Category: Bad News

This Update is sponsored by:

…for the people who really would like to eat it, but can’t. (see below)

From the Guess The Religion Dept.:

...or, as reported in the Times:  “Palestinian teenager has mental health breakdown”.

...”supposed to have been deported”… uh huh.

...see above.  And of course:

...wonder why? (Clue:  not Spam lovers)

...by Christian White supremacists, according to the FBI.

...lemme take a wild guess:  it sucks, big time and all the time.

And in “ordinary” news:

...I applied for the job, but apparently my answer to one question (land mines, machine guns nests and a thousand Nile crocodiles in the Rio Grande) led to my disqualification.

...keyword:  Russia.

...not a sex fiend like Josef Fritzl, just some Doomsday nutcase.

From the Dept. of Modern Education:

...”raped” in the legal sense only.  Most 16-year-old guys would line up to bonk Teacher to get good grades — girls too, nowadays (sigh).

...said steam coming from sex-sweat on the tombstones?  I mean, it gets cold in Nebraska, Bubba.

And in SHOWBIZ News:

...lemme guess:  the play sucks, and only Woke Blacks can be counted on to provide the necessary blowjob reviews?

From the Dept. of Climate Irony:

...I lost track of the Great Crested Newts after their hit in the late 1980s.

...wow;  you know your business is in trouble when not even the Brits want to buy Goop products like:
… and …
...like anyone would want to catch a niff of Gwynnie’s ever-dripping pudenda.

And in other INSIGNIFICA:

     

And here’s a granny who does wear a bra:

Welcome back, Nigella me old darling… it’s been way too long.

Sponsored by:

…because:

...guess that ol’ stun gun just wasn’t fully charged, huh?

...well, that’s just a vile slander against all those world-famous Black mathematicians… wait, ummm...

...so:  the Serbians should have executed him first, and then the Brits shouldn’t have let him into their country.  This was a fuckup so huge that multiple governments had to be involved.

...simple mistake being that he visited Australia in the first place.

...welcome to our world, geek assholes. “Don’t be evil” was a lie from the very beginning.

...only two?  You’re a tough man, Sundance.

...also, rice.  And white sugar, and white toilet paper, and, and, and... let’s not forget white-as-paper Norwegian academics.

...the original album wasn’t blasphemous enough, you see.

...by the way, Eatzi’s food markets in Dallas and Plano have been doing this for well over 20 years.

From the Dept. Of Priapism:

...wait, 57 and still raping?  I’m thinking “over-achiever”, unless there’s a megaton of Viagra involved.

...wait:  you got into a limo with a violent guy who made his living by beating other violent men half to death, and now you want to score 5 mill as a reward for your stupidity, three decades later?

And speaking of ancient history:

...lemme guess:  you had absolutely no idea there would be lots of sex at Hef’s place.  And you were also forced into the limo that took you there, thirty years ago.

Now, from our Nostradamus Dept. (no links, because):

  …and… ...the latter being more likely to be accurate.

And INSIGNIFICA:
      ...missed it by THIS much.
...serves you right for marrying Lady Gaga, mate.

Finally, from our Sports Desk (via longtime contributor Sean F.):

Mikayla Demaiter, who used to play in the Professional Women’s Hockey League as a goaltender, has had a successful career transition, and she was forced into it.  Demaiter had to give up the game of hockey in 2019 after she suffered a knee injury that ended her career.

Hockey’s loss is our gain, methinks:

Cold shower, then off to work.

Sponsored by:

So let’s bleed the News Lizard:

…the worst part is that it’s only “most” and not “every single last”.

...errrr climate change?  Lizzo dance routine during concert?  I’m trying my best here.

...that’s because she IS a scapegoat, and she’s keeping shtum so the Clintons won’t murder her.

...is there ever a WRONG time for rum?

...nice building;  shame about the food.

...am I the only one who thinks managers should lock the office doors and let the fuckers freeze?

...there are a bunch of Democrats taking notes right now.

...French chefs have collective orgasm.  Also:  Australia, where the toads eat bugs.  VW Bugs.

...as Hitler’s ghost sez:  “Huh?”

...keyword:  Massachusetts.  In any Southern state, he’d be in the “dangling” line.

...what if, like most non-Californians, you only have one?

And in multicolored, unlinked INSIGNIFICA:

     
...no news, however, on whether a familial foursome was involved.

Finally, some weird interesting news:

I know, I know:  she’s several pasta meals short of perfection.  But then again, look who she’s married to — the World’s Skinniest Ex-Footballer, Peter Crouch:

So much for the news, then.

Brought to you by:

…the miracle lubricant of politics.  And speaking of shit-heads:

…with respect to the Divine Sarah, Jackson Lee has never read anything, because she is at best illiterate.  As always, the Clown Princess of Congress reminds us that she is still the dumbest politician ever elected (and reelected, and reelected, and reelected because Houston).

...she hasn’t been elected to anything, thankfully, but this dumbass could give Sheila Jackson Lee a run for her money.

...I’m putting my trust in a fresh pandemic of untreatable and deadly venereal disease.

...so that “One Child” thing really worked for you Commie assholes, huh?

...no, the barky little shit gave up acting because nobody wanted to give him any more work.

...that’s an easy one:  while they’re bonking a coworker on the boss’s desk.

...find them, flog them, then hang them.

...and same for this little shit.

...isn’t it a little late to be finding all this out, Gammy Madge?

...that battery-acid taste being such an essential element of Coke’s flavor.

...forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown New Mexico.

Which brings us to INSIGNIFICA:

         

And in the ever-popular Paige Three Dept.:

...I have no words.

And that’s all the news I can stomach [sic].

Sponsored by:

And the filler [sic] :

...finally, some LEOs with balls enough to rage against the machine.

...I’d bet serious $$$ that their (much-reduced) wealth was inherited.

...perhaps because he was a genius, stabbed his wife and thought women were intellectually inferior?  Or maybe just because he was famous, and fame is like catnip to women, as are bad boys.

Remember this asshole?

Well, lookee here:

...quelle surprise.

...”Groomer Guides” rolls off the tongue so much better anyway.

...good.  The mom shouldn’t be punished for protecting her child, and the little thug should carry a scar, just as a lifetime reminder not to be an asshole.  And then you have stuff like this:

...where the little thug needs a sound daily whipping for the duration of his prison term.

...forgive me, but I no longer give a flying fuck how much the NY government tortures its citizens.  You vote for ’em, you deal with the whippings.  Ditto California.

...and left me laughing my ass off.

On the topic of people being offended over nothing:

...cue the wails from outraged feministicals in 3…2…1…

...sadly, not in a body bag.

...with marksmanship like that, you’d almost think the NYPD was involved.

 
...and now you know yet another reason (aside from anal sex play) why pineapples can be dangerous.

And in a lengthy but still link-free INSIGNIFICA:

   

...easy to say (and do) when you look more like this than you do like Hillary Clinton:

Immediately post-pregnancy:

 

Since the two-bonks-per-day regimen:

…and that’s the news.