Stuff that makes me laugh
…about Titanic 5:
…and finally, from MasterCard*:
*okay, maybe not.
Finally, a few Good News! items:
...more like this, please.
...especially with breakfast, as I’ve always maintained. That said, I’m not exactly sold on the benefits of living another thirty-odd years. And:
...just waitin’ for that Fort Sumter Moment.
...of course, that headline’s an outright lie. Bitch got got busted for forgery (the actual charge). Still, jailing “climate activists”, whatever the reason, is a worthy activity [sic].
...and in Massachusetts, even.
But back to the usual Catalog Of Catastrophes:
...we know all that, Ted. Question is: what are YOU going to do about it?
...and here’s a good example of where to start. And then here:
...gosh, if only someone had written a book about this over a decade ago.
In International Affairs:
...well, we all know the Pals are crazier than rats on PCP.
In Showbiz News:
...”wealthy Black men” would be my first guess.
...although I don’t think that’s quite the “piling on” the old perv envisaged.
...leading to the brilliant British definition of an “influencer”: “A mouthy cunt on Instagram.”
And among the irrelevancies known to us all as INSIGNIFICA:
...and once again, if you actually understand any of that, you need to get a life.
In Sporting News:
...the official NCAA line being: “You can’t get rich by exploiting your bodies; only we can get rich by exploiting your bodies.” And speaking of bodies:
...who she, you ask?
So, back from Amalfi to our dreary reality, thus endeth Da Nooz.
For some reason, that pic made me think of the Gummint. Hence the following:
From the despairing New Wife:
And after all that:
Now hand me that can-opener and get on with your day.
Update: From ever-alert Reader and former Army CPT David B. comes this note:
“Just a heads-up. On the lovely ladies in body armor, you indicated you wanted a can opener. My belief is that those are military uniforms, so a P-38 can opener would be the prescribed tool.”
And in this, the (extended) 300th(!) News Roundup, a segue:
From our Dear Leader:
...has anyone told him that the Covidiocy is over?
...probably for the best — he’d only fuck things up irretrievably by referring to Belgium as “Germany”.
And in other LGBTOSTFU News:
...doesn’t matter because nobody watches women’s tennis. Might as well let giraffes play, as well.
In the Dept. of (In)Justice files:
...so can we expect Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden to be indicted soon, for precisely the same offense as Trump is supposed to have committed?
...yeah, but she’s a Democrat. Forgive me for sounding cynical.
In ShowBiz! News:
...never mind, Disney will cast Amy Schuler as Jack Sparrow in the next episode, and all will be well. Also:
...”accidentally”.
...he’s been a total tool for over forty years; why should he change now? And speaking of tools:
...please adjust your target coordinates accordingly, because he’s worse than Daddy.
...just another feather in the cap of the Biden administration’s foreign policy (see: Afghanistan, Saudi Arabia, etc.).
From the Dept. of Global Cooling Climate Warming Change:
...EVERYBODY PANIC!!!! Or not.
From the Dept. of Child Molestation Education:
...looking at the next Teacher Of The Year, here.
...that’s nice of you, but it’s not going to forestall the hangings. And speaking of people to be hanged:
...mind the step, Fatboi.
And in your favorite INSIGNIFICA:
...and if anyone actually understands what any of that means, you need to get a life. Also: “Snoochie” sounds like a euphemism for a lady’s love tunnel.
And finally:
...”incredible” being the mot juste. Honestly, if Salma isn’t the sexiest woman alive, then she’s #1(a). Or the rating criteria are totally screwed up.
It’s a fine way to end the 300th Roundup, anyway.
Your suggestions in Comments.
I note this development with something approaching gloom:
Amber Heard has finally paid Johnny Depp the $1million settlement she owed him after their bitter legal battle – as the Pirates of the Caribbean star vows to split it five ways among his favorite charities.
Depp and his ex-wife eventually settled their defamation claims against each other in December after five years of furious legal battles.
I know, ’tis a noble thing to do, giving away that demented tart’s money to worthy causes etc. etc. And I know that Depp has enough money so that he can afford to give a million spondulicks away.
But I also wish he’d spent just a little of that money on something completely frivolous — say, a flashy Ferrari with a custom plate reading “BYTE MEBTCH” — because there’s nothing like creating a constant reminder to all the other gold-digging whores (thank you, Bill Burr) who want to enrich themselves at their wealthy paramours’ expense.
Actually, it would be a public service.