Of Course It Does

For all those fools people who have been eating white meat instead of red meat because Studies Show That Red Meat Will Kill You Dead, here’s the latest study:

Eating chicken puts consumers at a higher risk of a rare form of blood cancer, non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, as well as prostate cancer in men, according to researchers from Oxford University.

Of course, my skepticism about all these “studies” has been well-documented, and no doubt the next study will say that in fact, eating chicken will cure  cancer, not cause it.

Red meat stops your heart, poultry gives you cancer, cannibalism seems to be illegal, and no  meat causes your brain to shrink.  So basically, we’re fucked.  To quote a well-known sage (Joe Jackson):  everything  gives you cancer.

Next thing they’ll be telling us that it’s not the full English breakfast that will kill you, it’s the pint of gin you wash it down with.

Like that’s going to stop me.


  1. Pick yer poison.

    “Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.”

    I say, “Moderation in all things.”, and that’s probably the best you can do.

  2. So… chicken causes non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, huh? Judging by all the lawyer groups going after Monsanto, I thought only weed killer did that.

    If I were a lawyer for the corporation, I would call a cancer expert to the stand and have him/her begin listing everything that might cause non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, then ask the plaintiffs if they had ever used any of these products (Have you EVER eaten ANY chicken, EVER?)

    I see all those $100 bazillion settlements disappearing real fast.

  3. I have heard various greenies and health nuts lament the “Southern Diet” (fried chicken, biscuits and gravy, etc.) as the cause of southern men keeling over from a massive coronary before they turn 50. My response is “Maybe so, but they were smilin’ when they did, and they still had their boots on”.

    Which reminds me, wife and I are due for a trip to Babe’s–


  4. Oxygen causes cancer. The proof is that if you remove oxygen from the test subject’s environment they will never develop cancer.

  5. Damn white meat, racist, frick’n, Christian Chicken-sam-iches made with those big Dolly Parton oversize chicken breast from the right side of the chicken, of course they have to be evil and cause cancer and make your dingus fall off if you live long enough, studies have shown.

  6. I’m starting to wonder if dietary science is seeking to come up with a unified theory of nutrition but there is just enough biological diversity among humans that there is no one set of dietary recommendations that will work for everyone. It seems that until nutritionists can explain why the guy who drinks a gallon of wine and eats a pound of bacon every day lives to be 105 but the exercise-obsessed dude who zealously follows whatever the dietary trend happens to be drops dead of a massive heart attack at 68.

    1. Alcohol helps the blood be slippery, which keeps it flowing past the bacon.

      Jim Fix, the running guru and author, dropped dead of something called a fulminant heart attack, at age 52. Despite all that running, and diet, and clean living, which supposedly would keep his arteries ultra clear of plaque, his autopsy revealed that atherosclerosis had blocked one coronary artery 95%, a second 85%, and a third 70%.

      In contrast, Peter O’Toole, who once commented favorably on the experience of going out for a drink at one’s local bar in Paris and waking up in Cannes three days later, lived to be 81.

  7. My wife and I raise beef (angus) on our cattle and crop farm.

    Every time I see our cattle, I get hungry.

    We also have many acres of beautiful blooming cotton.

    And tons of places to shoot.

  8. A while back, maybe skimming magazines in the doctor’s office, I read that 93% of people who die, die in bed.
    I’ve been sleeping on the floor ever since, maybe for 30+ years now, and I’m still here.
    I think people sometimes forget (or choose to ignore) the difference between correlation and causation.

    1. This was the punchline of a joke I remember from High School German 47 years ago, in which a newspaper reporter was interviewing a race car driver and asked him if he wasn’t afraid of dying, driving so fast. The drive asked the reporter where his parents died, and his grandparents. “In bed, he replied.” “So you’re not afraid to go to bed each evening?”

  9. I swear the diet nazis are working on putting warning labels on meat. They almost had it when they had everyone believing that fat made you fat and cholesterol in the diet directly led to cholesterol on the artery walls.

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