Stuff that makes me laugh
Seen in some newspaper article or other Somewhere On Teh Intarwebz (SOTI):
…a.k.a. the “You Don’t Say!” department.
That said, I once made a used-car salesman so angry that he challenged me to a fight outside the showroom. Connie just looked at him, then looked at me and said: “Just don’t kill him, okay?”
Challenge was withdrawn.
A Texas woman was left with brutal injuries after she was viciously attacked by both a snake and a hawk while mowing her lawn.
Peggy Jones told how she’d been on a tractor mower when the snake fell out of the sky and landed on her at her home in Silsbee.
As it began to tighten around her arm, a hawk then swooped down, and began clawing at a defenseless Jones in an effort to grab its prey.
Beat THAT, Australia.
And speaking of quickies:
...candidate for “Most Misleading Headline Of The Year” competition.
...pick and cut? What happened to flaying and impalement? Oh wait… those watermelons. My bad.
Some Political News:
…
...a simple glance at past Soviet leaders would emphasize that Commies never give up power voluntarily: they have to die.
…
In International Monetary News:
...three words guaranteed to cause mocking laughter: Euro bailout fund. And speaking of money:
...wait: cash-sniffing dogs? What new totalitarian hell is this?
From the Great Cultural Assimilation Experiment:
…I prefer the old-fashioned term “concentration camp”, myself.
...as opposed to “un-sinister” sex attacks on women?
From the True Crime Dept.:
...I know that criminals are seldom PhD candidates, but… seriously?
In the Woke Chronicles:
...am I the only one getting an ever-larger Schadenböner out of this sorry tale?
Never mind; this next one will cause all boners to wilt like two-week-old lettuce.
...fat, stupid and pervy is no way to go through life, son.
And now it’s time for INSIGNIFICA (and you’ll be SO glad there are no links):
…who they, again?
Finally:
...it’s been a while since we looked at the former newsreader and now Hottest Conservative Babe On The Planet, so here we go:
Is there a better way to end the news than with a pic of Tomi in denim shorts? I think not.
And more from the Stuff That Can Kill You Dept.:
…
...well, you can fuck right off, scientists, because earlier on you told us that a glass of wine will stimulate your heart, prevent scabies and end the spread of Communism.
And now from the Global Cooling Climate Warming Change© Dept., Everybody Panic!!! Office:
…
But it’s not all bad news in this area, because:
...federal “bailout” funds coming in 3…2…1...
Then again:
...so if you can’t terrify us into submission, you want to imprison us? Okay Bernie, my old comrade: might as well start with me. You Commie motherfucker.
From the Foreign News Desk:
...yeah, they don’t need to import spaghetti because they already have noodles.
...she prolly got sick of all the rent boys coming over to their house all the time.
...doing the math, that works out to being raped once every 5 days (kinda like being married, really, except for the “coercive” part).
...errr can anybody point me to those people who love paying rent?
In Political News:
...I took the word “alleged” out of the headline because we all know that there’s nothing “alleged” about it.
Obituaries Etc.
...the anarchic “Pee Wee’s Playhouse” being still the best kids’ TV program ever.
And now, time for INSIGNIFICA:
…going the Full Monty?
And in TV News:
...no idea who she is, but let’s investigate:
And some other views:
Okay, I’d classify her bod at “mildly sensational”, but not bad for someone knocking hard at the 40 door.
Cleans up pretty well, too — well, as much as any of these houris can “clean up”:
And thus, we come to the end of the news.
Found recently in my Inbox (right-click to embiggen):
I know these things are all bullshit — but what if it wasn’t, and I went?
Suggested speech topics in Comments, please.
