Category: Men & Women

Things that men and women do, sometimes to each other

Lookalikes

Men & Women

Back in early 2017, I wrote this:

Now let’s assume we’ve made at least a partial leap from inanimate RealDolls to something a little more lifelike so we can take this situation to the next level. Of course, men being the fantasists that they are, it was only a question of time before sexbots could be offered in “custom” finishes: apparently, for a small premium, one can order a RealDoll which is a licensed replica (replicant?) of various porn stars. Which leads to the next logical step: why not a non-porn star, such as the lovely Mila Jovovich?

Or, for that matter. celebrities such as Paris Hilton?

‘That was definitely no – I can’t even believe they came with me with that request – pretty scary.’

You’re just lucky they even asked you.  Others might not have been so polite.

Tangential thought:  It’s a good thing that the loathsome Larry Flynt is now “the late”.  I can just see a line of “Hustler Celebrity Pussy” dolls, all made using 3D printing, yours for only $49.99 at foul-bastard-dotcom.

I also wrote, in the same post:

Needless to say, this has caused a scramble among movie stars to seek legal protection from having their likenesses used for this purpose without their consent. (As I understand it, a couple of them were too late, and anyway, I foresee a booming black market for unlicensed sexbots replicating all sorts of fantasy women.)

I guess that this is one of the downsides of celebrity — especially when you go to great pains to accentuate your sexuality, e.g. Paris Hilton:

 

Not really my cup of tea, of course, were I to choose a sex doll;  I’d go more for the “Carol Vorderman”  model.

But you all knew that.

Identifier

Men & Women

From now on (if I remember), I’m going to put a little dot at the end of all my posts which can serve as an “identifier” — I mean, if the LGBTOSTFU can do the rainbow thing, then why can’t I, and people of my persuasion, have their own identifier?  Here it is:

And what does that little bee-like color scheme indicate?

Obviously, it depends on your sex as to which one — women or men — that you’re attracted to.  I, for example, and hopelessly attracted to this kind of (massively heterosexual) woman:

 

 

 

I could go on (and on, and on, and on…) but I think you follow my drift, here.

The World’s Luckiest Man II

Men & Women

Some time back, I nominated Norman Reedus as the luckiest man in the world.  Now I see that Actor and Dork Jason Sudeikis may be challenging for the title:

Why?  Because he has slept with, serially, the following women.  First up, Olivia Wilde:

…and then, mere weeks after she left him for some pop star, he’s been assuaging his sorrow by immersing himself in the pudenda of Page 3 Girl Keeley Hazell:

Once again, for the mathematically-inclined:

Maybe it’s not luck, but that’s not for me to establish.

Pull Back A Little?

Men & Women, Movies

Here’s a quote from some young actor who is currently appearing in a TV show about homosexuals (which I’ll never watch):

“It is awkward, but the thing was, on the show we had people called intimacy coordinators and their jobs, they’re amazing, they’re jobs are to help with the sex scenes and everyone doing the sex scenes to feel safe and fine and not awkward.”

Here’s a thought:  if your actors are requiring what is essentially psychological counseling just to get through a sex scene, perhaps you might just want to dial back the sexuality a tad?

Look, I love me a decent sex scene:  Body Heat, Impulse, Zefferelli’s Romeo & Juliet, Don’t Look Now,  Unfaithful and the original The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (not the rape scene, though) — all those and more have been fun as hell to watch, and even now are still quite titillating.

The problem is that as the sexual boundaries have been pushed back on screen, the sex scenes have become not only more explicit, but more intense — and along the way, more harrowing.  Erica Jong once described porno movies as (paraphrasing) after the first ten minutes, you want to fuck somebody, and after the next twenty minutes, you never want to fuck again for the rest of your life.

Modern mainstream movies about sex are like that.  I defy anyone to be anything but depressed after watching Gaspar Noé’s Love, Lars von Trier’s Nymphomaniac , 9 Songs or Anatomie de l’enfer (to name the most extreme examples).  In some of the modern French movies (e.g. Anatomie), I start to feel depressed during the first sex scene, which must be some kind of record.

I’m not suggesting we go back to the Hays Code era, where the husband and wife had to sleep in separate beds, and extra- or non-marital sex had to result in the death of one of the participants (which is downright sick, sicker than the taboo sex).  But seriously:  let’s just leave a little to the imagination, shall we?

