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Tag: Humor
Stuff that makes me laugh
Useless Recommendation
Of course, pretty much anything that the loony Gwyneth Paltrow suggests is going to be utter bullshit, but this one… oy.
Finding the perfect gift for the tricky men in your life can prove near-impossible at times – but luckily Gwyneth Paltrow is here to help in the form of her rather unique Father’s Day gift guide, which not only suggests a $64,000 trip to the Arctic Circle as a potential present, but also a male sex toy — a $219 hands-free prostate stimulator from the brand Hugo. (“The base and tip of the device each contain a powerful vibrating motor: the insertable head massages the prostate while the external head delivers satisfying vibrations to the perineum.”)
Frankly, while even the description makes me a little queasy, the only acceptable sex toy that I’d accept to massage my prostate and taint would be Salma Hayek, and even then I’d have to run that by New Wife first.
At least her nails are short and manicured… and you can all stop right there.
Farming Or Party?
Then there’s this little snippet:
About 30 tons — or 60,000 pounds — of ammonium nitrate went missing from a rail car during transit.
Well now: either a couple of farmers have adopted a DIY attitude towards beating the rising costs of fertilizer, or else someone’s planning a party, Timothy McVeigh-style.
The way I feel about our beloved government right now, I find myself feeling curiously… how can I put this? — neutral? uncaring? apathetic?
That kinda thing. Anyway:
The company was shipping the ammonium nitrate in pellet form and believes it may have begun falling out of the rail car at some point during the trip, a Dyno Nobel spokesman told KQED.
“The railcar was sealed when it left the Cheyenne facility, and the seals were still intact when it arrived in Saltdale [Calif.]. The initial assessment is that a leak through the bottom gate on the railcar may have developed in transit,” the spokesperson told the station.
Why, it’s quite the Agatha Christie “locked room” mystery.
And let’s never rule out plain old incompetence, where someone just forgot to lock the delivery spigot underneath the car.
News Roundup
And on the topic of Ford Motor Company:
...this would be like getting upset over pink AR-15s. If FoMoCo wants to target fegelehs for their F-150s, let them.
And still on the Gayness Chronicles:
...the more I read about the EyetiePM, the larger my crush becomes.
And now for some voting “irregularities”:
...”human”, yes; “error” — I don’ theenk so, Miguel.
And speaking of criminals:
...but they’re promising to do better in future.
...may as well read about it here, because you damn sure won’t see it on TV or in the New York fucking Times.
...in the old days, a vibrator used to be enough; now you have to take out its batteries and attach crocodile clips too?
...none of us do, buddy.
From the Heart Of Stone Dept.:
...seems to have been a lot of this going on recently. Me, I have my own anti-pit bull defense. No prizes for guessing what it is.
...even back then, I had little interest in seeing her below-average boobs and well-trodden hairy vag. Now? Some idiot’s going to pay a quarter-mil… it is, as they say, to laugh.
...didn’t believe it at the time, still less now. Besides:
...which says it all, really.
...the nice thing about the BritRoyal Family is that they don’t really care what we think about them, and we don’t care about them, period.
And in further INSIGNIFICA:
...dunno who she is either. But to help you identify her should she get anywhere near you:
And that’s all the news worth spreading.
Monday Funnies
Let’s open with a healthy dose of stupidity…
And on that note:
Now finish dressing and get off [sic] to work.
News Roundup
And speaking of things that can drive you to drink:
...but wait! There’s hope:
...attaboy. I note, by the way, that any money left over after he pays the sharks will be given to some charity. NO. Give it to Daniel Penny, for the income he lost while imprisoned.
In Euroland:
...took you Bohunks a while to realize that, dinnit?
...Italians sure are wussies. No wonder they lost WWII.
Back home:
...maybe in Vegas, that would.
...“possible”? Bitch orchestrated the whole fucking thing, IMO.
But in Global Cooling Climate Warming Change country:
...like my car gets great gas mileage because I never drive it.
...must be playing them Joe Biden press conference videos. Oh wait, that would be the Howls Of Laughter lesson.
And speaking of cartoon characters:
…wait, you mean that all this time, this was… Reggie?
More Queer News:
...forget it, Jake: it’s Los Angeles.
...your trusty Mossberg, some birdshot, a comfortable chair… oh wait, it’s Britishland. Nemmind.
...abandon hope all ye who follow that link.
And in further INSIGNIFICA:
Finally, in more Geriatric Sex News:
...seriously? I mean, for a really old broad, she’s… okay, I guess. I report, you decide:
Still wouldn’t.
And that’s all the news that’s… fit.