Category: Bad News

In other Marketing News:

...first principle of marketing:  if you want people to buy something, tell them they can’t have it.  Known by everyone except politicians and Harvard MBAs.

...following the second principle of marketing:  when you’ve fucked up horribly, bribe your way out of the problem.  Even politicians know this one — they invented it.

From the Dept. of Global Cooling Climate Warming Change:

...New York being well known for its warm, temperate winters and abundant electrical supply.

...back in a moment:  I’m just going to borrow Sarah Hoyt’s Shocked Face.

From the Dept. of Nutrition & Health:

…

...thus preempting Mickey D’s new “Mouseburger” menu item.

From the Dept. of Education:

   …same guy:
  …and related:

...what’s the French for “multi-tasking”?

News in general:

...begging the question:  if there’s no physical strength component, only intellect, then why do Women’s Poker tournaments even exist?

...some scumbag gangbanger, no doubt.  Also:  ask me again why I carry a gun every time I leave the house, when this latest shooting happened in the next town over.

...he could have just shot the beast… oh wait:  Britishland.  Nemmind.

And in INSIGNIFICA:

 

… ...and Austin Powers was unavailable for comment.

Finally:

...who she, you ask?

…and that’s all the news we can sea today.

And in other Medical News:

...uhhhhh no.

...thus taking away the effectiveness of the “Eat shit and die” epithet.

In the latest Woke News:

...from your mouth to God’s ear, honey.

…just accept the fact that you’ve fucked your brand, hard, in the ass — just like your precious spokesthing does.  And speaking of this little asshole:

...you started it, darlin’.

…ummm is there any historical basis for the term “Minutewoman”?  Asking for a friend.

And speaking of hoplophobes:

...between P.J. and Beto, it sure seems like the wrong O’Rourke died.

...works for me.  Now let’s start killing a few, pour encourager les autres.  And speaking of pedophile organizations:

...which I’ll believe when His Assholiness points to where the term “couch potatoes” appears in the Gospel.

...looks like they want to start something they may not be able to stop.  Just sayin’.

...considering that Argentina’s total import business is lower than Alabama’s, this is ummm not significant.

And speaking of INSIGNIFICA:

  …

...I know, I’d never heard of Kayla Simmons either.  Does she even exist?  Let’s go to the gallery:

And that’s all the news that sticks out this week.

And speaking of getting the finger:

...as woker becomes broker.

...see above.

...bloody peasants.  How dare you try to improve your standard of living?

…

…then gets shot dead by irate homeowner — oh wait, this is Los Angeles, nemmind.

...nor should he, except that he’s a Brit — which means that you have to allow burglars free rein on your property, even if they threaten your life.  Kinda like L.A.

…

...go Huskers.  Better late than never.

From the Dept. of Unforeseen Consequences:

...you don’t say.

...forget it, Jake;  it’s Michigan.

In Showbiz News:

...witchcraft and sorcery inexplicably omitted from secret.

And related:

...so we’ve gone from this:    ...to this:

Now is when we suck out the INSIGNIFICA:

...headline may include a typo.  And no, I have no clue who she is, either.

And that’s all the news fit to (un)cover.

Canadians:  the old enemy.

...I’ll believe Canucki “experts” when it comes to hockey, snow removal or maple syrup.  Otherwise, not.

And in more Global Cooling Climate Warming Change news:

...as if we needed any more proof that climatism is a religion.  Also, keywords:  New York professors.

...expect “frozen Germans” to become a thing.

...climate change:  is there anything it can’t do?

...wait, weren’t temperatures supposed to be rising because of SUVs etc.?  I’m SO confused.

From the Department of Health Alarmism:

...everybody panic!!!!!!  Or not.

In the “I Did Not Know That!” department:

…I’m just amazed that the Belgies actually import any American beer, let alone that Miller piss.

From the Dept. of Criminal Assholes:

...but the shooter is Black, didn’t use an assault rifle, and shot only other Black people.  Annnnd down the memory hole she goes.

...as the Great Cultural Assimilation Project continues.

...yup, blame all those White Christian “teenagers” shooting people in Chicago, St. Louis, East L.A. and the Bronx.

...if those things are a “reader favorite”, then Insty’s demographics must have changed.  A LOT.

And from the bowels of INSIGNIFICA:

And finally, some news that actually matters:

...oh no, have mercy:

Seriously?  56?  I give up.

Frankly, I kinda prefer the days when most women were tranq’d up and calmer.  Still:

…

From the Dept. Of Education:

…

...keyword:  Wales.  Frankly, I don’t see the fuss — no kids involved, just some chick who likes doing sex things with a chance of being caught in the act.

And speaking of sex things:

...lock up your fathers.

...FFS, Hermione:  get a grip.

From the High Crimes & Misdemeanors Files:

...which it is.  And on the topic of theft:

...if the LA cops aren’t going to charge goblins for theft, then citizens will just mete out their own justice.

...that’s a little ironic, seeing as it’s the Fibbies who are most likely to be doing the hacking.

And in Business News:

...Xerox could not be reached for comment.

...let me see… oh, none anywhere near Plano.  Thanks for nothing, assholes.

In the very bowels of INSIGNIFICA:

   

...next shocker:  men wank watching PornHub.

Finally, in Fashion News:

...not too surprising;  a lot of men like meat on their bones.  It’s only the homo fashion designers with little-boy fetishes who prefer them skeletal.

And that’s all the news that’s fat to print.

So let’s start with womyns…

...I prefer the Roger Sterling take:

...thus showing more commonsense than the average politician blaming the guns.

...because they’re idiots.  See next item:

...I think all PETA members should be forced to house the rats in their own homes.

From the Lawn Awder Files:

...busy little boy, huh?

...and:

...ah yes, “teens”.  Shorter, and easier to spell than “gangs of Black hooligans”.

And speaking of Black hooligans, Over There this time:

...first, they came for the guns.  Then, the machetes.  And then:

...and after this… screwdrivers?  hammers?  potato peelers?

...that “gender equity” thing is a bitch, innit?

In “World” News:

...okay;  how about “enemy”?

From Dept. of Global Cooling Climate Warming Change:

...what?  Solar power not working for Finland, then?  And:

...that’s page 272 in  Das Kapital.

...”give”?  Fuck off, Fattie.  If your fat ass overflows, buy your fat ass its own seat.

...annnnnnd:

And for more INSIGNIFICA:

   

...you could start by minding your own fucking business [sic].
And speaking of sexual activity:

...I know, I know:

...and a few more:

Hey… summer’s coming, right?