Here’s a thought:  if a sex scene means that the actors have written into their contracts that the acts must be performed by a body double,  then dial it back and ditch the sexual stand-ins.  And any sex scene which lasts longer than one (1) minute should be edited until it doesn’t.

Let’s keep it sexy, but also keep it subtle, and short.  Sex doesn’t have to be spelled out — we all know what it’s about.  Here’s an example, from Hitchcock’s North By Northwest :

Anyone remember what this scene cut to?   Yup:  here it is.  Thirty-five seconds.

Not Responsible

Crime, Men & Women

Courtesy of Britain’s ever-reliable Sun  newspaper, I see the following little activity has made the news:

A MILLIONAIRE businessman who attended Prince Harry’s wedding to Meghan Markle has been charged with sex offences.

Did he prowl the streets at night, grabbing women and violently raping them in alleyways?

The dad-of-four was allegedly inappropriately physical with employees — often young women working as PAs or receptionists.

Oh, that.  Well, let’s leave it to the courts to see if any of this eeevil “#MeToo” stuff actually happened, because I’m more interested in the fact that interest in this case was sparked by his attendance at Ginge and Whinge’s wedding.

Now as little time as I have for the Sussexes, I don’t think they can be held responsible for what their wedding “guests” get up to — and I emphasize the word because I have no doubt that neither the bride nor the groom actually invited Mr. Badfinger to the wedding;  rather, he was invited by their respective social secretaries / courtiers because he was a successful businessman.  In other words, the New Californians had nothing to do with his behavior afterwards.

I can sympathize with them, actually, because I know for a fact that after one of my weddings (shuddup), at least four (and maybe more) of my invited guests engaged in a little group sex at someone’s house after the reception.   And I personally invited all of them, but I certainly cannot be held responsible for their post-festivity fun ‘n games, can I?

I blame the “open bar” for all of it, myself.  I don’t know whether the accused (above) can use the same defense.

Nazzo Sexy

Entertainment, Men & Women

Whenever journalists run out of material to write about, or want to give their mouths a rest from kissing Socialist politicians’ asses, they compile lists.  Here’s one featuring the “Sexiest Movies“, for example.

Now as any fule kno, “sexy” is as much in the eye of the beholder [sic]  as “taste” is when comparing, say, wines.  What causes paroxysms of delight in one may cause another to gag — such as a sweet dessert wine, a dry red wine, or seeing Rosie O’Donnell in leather.

My apologies… give me a moment, here:

Anyway, I think I’ve made my point.  Here are the movies adjudged “most sexy” by whatever people answered the survey:

I must admit I haven’t seen all of them, but let me state that homo / lesbo movie sex scenes do nothing for me — they turn me on about as much as watching animals mate on NatGeo TV shows  — which eliminate some from the list altogether.

I am likewise uninterested in movies whose aim is to seduce an underage virgin girl (or boy), which takes care of Cruel Intentions, American Beauty  and Notes On A Scandal, none of which are sexy other than for prurient interest.  (Also Lolita:  the movies and the novel.)

I think we need to define what constitutes a sexy movie:  one raunchy scene (e.g. Basic Instinct ), a whole bunch of nudity with some sex (Eyes Wide Shut ) or explicit sex scenes.

Let me clear the latter out of the way first:  9 Songs, Gaspar Noël’s Love  and Catherine Breillat’s Romance  and Anatomy of Hell  (French:   Anatomie de l’enfer ) are pretty much just bonkfests all the way through.  (The last three are also, whether by design or by mistake, among the most depressing movies ever made, and 9 Songs isn’t far behind.  You have been warned.)  Shows that have sex as the central theme are seldom sexy, which is why 50 Shades  and Secretary, for example, are terribly unsexy.  (I thought Secretary  was funny, which just shows my taste.)  If you’re going to watch a movie just for sex, rent Oui Girls,  Up ‘N Coming or The Young Like It Hot  and have done with it.

As for the rest:  the Jack Nicholson version of The Postman Always Rings Twice  is sexier than any of the movies on the list, as is Dennis Quaid’s The Big Easy  (Ellen Barkin:  “I haven’t ever had any luck when it comes to sex.”  Dennis Quaid:  “Well, chère, your luck’s about to change.”)

I haven’t seen Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona  because I’m not a huge fan of his movies, but I’ve been told that it’s brilliant — unlike all his other stuff except Midnight In Paris, which is — so I’ve put it on The List.

So there you have it:  twelve of the thirteen “sexiest” movies fail the Kim Test for sexy.  Whether that says more about me than it does the respondents, I’ll leave up to you.