor or anything like that?”, it’s equally (or moreso) likely he’s not getting any because he’s too NICE a guy. Ask me how I know this, go ahead. If I had a dime for every time a woman complained to me about the lack of nice guys I’d have a metric shit-load of dimes.

    As Jeff Foxworthy noted, women say that want a “dangerous” guy, but if you marry a dangerous guy you’re going to find yourself on an episode of Cops, wearing a tube top in a trailer park, yelling “Lock his ass UP!”

    1. We already KNOW he’s a “nice guy” because he hasn’t tossed her frigid ass out onto the street before now.

      1. For a man tossing her frigid ass out onto the street can be an expensive proposition. Or to quote Jeff Foxworthy once again “If she ain’t happy, you ain’t happy, and if he ain’t happy enough long enough, you’re gonna be unhappy with half your stuff.”

    2. Why is it that women seem determined to turn their beloved prince sons into something they themselves would not have touched on a dare when they were in their teens and twenties?
      We are familiar with the concept of “Baby Daddy” when talking about fathers and children among the underclass, but why are supposedly upper class women similarly desirous of shutting the father out of daily relations with the child except to clean, change, and pay?

  2. Invite the new hottie(s) to dinner at your home.
    After the wife meets her, she may realize that ‘lack of interest’ nonsense was just a control game.
    Competition, dear boy.

    1. LOL Marge, that’s a rookie mistake.
      The next thing you know, Ice Queen and Miss Part Time will become friends, gang up on him, and he’ll be doubly miserable.
      Don’t ask me how I know this.
      — Dr. Kim

    2. Ex saw I was happy when I started getting some and immediately tried to reopen the game with her. So competition can lead somewhere. Ask the frigid one if since she doesn’t want sex anymore can he have discrete side action since he didn’t sign on to be a priest. What’s the downside, he already isn’t getting any and she might say yes but get it in writing.

Comments are closed.